Moving Forward

STB

Shootin' the breeze. Most of the time conversations start off that way, right? I've been shootin the breeze with my brother a lot lately which has been fun, but also very eye-opening. He has helped me see some stuff in a new way. I've learned more about him than I ever learned when he lived in AZ. We talked a little bit about the time he spent there and how it was for him to be away my sister and I. Little did I know that he felt like he didn't really have sisters back then. That broke my heart to hear because I spent countless nights on the phone with my parents crying and begging them to send him back because I knew the kind of stuff he was getting into out there. (and you know it takes a lot to get me to cry). I used to have dreams that he was going to be harmed or get into an accident pretty frequently.
I love my brother more than words can say and I think back and regret that he didn't know that then. Things could be so different for him. For our whole family, probably. My mom has a brother who's a jerk-face. He's been married and divorced 4 or 5 times now and I have a cousin I never see except for at funerals because of him. Mom has no relationship with him at all and Vinny told me that's exactly how he felt. How awful.
When I think about all the time we spent not being a complete family unit because of my decisions, my sister's decisions, and my parent's decisions and there's regret there. I don't like to regret things because there's no need to. Say what you need to say or do what you need to do and move on. Now I see that if we all hadn't made those decisions we may not all be back together and as close as we are.
Speaking of regrets... my bro also lovingly pointed out things about me that I never really realized. I've learned that I guard and protect myself too much and that's why I have some of these regrets. In protecting myself I don't say things I really should say because I don't want to potentially be hurt, but in the end I end up hurting more. I go with the flow and convince myself that everything is just fine because I don't want to stir things up, but then I'm left dealing with more than I should have to.
You know... sometimes there are things you want to tell people, but you know it's either going to start some kind of drama or cause indignation. There's a book called "how to have those hard to have conversations" and I sometimes think I should read it so I could get things off my chest but still be tactical.
Not sure what the point of this is right now. Mainly, my blog has become a place for me to vent lately as opposed to a day to day update like it used to be. It's a good out for me these days.
Here is something I read today by Charles Spurgeon, a 19th century Baptist preacher in England. I encourage you to read through the whole thing...
"Perseverance is the badge of true saints. The Christian
life is not a beginning only in the ways of God, but also a continuance in
the same as long as life lasts. It is with a Christian as it was with the
great Napoleon: he said, "Conquest has made me what I am, and conquest must
maintain me." So, under God, dear brother in the Lord, conquest has made you
what you are, and conquest must sustain you. Your motto must be,
"Excelsior." He only is a true conqueror, and shall be crowned at the last,
who continueth till war's trumpet is blown no more. Perseverance is,
therefore, the target of all our spiritual enemies. The world does not
object to your being a Christian for a time, if she can but tempt you to
cease your pilgrimage, and settle down to buy and sell with her in Vanity
Fair. The flesh will seek to ensnare you, and to prevent your pressing on to
glory. "It is weary work being a pilgrim; come, give it up. Am I always to
be mortified? Am I never to be indulged? Give me at least a furlough from
this constant warfare." Satan will make many a fierce attack on your
perseverance; it will be the mark for all his arrows. He will strive to
hinder you in service: he will insinuate that you are doing no good; and
that you want rest. He will endeavour to make you weary of suffering, he
will whisper, "Curse God, and die." Or he will attack your steadfastness:
"What is the good of being so zealous? Be quiet like the rest; sleep as do
others, and let your lamp go out as the other virgins do." Or he will assail
your doctrinal sentiments: "Why do you hold to these denominational creeds?
Sensible men are getting more liberal; they are removing the old landmarks:
fall in with the times." Wear your shield, Christian, therefore, close upon
your armour, and cry mightily unto God, that by His Spirit you may endure to
the end."

Goodnight ya'll.

posted by Moving Forward @ 11:09 PM