Moving Forward

Imagine being "alone"

Imagine this... three to four of your best friends are trying to get you to come stay with or near them. You don't have a job, but you still have bills piling up all around you. God is sovereign and that should be enough. (why isn't it?) Everyday you apply to numerous places, many of which you don't even want to work for but are willing to just to make some money. Your dream is to move overseas for a while and be a part of a culture that produced some of your favorite people ever... in fact the main reason you're going is because the memory of loved ones are fresh in your head. Imagine your parents live 2000 miles away. They are supportive in every way possible. You have friends all around the coutry and soon to be all around the globe. People are pushing for you, but somehow it's not enough. Even though you're surrounded by people who love you (and I am), you feel alone.
That's been my story lately. See, I'm surrounded by people, but all of those people have other people that are either more important to them or take up more of their time. I'm not trying to be childish at all. The thing is... I know that people care for me and I know that I have amazing friends and family, but I am tired. I'm tired of working for attention and in some cases competing for attention. When did I get this way? When did the attention of others begin to run my day? (by the way I'm not just in Marion these days, I go up to Naperville a lot too. don't think this is about one person or event inparticular... this includes anyone and anything in my life.)
I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to go. The pressure and decisions are weighing heavier and heavier everyday. I keep looking for someone to just give me the right answer, but I'm looking in vain. It's driving me nuts... making me emotional, which is always embarrassing. My state today is a result of a decision that I might not have made in the best way, or for the best reason. I've been looking to others to define who I am for so long that I don't know who I am and now that I'm by myself (seemingly) I don't know if I like me. So I've gotta change. The question is... how??
I'm not the first person in human history to feel this way which tells me I'll get through it. This is just a picture of what I'm dealing with. So many people are dealing with things that are life threatening and life altering which makes this seem small. It's how my world is right now though, so it's big to me.

posted by Moving Forward @ 12:17 AM