Moving Forward

Marriage - A Spiritual Merit Badge?

Alright guys... this is really long, but really well written and worth reading the whole thing. It was not written by me (obviously), but by an aquaintance named Dan Montgomery. He works at Grace of Dupage Church, graduated from North Central College with a History degree, and is saving to start seminary soon. He's a very intellegent guy and though I don't know him very well at all, I respect him a ton. (ps He was one of the groomsmen in the wedding I was just in.)

"There’s a myth going around Youth Groups, Christian Books Stores and whatever other nooks and crannies of Christendom young people tend to dwell. As a 24 year old single guy I encounter it quite often. It seemed believable when I first heard it as a 16 year old, but as time has gone on I’ve come to see its folly. The myth I speak of is this: God won’t bring your soul mate into your life until you’re spiritually mature enough. You must be completely in love with Jesus before he will allow you to love someone else. It is only once you are unshakably content in Christ, having attained a state of Dating Nirvana, that you will receive your spiritual merit badge of a spouse. Now I’ll admit, I’m not being very fair. No one really says that exactly, but that’s probably the problem. The presentation of this foolish idea is often much more sublime. It’s mixed with rock solid biblical truth about trusting God, being satisfied in Him alone, only being capable of truly loving your spouse if you first love God, etc. Unfortunately, it makes marriage an end in itself. Let me give you an example of this mindset I came across via e-mail:

Dear Friend,
Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says, No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, until giving yourself totally to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing - one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things, keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM! Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't look at the things you want. You just keep looking off and up to Me or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready ( I am working even this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this perfect love. And Dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relation with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am the Almighty God. Believe it and be satisfied.

Look at the beautiful truth oozing out that paragraph! In there is advice and encouragement I’d pass on to any single person struggling to be content with their singleness! If you’re single and you’re reading this, realize that your discontent won’t be quenched by a mate. It will only be quenched by the all sufficient God. It’s not a very loving thing to put your huge need for satisfaction on the back of another human. If you long to be married some day (which is a very good desire that God put in place in The Garden) do not be anxious. God takes care of his children!

I praise God that I’m relatively content with my singleness (be it short or long term) but I do understand and have seen in others the frustration and restlessness that can come as a twenty-something (or older) single. One huge weapon to wage in the fight to quiet your soul is to preach marriage’s true purpose to yourself – to reflect God’s love for His Church. If you can have that weighty view of marriage in mind, you will not be flippant or selfish about your search for a mate.

But among all the good advice that is given there, there’s so much misdirection! It’s wildly frustrating to read this realizing that what’s being said is; “if you were ‘satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone’ like your married friends, you’d be married too!” A paragraph like this may seem like a good way to get the anxious eighteen year-old to calm down and focus on growing up but it doesn’t work for too long. Eventually you just start to sound like one of Jobs friends. Good intentions with bad theology. The crux of the folly is this; that marriage is an end in itself. That marriage is a reward for holiness, not a means for sanctification. That if you really want to be married just pursue God you'll finally get what you want, namely, marriage. Reminds me of Simon the Sorcerer (Acts 8)!!!

I’ve met some people who seem to long for marriage the way we’re supposed to long for a better country. Look at Hebrews 11:13-16.

13These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

Verse 16 clearly says that God has prepared for them a CITY, not a spouse (although he does providentially, lovingly and wisely prepared relationships, that’s not the point). Our reward for faithfulness and the resolution of the dissonance in our soul is not eternity spent with our spouse in marriage. It’s eternity spent with Jesus in heaven. When God blesses Christians with marriage it is meant to help prepare them for that. When a couple is married, they become partnered pilgrims on the voyage home, NOT the “ying” to the others “yang”.

Marriage is, for those blessed by it, a means for God to achieve something else. Those who are married have the privilege and duty of using their marriage for God’s glory. They are supposed to reflect God’s relationship to the Church and to demonstrate selfless love via leadership and submission in a way that a single could not (Galatians 5:31-32)

Christian singles have privilege and duty of using their singleness for god’s glory. They are supposed to demonstrate the satisfaction that is in Christ to the rest of the world in a way that those who are married can not (Isaiah 56).

So in conclusion, YES! Pursue God! Run after God! Long to be satisfied in God! And while you're at it, go ahead and find a spouse. Be wise and patient in your search taking the counsel of those around in. But don't lose sight of why you're getting married (or staying single). There's a plotline more central to this universe than your love life. Yield to that."

posted by Moving Forward @ 11:22 PM