Moving Forward

My Sunset

This is ridiculously long. You've been warned.
Where is God? This is something I've been asking myself for weeks now. I'm in a bible study type thing with two awesome girls and every two weeks I'm asked the question, what is God teaching you? I'm always able to come up with an answer, but it's really generic and I know this, but I must be able to fool others. What is God teaching me? Right now it seems like God is teaching me nothing... like He's not even here, nor does he have anything to do with my life. What? But you're a "youth pastor"... how can you say that? It's so EASY for me to say that right now.
This has been a long time coming... I'm broken. I'm burnt out and I can't handle how things in my life seem to be falling apart. Where is Jesus when I'm hurting? Silent. Where is the Spirit when I don't understand? Dormant. Where is God when I need to be held like a child? Seemingly absent. There are so many people around me with problems I can't even fathom, but right now I need to think about me... for the first time in a while I need to handle things I've put on the back burner.
Incase you didn't know this about me... I'm a people pleaser. As independent as I am and even though I usually give off an attitude that I don't go by what other people say, I totally do. I've done nothing but make decisions based on the lives of everyone around me for the past 25 years. I believe that where I'm at is a direct result of my need to please everyone. So that got me thinking... am I a youth pastor because I wanted to make someone else happy or proud? Am I living in this cushy house for someone else's sake? Did I just quit my job because in other people's eyes I "should" be doing something better? The sad thing is... I don't know the answer to these questions. Well, actually what's even sadder is that I do.
However, now that I'm here because of my inability to think for myself or have a life of my own, I've got to do something about it. Right? You'd think. As discontented as I am, I think I'm content being discontent. I've been thriving on "whoa is me" for weeks, maybe months now.
I can't be held down anymore. I've got to just go. The fact that I was tied down to a job that choked me to death everyday definitely didn't help suppress these thoughts. So now that I've quit I've been trying to think about where I'm going to go next or what I'm going to do now. I don't care about the money because I hate money, although my bills are piling up around me everyday. I don't want to limit myself anymore because I may miss out on this or that. I can't sit around waiting for things to fall into my lap. I don't want to be content with my discontentment anymore. It's such a dark and ugly place.
So now what? Well first I've got to find God. How do I even do that? My name should be Thomas these days because I doubt more than the man, himself. I'm full of doubt and fear. I can't be calm when thinking about my future because I've got 800 different opinions flying at me along with the ideas I've always had in my head about how my life should look by now, at 25. I'm surrounded by people who have it all (seemingly) figured out. They're married and thinking about kids, or married and have great jobs that they love, or they're single, but they've got a plan and they're sticking to it and moving forward. I can't do that. I can't move forward, though the title of this blog would suggest I can. I'm stuck in a rut. It's deep.
How can I get out of living my life for other people and their approval. When will I get passed thinking that if I don't do a certain thing I'm going to miss out on something else? AND where is Jesus in all of this? Why do I feel abandoned?
Logic would tell me that the Lord has never once left my side, but I've been trying to move ahead without Him. That I'm not abandoned, but I'm not allowing God to speak... or move, for that matter. I understand that. That, to me, is a fact. There's a difference in fact and feeling. I know I love my friends and family, but I don't always feel it. You know? Sometimes you NEED to feel something, not just know it. I know that I'm loved and I mean a lot to a lot of people, but sometimes I just need to feel that... I need that to be translated from fact to feeling. We all do. We're human.
All of that to say that I'm scared right now. I'm scared that if I move on I'm going to be missing out on something. I'm also scared that if I don't, I'm going to miss something. I know I've got to be adamant about seeking God. I know I've got to break down the walls I've built. I know I've got to make Him my number one focus. I don't need to be told how important my relationship with God is. Believe me, I know. It's been second to a lot of things lately... and in fact, I realize that its probably why I'm sitting here right now, tonight, in the rut I'm in. Why prayer seems so hard because who wants to talk to someone they don't know very well? Why I can't seem to lift my hands to my God even though that's all I need to do.
I've been talking about my ministry lately and how it's so important to me... and it is. But I've come to realize that I'm looking for it to be some amazing huge thing when really it can be a small amazing thing. AND how can I expect an awesome ministry when I don't care too much to deal with the Creator?
Last night I was driving home from work and I was super stressed because I had never quit a job before in my life and I was worried about what everyone else was going to think. Then I made myself mad because I realized I shouldn't be THAT worried about what everyone else was going to think... I should be turning to God and trying to figure stuff out. Well of course I chose to not do that. Instead I picked up my phone and tried calling a couple people. Instead of turning to God. No one answered and I was pretty frustrated. I just wanted to unload on someone.
I live almost directly west of where I work and the days have been pretty cloudy for what seems like forever now. Well last night the sun, after being hidden by the clouds all day, was making an appearance just before it set. But the light was only shining over a small area. As I got closer to Plano I could see that the light was directly over the little town I call home right now. The sky was dark everywhere else around me, but as I worked on getting home all I could see was a collage of oranges, pinks, reds, yellows, and purples. It was the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen in my life. It was perfect... and it was for me. It was God's way of showing me that He really is here. That He really does have something for me here in Plano. I just wanted it to last forever because basking in the light of the Lord, well there's nothing like it. If I could paint really well I'd definitely take the time to sit and try and recreate what I experienced yesterday. I really want to bask in the Light forever.
As much as I'm stuck in this rut right now it's awesome that God found a way to remind me of His love. I think He always will. I just need to be better at keeping an eye out.
That really just sounded like everything is peachy now and it's not... it's far from it actually, but I've got to cling to something. or I'd fall... much harder than I already have.
I've been working on a song for the last few months and normally I keep stuff I've written private because that's how I roll. Usually it's just for me and God. I try and write about what I believe because it's so important to who I am. Here's the first verse and also the bridge.
Verse 1
"I'll cry when you want to but can't.
I'll pray when your hands are too heavy to lift.
I'll hold you up when your body fails you.
I'll love you when you just can't...
Bridge
//Two are better than one.
When you fall I'll pick you up.//"
I'm not putting it all on here because it's special and I need it to still be just mine and the Lord's for now, but it's the cry of my heart for myself and for some of my friends. We've got to hold each other up and I will do all those things verse one says... yeah, I'll even cry. (yikes!)

posted by Moving Forward @ 10:56 PM