Moving Forward

changes are a comin'

In a year life will be completely different... this is as a result of decisions I've made leading up to this point in my life. I'm ready for a change though. Ready to bust out of my shell if you will. It seems like I've been stuck in the same rut for over three years now and no matter what I do to get out of it, I always seem to slip back in. Right now the only logical thing seems to be to get away from what I know and I'm comfortable with. Maybe this means just up and going to Italy, maybe it means severing some relationships, maybe it means strengthening some relationships. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I feel like I have to find one and fast. Like I was talking about a while ago... I'm coming to a new season in my life and while I still have 4 months to revel in it, 4 months isn't very long. I'm tired of settling and living my life for others. For once I feel like I'm not being selfish when I think about living my life for me. This doesn't mean without God... at all.
I say all this now knowing that things could change in a hurry and I'm ready for that, but I can't expect that. I need to start planning my life for me. Where ever I go God will be with me and I can be used for Him and this is what I need to rest in. I see my friends moving on with their lives, getting married, moving across the country, and really being able to step forward and I really want to be able to do that.
I was talking to a friend tonight about a conversation we had about 8 months ago and I'm still in the same spot that I was in then. She's moved forward. It's ironic to me that the title of my blog is 'moving forward', but that's the one thing I can't seem to do very well right now.
It's okay to get stuck and be in a rut, but there has to be some way out eventually. When will my out come? Part of the problem is relying on others more than God and I'm totally aware of this. I just do the same thing over and over... start the same crap over and over... and frankly... I'm over it! You know? Maybe it means I need to be more guarded and less of an open book (an open book like I am right now as I write this). Everyone thinks it's such a bad thing to keep to yourself and it can be, but I think I need to learn more discretion.
Now, I realize that some people are going to take this as a direct effect from recent events and I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Just stuff I've been thinking about for a while and I've finally come to a decision. I may work a million hours a week, but it's so brainless that I have tons of time to think, so while I've been nothing but busy over this break, I've also had nothing but time.
So much change is occurring and will continue to occur for the next few years and I really need to be preparing for it. This is my way of preparing for it I guess.
My prayer right now is this:

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when I was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

"Small Enough" by Nicole Nordemon. I've always loved this song and it's fitting right now. Incas you hadn't noticed I'm all about the songs these days. Music rocks my face off... and I definitely am regretting not bring my guitar home for break. Oh well, we'll be reunited real soon.

posted by Moving Forward @ 10:11 PM