Moving Forward

How He Loves

2009-10-08T12:48:00.001-04:00

by David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

FYI

2009-09-15T12:33:00.002-04:00

Yeah... I don't really post on this one anymore. BUT if something happens and heading back to Uganda falls through I'll probably be posting on here again.

Two Are Better

2008-09-03T14:43:00.003-04:00

"I'll cry when you want to but can't.
I'll pray when your hands are too heavy to lift.
I'll hold you up when your body fails you.
I'll love you when you just can't...

Because I'm yours and you are mine
This fight isn't just yours to fight
I'm yours and you are mine
Two lives, two hearts, two souls unite

I'll be strong when you just feel weak.
I'll carry you when the burdens too much.
I'll build you up when your world comes crashing down
I'll love you when you just can't...

Because I'm yours and you are mine
This fight isn't just yours to fight
I'm yours and you are mine
Two lives, two hearts, two souls unite

//Two are better than one
When you fall I'll pick you up//"

Beautiful Love and New Orleans!

2008-07-08T16:30:00.004-04:00

Today I took my dad to a doctor's appointment because he was hurting too bad to drive and I love chatting with him anyways. Well when we got there I decided to wait in the car because I wanted to read my book as long as I had time and it was nice and warm out. I was parked in the space next to the handicapped spot and of course my windows were down. As I was sitting there reading, a big 'ol truck pulled in next to me. It was an old man and his wife. He got out and came around, he opened her door and the back door. He pulled out a step stool and a walker and then stood there ever so patiently, with his hand in hers as she painfully got down out of the truck. Her head appeared to be bald, but some hair was starting to grow back. She was clearly a chemo patient. She also had a large brace on under her pants, but over her shirt, like maybe she was healing from a broken hip or something. With every step she winced in deep pain. She moved ever so slowly up the sidewalk towards the building. Without any regard the man took the woman's purse from her to make her load a little bit lighter and easier. He never walked ahead of her, but either next to her or right behind her in support. He loved her with all of his being, you could just tell by his actions. They didn't say much, at least not much that I could hear (I'm such a deafo), but they didn't need to say anything. They had clearly been together all their lives and the only thing they were focused on was keeping it that way. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. I'm confident that the man wished he could take her place. Even though I'm sure he had a bit of a heavy heart, he would never show it. He was probably physically tired himself, but that didn't matter to him. All that mattered was caring for the woman he loved more than life itself.
That's all kinda sappy I know, but it was so uplifting to see that in a world that tells us to take care of ourselves first, this man was clearly all about taking care of his wife first. This is definitely the way we are called to live. There are some verse from Philippians 2 at the end of this post. I encourage you to read them.
Now, an update...
This is what my life has looked like for the past couple of weeks: We left for New Orleans on Sat, June 28th. Got to Memphis and stayed in a beautiful UM church for the night. We left Sunday after worship and got to New Orleans for registration. After stepping out of the van I was promptly greeted by a TEAMeffort staff person named Jon. I went and registered my group while everyone else unloaded the vans, and thus our week began. We were given our work-site assignments and our TEAMeffort staff. My crew was very blessed to be able to work with Jon and Patrick all week. Both of these men are absolutely hysterical and amazing. I worked with Patrick mostly during the day, but got to know Jon a little better during our free time and evenings back at the church we were staying at. The guys are at the perfect age to really click with youth... mainly because they were 18 and 20. It was great though because no matter how crazy they got or how many silly things they did and said, at the end of the day it was clear that they were living for God. It was just great for my kids to see that I could act stupid and crazy (as I normally do) with these people and still remain focused on the purpose of the trip. TEAMeffort does a really good job of bringing the Word to the kids at chapel each evening. They get to see the boys run around and be crazy, but then lead worship, praise God, and learn more about God from each other.
I'm excited to say that we have a new sister in Christ and I'm really pumped to watch her grow in her new life. Praise God! We got to hang with Jon and Patrick in the city on the 4th of July. Jon did a great job of showing us around the French Quarter and picking yummy places to eat. One of the best parts of my day was meeting up with Trent and his senior high kids. Their trip to Houma was over so came up to New Orleans for the 4th. We got to hang in the French Quarter and they basically spent the day exploring with us. They spent the night at our church Friday night before heading home. What a cool thing to have our youth together for a little while! It was nice relaxer to have Trent there, even for a short time.
It was so difficult for the kids and I to leave on Saturday. They really bonded well with Jon Boy... it was rough. He was amazing with them. One of my boys really needed another male figure around and he and Jon connected really well. I'm hoping that they're able to stay in touch. On the last night I stayed up til the early morning hours talking with Jon and Ed... I learned way too much about both of them, but I'm so glad I did. Anypoo, we got up and left Saturday morning and got to Memphis pretty early. The youth pastor there had dinner ready for us and we even hung out with some of his kids. Sunday we got up, they made us breakfast, we worshipped with them, and then we got on the road. The last 3 nights of the trip I got a combined 8 hours of sleep, so needless to say when we got home Sunday night I was exhausted. It was worth it though... and really I had planned on not sleeping much more than that anyways. I love late night chats.

So all in all the trip was a huge success! I had no behavior issues, no one got really hurt or sick, and people sought the Lord fervently. They were an awesome group of kids and I can't believe how little drama there really was. When I went on mission trips in high school there was always an injury or some boy-girl drama that consumed everyone. Not this time. You would never have known that we had two girls from another church with us. The group bonded so well... it was fabulous. It gave me a chance to just hang out and be one of the youth. Which is what I really wanted. I did not want to have to babysit all week. I got to play hours (and HOURS) of 4 square, chat, play cards, and just hang out with my youth. Let's be real... I'm about as mature as a high schooler sometimes, so this job is right up my alley. :)
Moving on... I can't believe July is here! It's insane to think that I'm leaving soon. I've had a couple of rough moments involving Uganda, but as of right now, this very moment, I'm still going. Please, please be praying for this trip. Some things have changed and I may have to tweak some stuff, but I'm working on it! Can I just say that the Lord is so amazing?! Because He is. It's not always easy for me to say that, but right now it is. He's so sovereign.
Something really cool... my mom went to my church this past Sunday! I wasn't even home from New Orleans yet, but she went! She and my dad finally came a couple of weeks ago to hear me speak... they had never been to my church... I've been working there over a year. They haven't been to church at all for like 13 years and when they were going to church it was very much just a routine thing they were in. (I grew up in the Catholic Church.) But she went to worship by herself! I would love it if you all would be praying for her. I think my decision to go to Uganda is really affecting her and she is trying to understand why I would do something like this. Pray that she continues to go to church while I'm in Africa and that she allows God to come into her life! Thanks!
Other exciting news, this weekend I'm going to a wedding for two of my favorite people ever! Rob and Katie are getting married and I can't wait to join them on their special day! It's going to be beautiful! Next weekend my college homies are coming to stay with me, and then the next weekend is my going away party. Busy, busy, busy, but I'm stoked to see all my favorite people in a just a few weeks time. I'm also trying to figure out the easiest way to get a house full of stuff into my parent's basement without having to rent a truck. I'm hoping my cousins will just bring their trucks and help me get my stuff moved outta here. I'm not a fan of moving... at all! Yikes. It's okay though and it'll be really awesome in the end.
Well I've still got to play some guitar/sing, and read before bed, so peace ya'll!
Philippians 2:3-11 (NLT)
3Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

6 Though he was God,[a]
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges[b];
he took the humble position of a slave[c]
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,[d]
8 he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Pursuing Holiness

2008-06-23T23:15:00.002-04:00

Time flies when life is insane, let me tell ya! Well incase you've been living under a rock for the past 6 weeks... or I haven't talked to you... I'm moving to Kampala, Uganda the first of August. I'll be gone for at least a year. This is an amazing opportunity and the reason I haven't written since finding out I'm for sure going is that I've been scared. Once it's out there and everyone knows it seems like there's no turning back. Why would I want to turn back? Good question. Especially since it is so obvious that this is where God wants me right now. The story of how this all came to be is amazing and I attribute it all to the Lord. It is only by His provision that I'm able to go. I shouldn't even have been accepted, but I was. So, yahoo God!
Getting back to why would I want to turn back? Well I have lots of reasons. None of them are awesome, but they still mean a lot to me in my life. I don't want to get into to too much detail here, but I'm mainly afraid of losing people. A year is a long time to not have great contact with people and I'm scared that my relationships are all going to change. Rubbish, you say? We'll see I guess. I had a bit of an eye opening experience recently and it made me freak out just a little. A lot happens in a year. Things change, people change. I'm just so glad that God doesn't. That's all I've got. And that should be enough.
I get the feeling from some people that they are not very happy that I'm leaving. They either don't say much about it at all or quickly change the subject when I say something about. I understand that some people use ignorance as a coping mechanism... but this is real to me. This is really hard for me. I need people to be supportive... and even if they're not happy I'd like to know I can count on them. Some people just aren't good at expressing emotion and that's ok. Some people have been too good at expressing emotion. And that's ok, unless you make me cry, then... not cool! :) I don't want this to be more dramatic than it already is. I know life will go on here without me... I just need to know that the people I love the most won't leave me behind.
My sister is good at making me sad to leave. All it take is Kayla telling me I can't go anywhere or even her singing to me to make me sad. She got made at me because Liz told her I would be missing her birthday this year. That was hard. I wish she could understand, but someday she will. Maybe someday she'll see what an awesome experience I had and she'll want to go preach the gospel to the lost. Let's start praying now, k?
Moving onto an update before I write about what I've been wanting to write about for like a month now. So other than me deciding to move... um well I worked at the bookstore for about 3 weeks just to help them out, plus I needed the money. For Memorial day I got to hang with my bff for a few days which was awesome. Yay for going to the zoo and feeding the giraffes! When I got back from her house I went down to Trent's... he was moving, his parents were in town, and I wanted to go to jr high youth group. From there I came home so I could do the Saturday service at church... I didn't have a huge sermon to give because it was a "first" sunday. It went well... seeing as though I've never led an entire service by myself before. The next couple weeks I worked at the store, taught VBS for the jr high at my church, and didn't sleep much. Then last saturday I went down to Trent's to get ready to leave for the jr high mission trip with his church to Chattanooga, TN. We left Sunday and got back Friday night. I came back here Saturday evening so I could be here for church on Sunday morning to talk about my calling to Africa.
The mission trip to Chattanooga was pretty sweet. It was a great time getting to know some of the jr high kids better, getting to meet other kids from other churches, getting to work with the locals (some of the cutest kids ever!), getting to know a NH leader better, and getting to draw nearer to God through the blessing of others. I've been on lots of mission trips similar to the way this trip was formatted. It's much like an ASP trip, for those WS folks, except went through YouthWorks. All in all the YW staff was pretty cool... just a few little things that I didn't care for too much. Our church really bonded well with the other churches there. There's a girl I met on the trip from Texas. She's absolutely amazing. We've actually already been in contact since the trip through texting. She's really seeking Jesus right now so I'm trying my best to keep up with her. Be praying for her if you think about it. So much went on for me personally while in TN that I don't want take the time to write it all down. I spent a lot of time in prayer and in the word trying to discern some stuff and it was good. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I don't have to have it all figured out right now.
Now onto the whole point of this blog tonight. There's something I've been struggling to understand lately and that is people who read the scriptures, teach the scriptures, and/or talk about the scriptures, but don't live what they're preaching. I have people who will tell me they are studying a certain book in the bible. They say how they're getting a lot out of it and learning new things. That's so great and I'm so glad to hear things like that. My beef is when people say that they're reading something or learning about someone and they don't follow through by letting their actions show that they're grasping things. Now, obviously I'm not perfect and I do it too sometimes. I let things slip or I am quick to anger and judge, or I have a bad attitude some days... we all do. It just makes me sad when I see someone really studying something, telling people about it and then a month later doing exactly what they learned not to do. If you are talking/learning about focusing and not letting earthly things and relationships distract you then don't waste your time flirting with someone or focusing on a new relationship, or focusing on worldly possessions. Those things will get you no where. You know? I just think it's time for some accountability in leadership, in relationships, and in friendships. We are supposed to be pursuing holiness. Holiness... I think it means to be wholly dedicated and devoted to God, distinct and separate from the world's way of living, committed to right living and purity. Holiness is the absence of sin, evil, and wrongdoing. It is being spotlessly free from blemish. I think it's the presence of righteousness, purity, and godliness. When we accept Jesus, God makes us holy by forgiving our sins. He looks at us as though we had never sinned. BUT when He sees us as holy, we have not perfected our holiness. We must strive daily to be more like Jesus, to be more holy.
1 Peter 1:13-16 says:
"So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy."
That's a huge deal! It's not an easy thing at all. But just because something isn't easy doesn't mean that it's difficulty can be an excuse for us. Make any sense? If something is hard, than we've got to work that much harder, yeah? I really think so.
I guess my challenge is for you to really dive deep into the Word of God. And really pursue holiness. Really do what you say you're going to. Really work hard to make Jesus Christ the center of your life. AND stop letting things like friends and family distract you from doing it. That's my prayer this week.
I'm leaving for my mission trip to New Orleans with my youth this saturday. Please keep us in your prayers. Also, Trent's sr. high is leaving for New Orleans real early Sunday morning, so you can be praying for that too. Peace ya'll!

An Unofficial Address

2008-05-14T20:22:00.002-04:00

So much has been going on that I don't even know where to start. It seems as though life has taken a 180 degree turn and doesn't show signs of turning back... and I'm okay with that. First, my family. I've got some big stuff coming up (hopefully) and my family isn't handling it too well which makes things hard on me. Something that is amazing is that the Lord has turned this into an opportunity to witness to them. The choices I'm making are not up to par with what my family has for ideals for me, but because the Spirit fills me with such passion for the truths of the Father I can't help but express that. Conversations of my future are common at the dinner table these days. I have to constantly defend my faith, but I think that hearts are being softened, and at the very least there is more understanding as to why Jesus Christ is so important to my being. I am doing things simply based on faith and that's being noted by my family. Not that I'm looking for any sort of notoriety, but it's good to know that they acknowledge the Lord in my life. It's hard to not have 100% support from my family because when it comes down to it I can't imagine not being close-knit like we are. Even with 2000 miles between us sometimes, they are so important in all that I do.
You know, working at the church was a big deal to them and still is because I'm not making any money and it's been one of the hardest years of my life. They've seen the struggles I've been through this year and even though they've never been a part of my life at church they still stand behind me... well, they want me to succeed to in what I'm doing... no matter what.
Well the truth is... I have not been successful in the way I've wanted to be. I've been working at the church for a year this month and I feel like I'm in the same place I was a year ago. There is no consistency in attendance by the youth. Relationships aren't being built like I know they could be. I was gone every sunday in April because I was either in Florida with Trent or my family, or I was speaking at another church on sunday mornings, and not once did anyone acknowledge the fact that I had been away for that long. It didn't seem to matter to the church that I wasn't around. Life went on as normal... and that's how it's supposed to go I guess, but the thing is... no one missed the youth program at all. Something that really got me thinking was that there are a group of kids at Trent's church that I've clicked with better than the group at my own church. I get an email at least once a week from one of his kids.
So have I failed as a youth pastor? Nah. At least I'm trying not to believe that. Sometimes it's just not the right fit and in this case I don't think it is. Looking back on the year I'm sure there are things I've couldn't have done better/different, or more ways I could have invested. And there is still work to be done... I'm still planning a mission a trip for the senior high for the end of June/beginning of July.
I'm having a really hard time thinking about being done at this church because I am not a quitter and I never have been. (this coming from the person who just quit the bookstore, right?) But for reals, yo. We all know this about me. I can't give up on something very easily. I don't give up on my relationships with people, ever. I do whatever I can to make sure that I follow through on things I start. Maybe it's because I have people-pleasing tendencies, who knows. Whatever the case, just because my time here seems to be coming to an end does not mean that my ministry is dead... this is something I've really had to get a grasp on. I've always thought of a ministry position as a position for life. Not something you quit within a year. Often times I've felt inadequate this past year, but is that an excuse? Nope, because doesn't God equip us? Heck yes He does... that's a promise.
So how do I move forward without looking at this year as a failure? Well I don't really know how to just be okay with my present state, but I know that to move forward in anything I've got to move forward and walk with God. There's got to be more consistency. Don't we all need more consistency? I don't know one person who is content with there present state of being in the Lord because there is always room for growth. Can I get an amen?
This is like a "state of the union" address, except its more like a "state of my life" address. So moving onto my friends. I've enjoyed the past few weeks... they've been pretty laid back. To be honest I haven't taken much time to chat or catch up with friends. I miss the people that I'm used to talking to frequently, that's for sure, but I just haven't taken the time to call many people or be very consistent with calling people back. It's been a strange couple of weeks in that way for me. As we've already discussed... I'm all about keeping in touch with people and making sure things are good in friendships. When my phone rings I generally know who's calling because most of the people I love dearly have their own ring tones... I just haven't been moved to answer much. I've been hanging out with some awesome friends around here. I just helped some close friends move and I spent monday night with one of my oldest and best friends, but other than that I've been around my family. I need to get back to being good about calling people because I'm feeling out of the loop with a lot of my friends. I really miss talking to Trent, Ash, Michelle, Stacy, Jon, Steph, Blake, and the list goes on. Most of my best friends live in other states... time to be proactive.
Changing topics... I'm so old! I jumped in a moon bounce jumper thing for a couple of hours this past saturday and since then my back has been dead. Sunday it hurt to even breathe let alone move. Today it felt a lot better when I woke up so I took my dog on a jog... big mistake. I smell like Icy-Hot right now. Ha. My brother tells me I really need to strengthen my back because then this won't happen. He's probably right... time to learn how to strengthen my back. Can you google something like that?
I'll leave you with this quote from my friend, Jon's song he wrote back in high school. It's a song about singleness, but I think this can be applied to how God views us, and pleads for us.
"Don't be surprised if you can't find someone better for you than me." ~JB

Birfday Celebration

2008-04-30T22:39:00.002-04:00

Alexandria Marie is a year old today. It's kinda a trip to think about. She's so beautiful! We gave her a miniature cake to dig into and that she did! She stuck her face in it without me having to do it for her... smart girl. It was so cute. She really went to town on it. That's all I've got tonight. Happy Birfday to Alex!

Stories and Satisfaction

2008-04-22T23:00:00.003-04:00

Let me start off with a story...
Yesterday Liz, Terry, me, Vinny, Kayla, and Alexandria get off a plane in Chicago. We are all walking to baggage claim when a guy starts following us. He's walking right behind Terry when he says "Let me see your phone!" Terry tells him no and that he's on a call (which he was). The man proceeds to demand to see Terry's phone. We keep walking and he gets louder. He starts saying that he just lost his phone and wants to know if that one is his. Terry tells him it's not his phone and to back off. Dude persists and it takes Liz running her mouth and Vinny turning around for him to back off. We keep walking and he starts approaching Terry again, at which point Vinny takes his glasses off and puts them in their case, Liz starts walking back to them, and I take the kids and keep walking. There is yelling, and a fight almost breaks out because people are just running their mouths. The rest of the trip home was a blast, let me tell you. Moral of the story... in the year 2008 people are still just as ignorant as if it were 1861. This man was a southerner (I'm thinking a Texan) in a northern city accusing a black man of stealing something (it's a $400 phone) apparently just because he was black. My sister has that same exact phone and the jerk didn't say a word to her.
After all of the anger subsided I was just sad. And this isn't the first time I've been around stuff like this... I mean living out in the country if I go to a store with my brother-in-law people stare, but it doesn't usually bother me because no one says anything. I've been out with my nieces and it's obvious that they're mixed and people will look at me, at my ring finger, and then shake their heads, and look away. I've wanted to say something to them to embarrass them in their ignorance, but I just keep moving. I think I'm sad for Terry and the utter ignorance of other people. I'm sad for my girls because I love them so much and don't want them to have to grow up having people be rude to them because they are mixed.
God, I pray for this world.
Moving on... so Florida trip number two is over and I'm finally home. I'm broke as a joke now, but both trips were worth it! I think I've spent more time in Plano today than I have in the last 2 weeks (including sleep time). Life is about to get real slow and it'll definitely be a change... I've yet to decide if it'll be a good or a bad change. We'll see. Anyways, we got to FL on thursday and I went to stacy and jeff's thursday night. We watched the office together and it was spectacular! Friday Stacy and I drove to the beach on the Gulf side, which I love. The water is so calm it's amazing. I hunted for more sand dollars, but had no luck. Then we went home and had dinner with Jeff and Stacy's parents who I love so much! They were my second parents growing up. We all went gator hunting after dinner... I think just to shut me up about gators, but we saw a few so that was fun. Then me, stace, and jeff had a bonfire. Saturday we slept in and they took me back out to Orlando. We spent some time with my family before they went home. Then me and my brother went to the beach on the Atlantic side. Cocoa Beach. It's pretty nice, I'd been there before. Sunday we spent the day at the Magic Kingdom riding rides and fighting crowds. It was a good day. Monday afternoon we came home. I slept so well in my own bed last night. This morning I did not want to get out of bed... come to think of it... I didn't really have to. Shoot.
BUT now life has to get back to some form of normality. I am pretty overwhelmed and feeling very disconnected with my life here. I'm wondering how connected I've ever really been. I have stronger connections elsewhere, but I've gotta press on right? Thoughts of Africa are still in the front of my mind. Australia is still an option. I even have jobs open to me in Florida, Arizona, Indiana and even China. Lot's of prayer will ensue. This'll get sorted. I'm feeling kinda nomadic these days and I'm not sure how to satisfy that. Uncertainty is stressful, but it doesn't have to make you anxious.
All in all, life is good. God is good. That's where my hope lies. :)

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
Know there's nothing that I can't abide

When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your Light Lord,
And send forth Your Truth
Let them guide me to Your Holy Place
Then will I go to the Altar of God
To my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Why are You so downcast o my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
My Savior, my King
My Savior, my King

When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

SHP SB '08

2008-04-15T21:52:00.002-04:00

I am brown. Urban, if you will. Why am I brown? Because I spent last week in Panama City Beach, FL! Yeah, be jealous. Chealous? Ha, so anyways trip number one to florida was a pretty good time. Who wouldn't have fun sitting on a beach and playing in the water with friends? So I got to Indiana on Monday, we left tuesday night and got to Florida Wednesday around 11am. We went right to the beach and pretty stayed there all day. Sweet right? We left Saturday morning to come back. Sunday I went to church in Indiana and then came home. "Super Harry Potter Spring Break '08" is the title Trent gave our road trip. Awesome, right?
I came home to a bunch of sickies though. Alexandria has some stomach flu and just today my sister is starting to feel sick. AND we're supposed to go to Florida this thursday. Please God, no sickness! I'm a huge freak about stomach flu stuff... throwing up is the one thing that has the ability to make me cry every time. So pleasant, I know. I'm really hoping that everyone gets better because I'm planning on going... and hanging out with my bff. :) I can't wait to see stacy!
Moving on. Thursday evening in Panama City I went down to the beach because it was nap time, but I wasn't tired enough to sleep. I brought my bible and a pen. Being in the word isn't something I've been very consistent about these days. But being there and watching the waves of the ocean make their way in, and watching the sun creep down below the horizon I couldn't do anything but praise the Lord. So I started flipping through. not really sure what to read, I stopped in the Pslams. It seems so easy to stop there because you don't have to commit to much in the way of heavy reading. I read over some stuff I had highlighted at some point in the past, but nothing was speaking to me at all. Then I flipped to the gospel of Mark... I usually go to one of the other three gospels, but I stopped in Mark 7. I had just a few verses underlined, but the first one jumped at me. Verse 20 says "...it is the thought life that defiles you." Whoa. The whole chapter is about inner purity. I have a freakishly active thought life... meaning my mind is always racing and I'm always working through something in my head. I've made myself anxious before because I over thought something. It can really hinder me. Sometimes when I'm in discussions with people, instead of really listening intently I'm thinking of a rebuttal or a response to whatever they're saying. All that said, the amount of time I spend in thought can sometimes hinder me. I don't think that's what the verse is actually saying, but God used it to tell me to be still. To be calm and to let Him be in control. By having such an active thought life I tend to really control the way everything in my life runs instead of allowing God that time and space to be a part of it.
In the grand scheme of things, I was only in the book of Mark for about 2 minutes. My focus became John chapter 15. This is a chapter that I've heard a ton of sermons on, I've read books on it, I've been on mission trips and retreats focused around this chapter. All in all, over the years I've grown weary of it and usually just skim over it now when I'm reading through John because I think I know it all. WRONG!!
I read over the first four verses... I probably could have recited them, but this time it was different. This time I really felt the Spirit speaking to me. God was reaching out to me. It had been so long since I'd allowed Jesus to speak because I'm so wrapped up in me, I was a little surprised. How sad is that? Not the point though. The point is, I realized that I am not producing much fruit. Not that there's not some, but my branch is withering away and if it doesn't get pruned soon, it'll die. K, yes that's pretty dramatic in a humanistic way of thinking. Where have I been? I've been doing bible study and accountability, I've been teaching lessons in youth group, I've been going to church and planning things, but in all that I've not been doing much seeking. I've not been doing much shutting up either. I've not been allowing God to work... even though Jesus says "apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5b. Jesus commands me, "remain in my love." I want to. He also commands, "I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you." I'm trying to do that. I need to try harder. I need to have Christ's attitude about loving others... He reveals so much of His/God's nature in this chapter.
Something else that kinda jumped at me was verse 13 which says, "the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends." Jesus chose me.
I have been appointed to produce fruit. Jesus has appointed me. How am I producing fruit? I've been thinking about this for days now. Fruit is being produced, but not as abundantly as possible. My branch hasn't been severed, it really just needs to be pruned. Prune my branch God.
Two hours of sitting on the beach alone, reading the word, worshipping God, singing(and probably scaring some people) and watching the sunset is an amazing way to spend an evening, let me tell ya.
I've been working in the city the last two days and I have to work tomorrow again which means I've gotta be up by 5am. Tomorrow is my last day before Florida again though and I get to see my dad, so I'm keeping on. I can sleep on the plane I suppose (as long as no babies are barfing on me!). On that note, enjoy your week!

Vaycays all around

2008-04-03T21:28:00.003-04:00

The last couple weeks have been kinda crazy. I officially quit my job and my last day is Saturday. Do I know where I'm going from here? Not a clue, but I'm excited. I do know that I'm going to Florida twice this month, so yahoo for that! I'm leaving Monday night to go down with Trent. As far as I'm concerned, the plan is to sit on the beach, play games, read, play guitar, worship the Lord, and just relax. How awesome does that sound? My brother might come, which would be awesome because he needs to get away as much as me and Trent do. He's had a rough winter too. We'll see. Plans change like every five minutes, so who even knows who is gonna end up coming? I'll get home from that next Sunday and then leave the following Thursday to fly down with my whole family to Orlando. We'll be going to Disney a couple of days day so Kayla and Alex can see Mickey and his homies, and I get to see my bff Stacy which I am thrilled about! I haven't seen her since August, so good times are sure to ensue. April should be a pretty good month for me, yeah? I'm thinkin so.
So, what else? Oh, at work today they did a little goodbye party for me which was really sweet. They got one of those giant Mrs. Field's cookies from the mall and it said "we will miss you." I also got a funny little card signed by everyone and an awesome mix CD from one of them too. Fun times. So I didn't think leaving a job that has been rough for me would be hard at all. But I've really come to like the people I work with for the most part. My manager has invited me to come back anytime because she'll always have a position open for me and also that she and her boss would write me awesome references. Thinking about it... I should just stay there. If I'm not in it for the money, which I'm not, then what the heck am I doing?
I was really excited about doing mission work and that's still in the front of my mind a lot, I just don't know how to get there. I don't know. It would be safe for me to stay at the store. It's easy for me, they love me, and I'm good at what I do. But I'd be going no where. I don't think my ministry thrives there. I know what God wants from me and I can't accomplish it there. It'd just be so easy if that were the case though, ya know?
Oh well. It'll all get figured out... in May, after my vacation month. :) Speaking of, I've got to go... I need to get to the tanning bed one or two more times before vaycay so I don't burn at all.
Here's something I read this week by Max Lucado... "Sin sees the world with no God in it. Where we might think of sin as slip-ups or missteps, God views sin as godless attitude that leads to godless actions."
Let me say again, God views sin as godless attitude that leads to godless actions. Wow. and Yikes. My attitude needs to be in check these days. It's something I'm working on. I have this tendency these days to pout when things don't go how I think they're going to or they happen change at the last minute. It's so immature and whinny.
So, that's it. I'm off the tanner... oh the wrinkles that are sure to come when I'm old! ;) Oh well! I'm living for now!

Death was a loomin'

2008-03-23T22:28:00.003-04:00

Last week Wednesday a member of the congregation at my church was killed in a car accident. He was 75 years old and a very funny, sweet old man. Two of his grandkids are of youth group age. The older one is very independent and likes to do things on her own. She doesn't like to be bothered by other people, but I love her independent attitude. The younger one is really sweet and I actually didn't meet him til I was subbing last fall. I introduced myself to him during school and now he's most likely coming on the mission trip... 9 months later. Kinda cool, right? I thought so. So anyways, these kids have experienced a ton of loss in their lives lately. They are in a broken home and even though things appear fine on the surface, they are dealing with a lot. Then there was another death in their family, merely months ago. It's hitting them all really hard.
Thursday night I went to the Maundy-Thursday service at church. It was beautiful. And painful. Pastor, me, and another lady from church "stripped" the alter and then covered the cross with a black cloth. Stripping the alter means taking everything down. Candles and everything. Wheatland Salem UM in Naperville always did this during Good Friday service and it became my favorite service of the year there. We do this to symbolize the death of Christ on the cross and then on Easter morning the alter is covered in bright cloths and gorgeous flowers. It's so triumphant.
Anyways... so Maundy-Thursday really got to me. Like Good Friday usually does. I'm so deeply reminded of the suffering and distress on one Man to save me. Death has always affected me quite a bit. I've lost a lot of people that were close to me. All of my grandparents are gone, friends, and other family. It's something that I have a hard time with because the realization of where we're spending eternity always comes to mind now.
Moving on... so, friday was the wake for the man who passed away and I decided that I needed to go if nothing else than to show the kids I really care about them. Well as you can imagine, I'm not a fan of funerals or wakes. (the last wake I went to was for an 18 month old baby who was killed as a result of shaken baby syndrome and it was something I hope to never experience again. I had never met the kid. He was the grand-baby of an acquaintance and I was there to support her and my best friend. I cried more at that wake and immediately following than I care to think about. It was gut-wrenching.) So my last experience was a bad one, to say the least. But I had to be there. It was amazing... I stood in line for an hour and a half just to make it up to hug the widow and her family. There were so many people there and they were laughing and telling stories and holding each other up, it was just awesome. Most other deaths I've experienced were all focused on the actual loss and this seemed to be focused on the life. It was great. I got to see my kids and hug them and talk with them just for a few, but it was enough.
I got through the line and left there at about 7 which is exactly when Good Friday service was starting at my church. So I rushed over to the church from the funeral home and was only about 5 minutes late for service. Again, the mood went to somber. The cross was still covered with the black cloth and the few people that showed up sat in silence. I took communion and sat back in my pew, bowed my head, and prayed. I couldn't do anything but that. The service ended in silence like the night before. Even though I say it's my favorite service of the year (because it is) it's one that I only like to experience once a year. It's like watching the Passion. Sometimes you just have to see it. Sometimes it's just a reminder, sometimes it's convicting, mostly it's love though.
The thought of Christ on the cross pains me. I went to Catholic mass earlier this month and I just did not enjoying seeing Jesus on the cross everywhere I looked. I grew up with that but that's not the end folks! He died so that death wouldn't be the end... so that for all eternity we can be with our Creator. It's amazing, really.
All this to say that this past week with death looming over it was tough. I'm so glad that it end with a victory. The new week starts with the greatest defeat in history. It's pretty sweet, right? You know it.
I'll leave you with one of my favorite band's best songs! I've Always Loved You by Third Day.
I don't know how to explain it
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you

Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away
I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
And I always will

Greater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm gonna do for you

Total Surrender

2008-03-19T23:07:00.002-04:00

Well when I last updated I was clearly being dramatic and... well I was being a girl. And that's okay sometimes... because this is my release and then I'm good.
I do want to clear up my status though... not that I have to prove anything to anyone, but I'd like you all to know that I'm doing well and that all is not lost. As I read back over the things I was thinking merely two weeks ago I can't help but think how hopeless it sounded. How whiny, how annoying, really. Yes, some of the feelings were valid and I was feeling burnt out, but in all that, never abandoned by God. More like I did the abandoning.
Anyways, something I've been learning lately is total surrender to God. When you live a life that is totally surrendered to God, you will be blessed for that.
Prayer has been a difficult task for me lately... mostly because of laziness because I always intend to pray. This isn't to say that I'm never in prayer, but it's something that I have to consciously think about doing and setting aside time for. And I think that's okay too. In my relationships with other people I consciously set aside time to call people or spend time with friends, so it works the same in my relationship with Christ.
I think that I've been allowing myself to let prayer slide because I've been afraid of some answers I might get, as if I should even claim to know so much about the Lord that I can predict such a thing.
So back to this total surrender thing. Every morning when I wake up I make the choice to follow Christ. It's not forced on me, it's my choice. How could I choose anything less? Somedays it would be easier to follow the world, but to follow Christ is the greatest choice I've ever made. I believe that I've been called to be a daughter and follower of Christ and that is my most important role in this life. I want to do nothing more than exemplify Christ in all that I do, not to gain recognition for myself, but for the glory of the Kingdom. In My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers the devo on March 12th really spoke to me. Many of you have it handy, so check it out. If you don't, ask.
I've got to get out of the mindset of playing the victim in life. Total surrender. I am surrounded by married people. Most of my best friends are married or getting married this summer. They have husbands and wives of their own and in most situations in my life lately I end up being the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th, and 11th wheel. As fun as that may sound... uh no, actually it doesn't sound fun does it? I love my friends and I love their spouses. It's great to be back around friends I didn't get to see but on breaks during college. My group of high school friends was a pretty close-knit group. I mean, we did school, choir, worship team, church, trips, everything together. It was rare that there was a day or night when we didn't see each other for one thing or another if not just to hang out. I loved those times. They were like my family since mine was in AZ for the last two and half years of high school.
So what's the prob? If I love all these people so much (and I do!), why is this such a big deal? Welp mainly because it has become easy for me to feel left out. Just because at the end of the day everyone gets to go home and hang out with their best friend and I get to go home and hang out with... me. (I know you're thinking "What could be better?" well, touche). Total surrender. It's okay for me to be sad sometimes. And the Lord uses my friends and their spouses to teach me all the things I do and don't want to do in my marriage someday. I've actually learned a lot... hehe.
One thing (this is totally off the subject) is that I never want to be boring. I never want to be satisfied with going out to dinner being the most exciting thing I can think of to do. Seriously, all some people want to do is go out to eat and talk and that's okay sometimes because I really do have the ability to have adult conversation, but... My idea of fun is not spending lots of money on food and hours just sitting there when there are so many other things to do. With a group as big as we usually have we could play some fun games, go to a sporting event, go skating, go karaoke-ing, go geocaching, go hiking, I mean... anything really.
I realize that someone is going to read this and take it personally. Calm down, I always have fun when I'm out with my friends, this is just for me. And it's no one in-particular... it's just the married way, I guess. Yikes.
Total surrender. "Being delivered from sin and being made holy are the result of being right with God, but surrender resulting from this kind of thinking is certainly not the true nature of Christianity. Our motive for surrender should not be for any personal gain at all." "Gaining heaven, being delivered from sin, and being made useful to God are things that should never even be a consideration in real surrender. Genuine personal surrender is a sovereign preference for Jesus Christ Himself."
So this was a little A.D.D., but that's what happens on little sleep. So I'm only working two days this week and that is fabulous. Hope you all have a happy Easter. :)
This is one of my faves this time of year.
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Brought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Take My Life

2008-03-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

Take My Life by Third Day

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

My Sunset

2008-03-04T22:56:00.003-05:00

This is ridiculously long. You've been warned.
Where is God? This is something I've been asking myself for weeks now. I'm in a bible study type thing with two awesome girls and every two weeks I'm asked the question, what is God teaching you? I'm always able to come up with an answer, but it's really generic and I know this, but I must be able to fool others. What is God teaching me? Right now it seems like God is teaching me nothing... like He's not even here, nor does he have anything to do with my life. What? But you're a "youth pastor"... how can you say that? It's so EASY for me to say that right now.
This has been a long time coming... I'm broken. I'm burnt out and I can't handle how things in my life seem to be falling apart. Where is Jesus when I'm hurting? Silent. Where is the Spirit when I don't understand? Dormant. Where is God when I need to be held like a child? Seemingly absent. There are so many people around me with problems I can't even fathom, but right now I need to think about me... for the first time in a while I need to handle things I've put on the back burner.
Incase you didn't know this about me... I'm a people pleaser. As independent as I am and even though I usually give off an attitude that I don't go by what other people say, I totally do. I've done nothing but make decisions based on the lives of everyone around me for the past 25 years. I believe that where I'm at is a direct result of my need to please everyone. So that got me thinking... am I a youth pastor because I wanted to make someone else happy or proud? Am I living in this cushy house for someone else's sake? Did I just quit my job because in other people's eyes I "should" be doing something better? The sad thing is... I don't know the answer to these questions. Well, actually what's even sadder is that I do.
However, now that I'm here because of my inability to think for myself or have a life of my own, I've got to do something about it. Right? You'd think. As discontented as I am, I think I'm content being discontent. I've been thriving on "whoa is me" for weeks, maybe months now.
I can't be held down anymore. I've got to just go. The fact that I was tied down to a job that choked me to death everyday definitely didn't help suppress these thoughts. So now that I've quit I've been trying to think about where I'm going to go next or what I'm going to do now. I don't care about the money because I hate money, although my bills are piling up around me everyday. I don't want to limit myself anymore because I may miss out on this or that. I can't sit around waiting for things to fall into my lap. I don't want to be content with my discontentment anymore. It's such a dark and ugly place.
So now what? Well first I've got to find God. How do I even do that? My name should be Thomas these days because I doubt more than the man, himself. I'm full of doubt and fear. I can't be calm when thinking about my future because I've got 800 different opinions flying at me along with the ideas I've always had in my head about how my life should look by now, at 25. I'm surrounded by people who have it all (seemingly) figured out. They're married and thinking about kids, or married and have great jobs that they love, or they're single, but they've got a plan and they're sticking to it and moving forward. I can't do that. I can't move forward, though the title of this blog would suggest I can. I'm stuck in a rut. It's deep.
How can I get out of living my life for other people and their approval. When will I get passed thinking that if I don't do a certain thing I'm going to miss out on something else? AND where is Jesus in all of this? Why do I feel abandoned?
Logic would tell me that the Lord has never once left my side, but I've been trying to move ahead without Him. That I'm not abandoned, but I'm not allowing God to speak... or move, for that matter. I understand that. That, to me, is a fact. There's a difference in fact and feeling. I know I love my friends and family, but I don't always feel it. You know? Sometimes you NEED to feel something, not just know it. I know that I'm loved and I mean a lot to a lot of people, but sometimes I just need to feel that... I need that to be translated from fact to feeling. We all do. We're human.
All of that to say that I'm scared right now. I'm scared that if I move on I'm going to be missing out on something. I'm also scared that if I don't, I'm going to miss something. I know I've got to be adamant about seeking God. I know I've got to break down the walls I've built. I know I've got to make Him my number one focus. I don't need to be told how important my relationship with God is. Believe me, I know. It's been second to a lot of things lately... and in fact, I realize that its probably why I'm sitting here right now, tonight, in the rut I'm in. Why prayer seems so hard because who wants to talk to someone they don't know very well? Why I can't seem to lift my hands to my God even though that's all I need to do.
I've been talking about my ministry lately and how it's so important to me... and it is. But I've come to realize that I'm looking for it to be some amazing huge thing when really it can be a small amazing thing. AND how can I expect an awesome ministry when I don't care too much to deal with the Creator?
Last night I was driving home from work and I was super stressed because I had never quit a job before in my life and I was worried about what everyone else was going to think. Then I made myself mad because I realized I shouldn't be THAT worried about what everyone else was going to think... I should be turning to God and trying to figure stuff out. Well of course I chose to not do that. Instead I picked up my phone and tried calling a couple people. Instead of turning to God. No one answered and I was pretty frustrated. I just wanted to unload on someone.
I live almost directly west of where I work and the days have been pretty cloudy for what seems like forever now. Well last night the sun, after being hidden by the clouds all day, was making an appearance just before it set. But the light was only shining over a small area. As I got closer to Plano I could see that the light was directly over the little town I call home right now. The sky was dark everywhere else around me, but as I worked on getting home all I could see was a collage of oranges, pinks, reds, yellows, and purples. It was the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen in my life. It was perfect... and it was for me. It was God's way of showing me that He really is here. That He really does have something for me here in Plano. I just wanted it to last forever because basking in the light of the Lord, well there's nothing like it. If I could paint really well I'd definitely take the time to sit and try and recreate what I experienced yesterday. I really want to bask in the Light forever.
As much as I'm stuck in this rut right now it's awesome that God found a way to remind me of His love. I think He always will. I just need to be better at keeping an eye out.
That really just sounded like everything is peachy now and it's not... it's far from it actually, but I've got to cling to something. or I'd fall... much harder than I already have.
I've been working on a song for the last few months and normally I keep stuff I've written private because that's how I roll. Usually it's just for me and God. I try and write about what I believe because it's so important to who I am. Here's the first verse and also the bridge.
Verse 1
"I'll cry when you want to but can't.
I'll pray when your hands are too heavy to lift.
I'll hold you up when your body fails you.
I'll love you when you just can't...
Bridge
//Two are better than one.
When you fall I'll pick you up.//"
I'm not putting it all on here because it's special and I need it to still be just mine and the Lord's for now, but it's the cry of my heart for myself and for some of my friends. We've got to hold each other up and I will do all those things verse one says... yeah, I'll even cry. (yikes!)

past hurts

2008-02-23T16:54:00.003-05:00

Hey ya'll! Today is such a beautiful day outside. The sun has been shinning all day! My car was even kinda hot when I got in it after running some errands. Good stuff! I really do like winter a lot, but I'm ready for more sun.
So yesterday as I was driving to work I was listening to this morning show on Kiss FM. I normally listen to a book of the bible on my way, but for whatever reason my radio was on Kiss FM from the night before. They were doing a segment called "the friends zone" so I thought they'd be talking about bffs and other fun things. Stupid me, I should have known that they were talking about guy/girl friendships and how at some point feelings develop for at least one of the two. All of these people kept calling in to express the hurt that they're feeling or have felt because of a friendship with a guy or girl that they've fallen in love with. Some of these people thought the radio would be a great place for a mental break down. But it was interesting to hear all of the different stories and how they were handled. This one guy had a girl that had been his best friend for like 4 years. Over time he developed more than friendly feelings for her and things got rough. He tried to keep it to himself and even when she would date other people, he didn't care. He had it in the back of his mind that she would wake up and realize that the perfect guy was right in front of her. Well she never did because she's not a mind reader and he kept it to himself. She's now getting married and he was talking about how he can't loose her and blah, blah, blah.
It was so sad to hear all the different stories. There were so many of them too! A couple of the people said they told the other person how they felt and when the feelings weren't the same, it was hard, but they moved on and stayed bffs. Some of the time when the feelings weren't the same they lost the friendship because one or both of them were too awkward. Some of the time the two ended up together because they realized that best friends are the people you marry.
My thoughts on this were that if you have a true, real friendship with someone you won't loose them as a friend because of your honesty. But I also was thinking about all the hurt that these people were expressing. This one girl called in and said that things had gone bad with her best guy friend years ago. They're not really friends now, plus she now has a complex about getting close to guys.
So, what I want to talk about right now is past hurts. Everyone experiences things in their lives that they wish they didn't have to. Loosing a friend is one of the hardest things, especially if it's for a dumb reason. Telling someone how you feel about them and not having it reciprocated is also killer. I'm sure there are people in your past that you were great friends with, but one little thing went wrong or something happened and now you don't even talk anymore. One thing came between you and that little thing prevents any kind of friendship or relationship.
Some times these things prevent us from moving forward in that area of our lives. You've been hurt by this kind of person once, so never again will you consider something like that. This is all very vague and I know that, but I don't really have anything real specific to myself. I have a friendship that is dead. He was my best friend for a little while. The whole one liking the other came up a couple times, at different times which was the problem, but that's not why the friendship is dead because that was years before it ended.
It's so hard to give so much of yourself to one person... even when your bff is someone of the same gender because self-disclosure takes a lot of trust and if that trust has ever been broken by anyone in your life you're always gonna remember that. Forgiveness doesn't always mean something's forgotten.
I don't know. I just know that so many people have things that have happened to them in their past and they're allowing those things to hold them back, to keep them from moving forward. Don't be afraid to love even if you've been crushed because of it. Don't be afraid to be a best friend... even if you've been slighted before. Not everyone's the same. I'm not saying that you won't get hurt again because I can't control that, but I know that it's worth moving on. This is for me too, not just you. And it's not just about relationships, but about friendships too.
Things are always going to come up that remind you of a time you were hurt. Hurting is allowed, being upset is allowed, yelling is allowed. I think it's so important to work through things even if it's by yourself, but best with God. Allow Him to heal you. Trust the Father to hold you. Work it out so that you can move on.
Wow, does that not sound like I know it all or what? Well I don't (by far!), but this is a good place to remind myself. Alright, enough of the mushy stuff...
I'm having friends over tonight for a dinner/game night and I'm really excited! It's all married people plus me, so I'm like the 11th wheel, but it should still be fun! Tomorrow night I'm heading into the city to hear John and Ben play a show and I'm pretty pumped about that too. Oh! I've been playing guitar a lot more these days and I finally finished a song I started in like November! Yahoo for that. K, peace out!

Search, Seek, Find

2008-02-17T00:21:00.002-05:00

So for part of the day today we movie hopped. First we saw Juno. I loved it. It was so real. It was something that would happen and I could see it happening in just that way to any kid. I also think it had a really good message, aside from the random sex that caused the whole ordeal in the first place. The actors did a fabulous job and the music cracked me up. It probably has one of the most random soundtracks I've ever heard.
The second movie we saw was No Country for Old Men. Again, the acting was superb, but the movie itself was a let down. It was a man hunting man type movie with no real purpose and no real end. I hate movies that end and I'm sitting there waiting for closure. It wasn't like you could assume what happens after it ends either... there are a million different ways it could go.
Both are Oscar nominated, but I'm thinkin that other than the acting and maybe some camera work in No Country, it wasn't that spectacular. Juno was artsy when it came to some cool camera angles. The acting was so real it's kinda scary. It was just so different. I guess realistically you can't compare the two, but it was just interesting to see how the Academy chooses such different movies. Differently made, differently performed. You know.
I've been really trying to look for God in everything recently. That sounds a little flower-child like, I know. I'm all about attention to detail, I'm all about trying to apply things to my relationship with God. I love just searching for Him. It seems like if I really focus on searching for Him all day He is so much more evident. Who know, right? Seems pretty obvious and self-explanatory, yeah? I don't know. I've just got to search for God. I've got to make that a priority. How can I ever expect to know more about Him if I just sit idly by? Can I ever be content in knowing what I know now? I don't think so. I think I'd be lost. Complacency is so dangerous.
I love thinking about things in terms of the Lord. It's just amazing. Sometimes it's hard though and sometimes there are things that make me want to scream because I can't understand them at the moment. Eventually I understand them and find a way to praise Him even in the hard things. Somethings I still haven't be able to understand, but I'm looking forward to a lesson someday.
Anyways, so as I'm watching these movies I'm trying to think of what I can learn about God. Well... let's just say that not everything can be a lesson, especially in fiction! But it's an interesting way to try and see things.
I just want to encourage you to seek god in ALL you do. Initiate a deeper relationship and seek to know Him deeper than you do now. It's like any other friendship or relationship... you usually get to know each other better because as time rolls on you divulge more about yourself thus self-disclosure happens, trust builds and you grow. Aspire to grow in the Lord. Ask the Spirit for some discernment. Sometimes you just gotta do. Take action. Go.

The poor will eat and be satisfied.All who seek the Lord will praise him.Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy. Psalm 22:26

The humble will see their God at work and be glad.Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged. Psalm 69:32

Search for the Lord and for his strength;continually seek him. Psalm 105:4

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10

I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. Psalm 119:10

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

A Greater Love

2008-02-13T21:08:00.004-05:00

I did something tonight that I never wanted to do... I never thought I'd do. I planned a lesson for youth group around 1 Corinthians 13. I'm kinda sick of that chapter being used so often in reference with weddings. I decided though, that I wanted to talk about love since tomorrow is Valentine's Day... not humanly love, Godly love. Unconditional love. Loving each other the way that God loves us. I talked a little bit about Paul and his history. I reminded them of the fact that 1 Corinthians is a letter to the people of Corinth from Paul offering them guidelines on how to live as a Christian in a pagan and corrupt society. Paul reminds the people that without love everything is meaningless. Also that the things of this earth will fall away and disappear, but love lasts forever.
We defined love. A lot of the words they used to describe love were right out of the chapter. We also talked about humanly love, brotherly love. I wanted to talk about how tomorrow is such a fun day whether you get flowers and candy or not. It's fun because we can use it as another excuse to praise God for the great love He has shown us. V-day is a day when many single people choose to sulk and have pity parties. They watch sappy movies, eat insane amounts of chocolate, wear their pjs, and avoid leaving the house... because apparently not being single is a status symbol. Well I wanted to get across that that's bull. That side of valentine's day is so man made it's crazy. As Christians we should be living every single day with love for our brothers and sisters. I think being grateful to the Lord is showing that everyday you care enough to tell someone what Jesus has done for you. How can we not shout out the greatest love story there is?
I don't know... that's the gist I s'pose. An update is in order...
Last Friday I went on a jr high purity retreat with Trent and his youth. We went down to someone's lake house for the weekend. I was supposed lead worship and to have prepared a talk to give to the kids. Well my talk didn't go as planned... mainly because it wasn't planned. I was busy as heck and just didn't take the time to prepare much. (excuses, excuses) But the Lord still works even in my failures and I trust that someone got something out of what I did say. (It wasn't about me, but about God anyways) Other than that though, the weekend went well I thought. I had fun times and I really like the kids he has. I really think they have a lot of potential and I'm excited to see how things play out in the future. I'm hoping to go down for jr high youth group in a couple weeks when I have a three day weekend.
Last night I started a little bible study group with two awesome ladies and I'm really excited for times of fellowship and learning more about God. I find myself being lazy a lot about being in the Word consistently, so I'm pretty pumped about being held accountable a little more. One thing we're going to do is talk about what God is teaching us at the present time, which is a great thing because that means we have to all come to the Lord with expectancy everyday... and not just be content to skim over something we've read a hundred times. I want, nay, need to delve deeper. I've recently started a study of King David on my own and so far so good.
Moving on. I'm looking forward to a weekend with one of my favorite people from IWU ever! I can't wait to hang with Beach! I'm also excited about going into the city for brunch on Saturday. I don't really get brunch though... I'm all about breakfast food (well minus the eggs) and I'm all about lunch food... but combined... too many choices.
Also, I FINALLY got the latest Caedmon's Call cd and I'm liking it! Of course! I put it in the cd player at work today and it was on repeat all day. Awesome.
The windows in my house are all being replaced, so the guys were here doing that today when I got home... my house was literally 40 degrees inside, with the heat running. Yikes! It's still pretty chilly, but no more random cold breezes and hopefully less disgusting crickets this summer. Something to look forward to!
Something else that's kind of exciting... I'm going to Florida in April with my whole family, which means I get to see Stacy and Jeff! We're taking the girls to Disney and all that jazz... it'll be fun. The last 2 or 3 times I've been to florida I haven't gone to a theme park. Kayla is going to be so fun to see experiencing Disney. She's too freakin cute.
While I was at work today I was reading through the Psalms. I came across this and wanted to share it with you.
Psalm 19:7-14
The instructions of the Lord are perfect,
reviving the soul.
The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear,
giving insight for living.
Reverence for the Lord is pure,
lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true;
each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
a great reward for those who obey them.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

This was kind of scatter-brained, but that's the story of my life these days. I hope you have a great V-day! Praise the Lord for knowing what real love is.

STB

2008-02-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

Shootin' the breeze. Most of the time conversations start off that way, right? I've been shootin the breeze with my brother a lot lately which has been fun, but also very eye-opening. He has helped me see some stuff in a new way. I've learned more about him than I ever learned when he lived in AZ. We talked a little bit about the time he spent there and how it was for him to be away my sister and I. Little did I know that he felt like he didn't really have sisters back then. That broke my heart to hear because I spent countless nights on the phone with my parents crying and begging them to send him back because I knew the kind of stuff he was getting into out there. (and you know it takes a lot to get me to cry). I used to have dreams that he was going to be harmed or get into an accident pretty frequently.
I love my brother more than words can say and I think back and regret that he didn't know that then. Things could be so different for him. For our whole family, probably. My mom has a brother who's a jerk-face. He's been married and divorced 4 or 5 times now and I have a cousin I never see except for at funerals because of him. Mom has no relationship with him at all and Vinny told me that's exactly how he felt. How awful.
When I think about all the time we spent not being a complete family unit because of my decisions, my sister's decisions, and my parent's decisions and there's regret there. I don't like to regret things because there's no need to. Say what you need to say or do what you need to do and move on. Now I see that if we all hadn't made those decisions we may not all be back together and as close as we are.
Speaking of regrets... my bro also lovingly pointed out things about me that I never really realized. I've learned that I guard and protect myself too much and that's why I have some of these regrets. In protecting myself I don't say things I really should say because I don't want to potentially be hurt, but in the end I end up hurting more. I go with the flow and convince myself that everything is just fine because I don't want to stir things up, but then I'm left dealing with more than I should have to.
You know... sometimes there are things you want to tell people, but you know it's either going to start some kind of drama or cause indignation. There's a book called "how to have those hard to have conversations" and I sometimes think I should read it so I could get things off my chest but still be tactical.
Not sure what the point of this is right now. Mainly, my blog has become a place for me to vent lately as opposed to a day to day update like it used to be. It's a good out for me these days.
Here is something I read today by Charles Spurgeon, a 19th century Baptist preacher in England. I encourage you to read through the whole thing...
"Perseverance is the badge of true saints. The Christian
life is not a beginning only in the ways of God, but also a continuance in
the same as long as life lasts. It is with a Christian as it was with the
great Napoleon: he said, "Conquest has made me what I am, and conquest must
maintain me." So, under God, dear brother in the Lord, conquest has made you
what you are, and conquest must sustain you. Your motto must be,
"Excelsior." He only is a true conqueror, and shall be crowned at the last,
who continueth till war's trumpet is blown no more. Perseverance is,
therefore, the target of all our spiritual enemies. The world does not
object to your being a Christian for a time, if she can but tempt you to
cease your pilgrimage, and settle down to buy and sell with her in Vanity
Fair. The flesh will seek to ensnare you, and to prevent your pressing on to
glory. "It is weary work being a pilgrim; come, give it up. Am I always to
be mortified? Am I never to be indulged? Give me at least a furlough from
this constant warfare." Satan will make many a fierce attack on your
perseverance; it will be the mark for all his arrows. He will strive to
hinder you in service: he will insinuate that you are doing no good; and
that you want rest. He will endeavour to make you weary of suffering, he
will whisper, "Curse God, and die." Or he will attack your steadfastness:
"What is the good of being so zealous? Be quiet like the rest; sleep as do
others, and let your lamp go out as the other virgins do." Or he will assail
your doctrinal sentiments: "Why do you hold to these denominational creeds?
Sensible men are getting more liberal; they are removing the old landmarks:
fall in with the times." Wear your shield, Christian, therefore, close upon
your armour, and cry mightily unto God, that by His Spirit you may endure to
the end."

Goodnight ya'll.

Enough

2008-01-30T21:12:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you're enough? Do you wonder if you're enough because people make you feel as though you're not? What does it even mean to be enough? This is so simple today. I will never be enough. You will never be enough. Because only God is enough. Only God can satisfy completely. Only the Father can be my all in all... your all in all.
Where's this coming from, you ask? Well I work with a person who is never satisfied. She goes day to day talking to new people and meeting new people because no one is enough for her. She's searching. It's sad because she won't find it where she's looking.
I really thought through her situation today for some reason. Maybe because she was sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers the other day. They were just perfect. She talked all day about how she had never been sent flowers before and she was so excited. I was happy for her but also a little jealous because I've never had flowers sent to me by anyone but my parents. In the next couple of days she was showered with little gifts and while all of those things brought momentary joy, at the end of the night she was still unsatisfied. Those things weren't enough for her. Before I move on I'd like to interject that she is admittedly high maintenance, but that's not the point. The point is... she is not allowing God to be enough if anything at all. She is looking to be happy and have joy, but only true joy can be found in Christ.
I've been guilty of trying to be enough for people lately only to be sorely disappointed when I come to realize that they don't need me as much as I thought. I've thought things like "why am I not enough for you?" and "why don't you just come to me with that?" and "why can't I know that part?". I'm trying to be too much. When someone has something they need me for they'll come. I don't need to know every part of everyone's life. I hate knowing that something's up and I don't know what it is, nor can I ask because I need to allow the person to go to whoever they want to in order to work stuff out. I hate that I can't fix things for people like I want to. I hate that I can't be a part of all parts of people's lives, like something's being hidden.
I'm kinda easily affected by how others are doing, so if I know (or think I know) that you're struggling, mad, or just upset I feel helpless... especially if I don't know for sure. Make any sense?
I need to relax, realize that I'm not enough, and allow Jesus to handle things with other people, not me. I'm thinkin He handles other people's stuff better than I can or will ever.
Onto lighter stuff... my brother is back from arizona and I'm really glad. He's become one of my best buds these days. Alexandria is nine months old today and too freakin cute. I didn't do anything real exciting over the weekend, just kind of hung out. I have to work this saturday which is no fun, but sunday I'm excited to hang with friends for a super bowl party. Next week I only have a 4 day week and I can't wait! Short work weeks are great. Next Friday I'm heading down to Indy to go on a retreat with Trent and his jr. high kids. Should be a good time. Prayers for the youth and leadership are welcome.
I think I have a mission trip figured out for this summer with my church and I'm pretty excited about that. Welp that's it from me.
All in All
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up, I’d be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down, You pick me up
When I am dry, You fill my cup
You are my all in all

You thought I was going to put the lyrics to "Enough" up, didn't you? How predictable!

Back to Reality

2008-01-21T23:24:00.000-05:00

Today my mom asked me to go see a movie with her. We saw 27 Dresses. Let me preface this by saying I love being a bridesmaid and while my number hasn't reached 27 yet... it's getting there. ;) The main girl, Jane is a busy-body, people pleaser type woman. She lives her life to make others happy, but doesn't take the time to live her own life. It was a cute movie, pretty funny, and a typical chick flick. It made my mom cry... hehe. I can't say I was moved to tears, but I'll probably end up owning it when it comes out.
I love my mom more than words can say... however after the movie, as we're driving home she goes, "She reminded me of you." I laughed and said, "because I'm never gonna get married?!? Geez, thanks Mom!" She said, "No! Because of the kind of fun she had, that's the kind of fun you like to have." Interesting. Jane really enjoyed being a part of someone's special day and making them happy. I like weddings and being in weddings... it's usually stressful, but a good stressful. It's a day of anticipation... waiting to see everything take place that you've been helping plan for a year (a year is way too long btw! You should not need a year to plan one day of your life. Don't you think?)
Anyways the point of this is that I found it interesting to be compared to a character in a movie. Sometimes we watch movies and see things and want so much for our lives to be like the character's. It's just funny to me. Movies create a whole new world. While you're watching, you're a part of that world, but when it's over, it's back to reality.
My reality is that I have to work tomorrow. And after having a 4 day weekend it doesn't sound too appealing right now. This weekend was full of a lot of nothing. For the first time in a long time I didn't travel to visit friends, I didn't go into the city, I didn't do anything. I watched football, went to church, went bowling, but nothing too major and it was lovely. I really needed time to myself and time to sleep... seriously sleep. I've been dealing with some health stuff and it's been super stressful and painful and just no fun. BUT I'm starting to feel better and I know it's because I finally took the time to rest. You can still be praying for me. Wednesday I may have to go under the knife, but after that I should be golden. It's all very dramatic sounding, but really I'm good. I appreciate prayers. Thanks!
Well if I'm gonna get up early to make it to work on time with the snow (and people who drive like snow is a new thing) I should be off to bed. Read this chapter in Proverbs, all of it. G'night.

Proverbs 18

1 An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends;
he defies all sound judgment.
2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions.
3 When wickedness comes, so does contempt,
and with shame comes disgrace.
4 The words of a man's mouth are deep waters,
but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.
5 It is not good to be partial to the wicked
or to deprive the innocent of justice.
6 A fool's lips bring him strife,
and his mouth invites a beating.
7 A fool's mouth is his undoing,
and his lips are a snare to his soul.
8 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to a man's inmost parts.
9 One who is slack in his work
is brother to one who destroys.
10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.
11 The wealth of the rich is their fortified city;
they imagine it an unscalable wall.
12 Before his downfall a man's heart is proud,
but humility comes before honor.
13 He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame.
14 A man's spirit sustains him in sickness,
but a crushed spirit who can bear?
15 The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
the ears of the wise seek it out.
16 A gift opens the way for the giver
and ushers him into the presence of the great.
17 The first to present his case seems right,
till another comes forward and questions him.
18 Casting the lot settles disputes
and keeps strong opponents apart.
19 An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city,
and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.
20 From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled;
with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.
21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the LORD.
23 A poor man pleads for mercy,
but a rich man answers harshly.
24 A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

tired

2008-01-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

So incase you didn't pick this up from my blog last night... I'm kinda whinny this week. I've been in a bad mood most of the week and tonight it's all kinda crashing down on me. It's an attack of sorts if you know what I mean. I feel like I can do nothing. Like I can't say anything. Like the things I say and do don't matter. My heart hurts and it's tired of hurting. This isn't one thing... it's lots of things. I can't even explain it. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm sick of feeling like I don't matter to people who matter so much to me. I'm sick of surface friendships and people who can't take the time to be a good friend back to me. I'm tired of carrying this.
I can't always be happy-go-lucky and smiling. Sometimes it seems as though that's what's expected 100% of the time. And normally I am happy, but tonight I'm sad. Tonight I'm alone. I've been feeling very alone lately. Even though I just got back from seeing friends over the weekend, and I talk on the phone constantly, and I'm always with my family... I still feel alone. I have plenty of friends and people I talk to and even old friends I've been seeing so often. I'm just at an ending point right now.
Even now when I'm so sad and alone, God is here. I just can't get away. He won't let me (thankfully).
I read this today:
"Let's just praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Let's just lift our hands to heaven
And praise the Lord;
Let's just praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Let's just lift our hands to heaven
And praise the Lord!"
-Bill and Gloria Gaither
Psalm 134:2 says, "Lift up your hands in the sanctuary and praise the Lord."

A Material Soapbox

2008-01-09T23:25:00.001-05:00

What have I been up to you ask? Well besides being funny... Christmas was awesome, really fun to see everyone as always. Michelle and Aaron were here and I got to see them a ton which was great. My birthday was good times... I was with my fam early in the day and then out with friends in the evening. New Years was pretty cool, but I was such a sicky I couldn't even taste the amazing food very well. I got to see Alex's baby and spend time there. All in all, life's been pretty nice lately. Minus work, but I can't even write much about that because I'm in a good mood and it'll change real fast if I talk about work.
I was asked by Ben Thomas (and I realize some of you don't know who this is... well he's awesome. enough said) and Pastor Scott to talk to the congregation at WSUMC about my ministry, about my time at WS, and about how I came to know the Lord. It was quite the experience and I loved being there and spending time at my "home" church and just feeling like I meant something to someone, you know? It's weird that Wheatland isn't my home church anymore, but it's ok too. That was the point kinda... that I'm out, away from WS, in ministry. So anyways I thought it was kinda cool. I'd love to tell you about it sometime, but this isn't the place.
Moving on... I'm been thinking about "things" lately. Not like "things", but "things"... you know? No? Well I mean material things. Not like I've been pondering the universe or anything like that. But for real yo, I've been thinking about how much I have... and to some people it's nothing.
To some I have so little because I don't have a brand new car, or a big diamond, or my own house, or any money saved up, or a big-screen TV, or this or that. But to some I have so much because I have a car that runs well, I have my own place (though it's not mine), I have a nice computer, an iPod, about 200 dvds, a Taylor guitar... the list could go on. Well here's my thinking right now. Take it. Take it all. I don't need it, any of it. These are not the things that define me or make me who I am. These are not the things I put my hope in. Do I enjoy them? Yup. Even love them sometimes? Absolutely. And therein lies the problem. Sometimes these things, these objects become the subject of conversations and such. And sometimes I actually have the audacity to say that I need more than I already have. It's kinda funny right? I can't believe it myself sometimes.
I'm blessed by the things I have and I usually do my best to use them for the glory of God, but in the last month I found myself wanting things that I didn't need. That no one NEEDS. That others have.
When I first got my guitar I was really leery on who I would let even touch the thing. I think there were like 4 people allowed to touch it other than me. Now, for the most part everyone interested has played him, and as of late the only time I seem to be able to pick him up is when I'm using him in worship of the Lord.
I'm not really sure what the point of this was other than to remind myself that I have things I don't need. I have a lot more than lots of people. So when I start to want what other people have, but I don't need... I can be reminded of that.
Sidebar, this probably sounds all "charismatic-like" (which is just fine), but it's not as though I'm going to smash my guitar just because I don't need it. Don't get me wrong... I like nice things. I think I just need to be a better steward of my money. And also not care so much about the nice things the people around have. Pride comes before a fall.
ps I've been listening to the Message (bible translation by Eugene Peterson) in my car on my drive to work and it's great! I highly recommend not only the translation, but listening to the bible while driving.
Here's something a friend had me read last night in the Message version.
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves." Matthew 5:43-44
Respond with the energies of prayer...

Foggy

2007-12-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

Today as I was driving home from work, my sister called and asked me to grab something from the store, but she also called to warn me that is was "really" foggy and I needed to be careful. It was very nice of her. So as I'm getting closer to home the fog is starting to get thicker, although when you can still see about 30 yards ahead of you I don't think it's necessary to go 30mph in a 50. So my first reaction was to be annoyed because I had tons of stuff to do before youth group tonight and I still wanted to see my family too.
That attitude changed pretty quickly because as I was crawling along the streets I started to think about how mysterious fog makes things. Even the roads I drive down everyday, twice a day, started to be tricky. With the fog only revealing a little at a time, I had to pay attention to things I just blow past everyday. The lights illuminate only what needs to be illuminated by them. Somehow life in the fog is gorgeous. Christmas lights glow in a new way, streets lamps dance as I cross the railroad tracks, and headlights just appear out of nowhere. For some reason I had never thought about fog as much more than an inconvenience when trying to get from point A to point B. But really when the fog has settled and you can only see what's right in front of you, it can be beautiful.
And then I think about the mystery of my God. The mystery of faith. The mystery of the cross. Maybe sometimes we can only see what's right up ahead because that's all we need to see. We don't need reasoning from God because who are we to demand explanations? We just go. We just do. That's the mystery of faith.
But what's more is that things are sometimes clearer in the fog. There are so many things I can't understand in day to day life. These are just a few: Why I drive so far everyday, why my family doesn't love the Lord like I do, why friends do and say things they do, why I'm single, why I'm in a job where I feel inadequate and small, why I have so much and others have so little, why money rules the world when it's all going to burn someday, why my dad is disabled because of a ten pound carton, why my niece or nephew never made it to 9 months, why my friend's families aren't support of them, why my friend's friends aren't supportive of them, why God chose me to do His work in this place, and why He loved me enough to pay the ultimate price.
Those are all so unclear and so uncertain, but when I read over those few things I just know that God knows and that has to be enough. Is that always something I can stomach so easily? Absolutely not. And I struggle with it sometimes. Seeing the fog tonight made me realize that I don't have to always understand. And things don't always have to be clear. Sometimes I just need to focus on what's in front of me and know that my Father is going to take care of the rest.
I also thought about what it would be like to be surrounded by fog all the time. Kind of a drag, don't ya think? I do, because as much as I love how the world looks outside my window right now, I love the sun. I love to see the stars shinning. Heck, I love to see my destination before I'm 10 feet away from it! I think that once we get focused on our work and what God has for us the fog will clear. We still might not have explanations for things we don't understand, but it becomes clear when we don't NEED explanations. Make sense? Maybe a little.
Moving onto a quick update. Last friday I drove from my work Christmas party to just outside of Dayton, OH to sing/play guitar at a wedding saturday afternoon. I left the wedding and didn't go to the reception because the weather was bad. I drove to Indy and hung with Trental. Sunday I got on the snow covered highway and drove to Michigan where I spent the afternoon chillin before coming home. Long weekend, about 1000 miles on my car, and almost no sleep. (well, I slept about 3 hours fri night. saturday I slept really good, but only for about 6 hours.) It was a good weekend though. Really good. And ya'll know I don't mind long drives... I have my shaker egg and cds to keep me company! Anywho, my best friend Michelle gets in this week and I cannot wait to see her! I'm looking forward to a Christmas party reunion with my high school/church friends. I have the best white elephant gift to bring!
Also, in case you haven't heard, my b-day is in 11 days! Yeah, get excited! G'night!

Friendly stuff

2007-12-12T22:32:00.000-05:00

Quick update then moving on to other things, sound good? In the last month I've started a new job, seen three awesome shows (Dane Cook, Third Day, and Jars of Clay), visited best friends, gotten to know new friends, Kayla turned 3 (Whoa!), spent tons of time with family, read more of God's word than I have in a looooong time, wrote a new song, decorated many Christmas trees, spent a lot of time in the city, had a blast with youth kids, and haven't slept. That's my life in a nutshell. A very big nutshell.
It doesn't sound like much, but it's been a draining month and even though I've spent so much time with friends and family and on the phone with them I feel like I coulda done a better job at being a good friend.
Speaking of being a good friend... (did you like that segue (segway)?) I'd like to talk about what I think friendship is and some things I think are important. A little input on self worth may slip it's way in here at some point... you've been warned. :) To be real honest I need to start carrying a tape recorder around with me because I have thought of so many things I'd like to say and now that I've made the time to sit down, breathe, and write for a minute it's all gone.
Now that we're all a little older and less dramatic I think it's safe to say we can be honest with one another without a greek tragedy taking place. Agreed? Things are going to come up that you don't want to have to tell someone else and at some point you just have to suck it up and do it. This is for me too, in other words I'm a soprano/alto preaching to the choir. I've studied a bit of what the bible has to say on friendship and I've found some good stuff and tons of great examples of true friendship, but if I take the time to write them down here my sleep deprivation will prevail once more. Essentially we NEED to be relying on others. There is no shame in needing someone else. Ultimately all we need is God, right? BUT in all His wisdom, God created others to share life with. What an awesome God we serve! Amen?
Friendship is double sided in that we give and we take. Would you be willing to drive somewhere at 4am if a friend needed you to? Do you know someone who would do that for you? I hope so. Friendships are such hard work, but they can be such a breeze at the same time. I have lots of people I refer to as best friends and that's because the Lord has been so good to surround me with awesome people.
I've had to make a choice though. There are some people who I'm not in great contact with (if at all) because I've chosen to make serving God my #1 priority and that somehow was being hindered by people. For those of you who know much about me know that I DO NOT give up on friendships. If you've been a big part of my life I'd like to keep it that way. I'm no good at letting go. I can't just shrug, think "oh well", and move on. I've never been able to do that. Are there times I'd like to throw in the towel? um heck yes there are! But in the end I can't. I'm pretty big on time spent, whether that be face to face, phone, facebook, whatev. If you give me the time of day I'm pretty happy. That's how I feel loved and most everyone knows that or has picked up on it at some point. I like to know that my friendships mean something to other people too. You know? I just had dinner with my old bible study buddy from high school. We hang out like once, maybe twice a month even though we live about 35 minutes apart and that doesn't bother me at all. Time spent doesn't mean every second, (can we say high maintenance?).
Anypoo there's so much I'd like to say, but I want to move on too. I recently had a convo with a good friend about why she doesn't have a boyfriend at 25 years old. It was just a casual "boys are clueless" talk, but I decided it had to be more than that because boys aren't as clueless as we think. Why would a beautiful, smart, funny, girl be single? Good question right? Well the cop-out answer is that God has someone so special and it's gonna be awesome when you finally meet... also you won't be wasting time on the wrong guys. Ok, that's great and all, but no girl wants to hear that, I don't! so I didn't go there.
Instead I drew from another convo I had with a guy friend last summer. I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but I was probably complaining about being single because almost all of my friends are married now. Anyways... I asked him to explain some reasons why I'm single other than obvious ones. He said I'm intimidating. My reaction: WHAT? Me? Are you kidding? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! His explanation was this: 'you're smart, pretty, confident, funny, you have a good head on your shoulders, you can sing and play guitar, you know what you want in life and you're going to work to get it, you are outgoing, and you're fun, you're moral.'
So let's review... smart, ok I've got a college degree and I have common sense, but let's be real I was a Comm major. Pretty, that's hard to respond to. Confident, it may appear that way, but I'm like anyone else. we're all a little self-conscience sometimes. Funny, well duh! Good head on my shoulders, my mind is racing 99% of the time. When I'm being quiet it's because I can't say anything... my mind is running over everything. Sing and play guitar, both are a passion, but I'm mediocre at both of them. Know what I want in life? Not so much. I know that i'd like a husband and kids at some point too, but that's it. I love what I'm doing with the youth and I know I'm called to work with kids, but I don't know what I want to do in life. Make sense? Outgoing, sometimes. Fun, all the time. Moral? Well yes... I haven't killed anyone (yet), but I'm a sinner just like everyone else.
You see, appearances are deceiving. So the "you're intimidating" thing is hard to pull off too because girls will counter most things you tell them about themselves. And then I thought about it. Maybe that's true. Maybe we are intimidating. So I told her that all the things she has going for her might scare guys, which is true. BUT through all that we must not change who we are. Because in the end someone will fall in love with all of those qualities. And it will be beautiful.
Something I've been preaching a lot to my few single friends is that God is using them right now and so don't be consumed by thoughts of "getting a boyfriend" because that has the ability to hinder your ministry. God can use you single right now, so go with it. And hopefully if your desire is to get married... when you start dating someone, together you will bring glory to the Father and your ministry will blossom even more. Marriage is just another opportunity to glorify God, don't you think?
And I'm done. Here's something I love...

"I'll cry when you want to but can't.
I'll pray when your hands are too heavy to lift.
I'll hold you up when your body fails you.
I'll love you when you just can't..."

I think that's what real love and friendship means. I'll catch ya on the flip side.

Coming soon...

2007-12-10T23:59:00.000-05:00

Hey home-slices... life's been nuts and I've got a lot to say about it. There have been countless times when I've had something I really wanted to write on here, but I never found the time to do it. Well I'm going to make time this week... sometime... hopefully. I know you miss me... ;)

Jesus

2007-11-06T16:54:00.000-05:00

"His office is manifold,
and His promise is sure.
His life is matchless,
and His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is enough,
and His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous, His yoke is easy,
and His burden is light.

He is indestructible. He is indescribable.
He is incomprehensible. He is inescapable.
He is invincible. He is irresistable. He is irrefutable.

I can't get Him out of my mind...
And I can't get Him out of my heart.
I can't outlive Him,
And I can't live without Him.

The Pharisees couldn't stand Him
but found they couldn't stop Him.
Satan tried to tempt Him
but found he couldn't trip Him.
Pilot examined Him on trial
but found he couldn't fault Him.
The Romans crucified Him
but found they couldn't take His life.
Death couldn't handle Him,
and the grave couldn't hold Him."

This is a little excerpt out of something I read a while ago. I really like it so I thought I'd share it with you.

Cool breezes

2007-11-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

It's fall!! I'm really loving the cooler weather right now and the leaves are gorgeous. This is my favorite time of year... I really like summer, but I'm ready for some snow... maybe a ski trip and definitely lots of sledding! Anyways people always talk about there's nothing better than a warm breeze, but I'm thinking there's nothing like a cool breeze. I love how brisk the mornings are. Nothing wakes me up like walking outside in 30 degree weather. I've got to get used to getting up early and having a real schedule because... I HAVE A JOB. (a job to go along with being a youth pastor.) I'm really excited about this opportunity, but there have been some touchy times because of this new job.
It doesn't pay a ton, but I don't care... other people care. One response I got was "a college degree..." and that's it! Rude! Yes, I've got a college degree and yeah (at times) I worked really hard for it and paid a lot of money for it (5 years!!), but it DOES NOT define my life. I'm blessed by the education I've received... I feel very knowledgeable and I can attribute a lot of that to IWU. The job isn't working in my field, but let's be real... I'm thinking about 70% of graduates aren't working in a job related to their field right now.
It's just really hard when the people who are supposed to be the most supportive in your life turn out to be the least. I've only talked to two people outside of my family, but they got more excited and encouraged me more than my whole family put together (minus my brother). btw, thank you for encouraging me friends. Serioulsy though, ouch. I think the thing that makes me the saddest are the reasons why my family don't understand and can't be supportive... with this new job and the youth pastor job. My family needs Jesus. Why is it so easy to talk to the kids about this, but when it comes to my family, the people I love so much I am so casual with their futures? This is something that we all struggle with and deal with at some point even if we come from a Christian home, but it's still so hard.
I can't say that's the only reason... I mean my parents are very realistic and financially minded, along with the rest of the world. They want what's best for me and for me to be the best in whatever I do. They want to me to follow through with some of my dreams I've talked about over the years... and I'm really glad for that, but things change. God changes everything. My number one goal and job in life is to glorify Him. All my life I've been working to keep the peace and essentially, please people. Because sometimes pleasing is the right thing to do (as in being service minded, helpful and respectful).
Well, I'm done with that. I really want my parents to be happy for me and to understand that my life isn't based on these little choices I'm making now. It's based on Something so much bigger than anything I ever dreamed up. Yeah, there's still stuff I would like to do and hopefully I'll get the chance to. I'm not ruling anything out until the Ruler does. Get my drift? I'm not willing to limit myself or my God for that matter, by things I've said I've wanted to do in the past. Hopefully this doesn't come across as an "I don't give a rip" attitude because I respect my parents so much, I just respect God too.
I'm gonna go ahead and get down off my soapbox for a minute... breathe.
Other updates... I'm going down to Trent's next week and going to see Dane Cook (for the 3rd time btw!!) and I'm really excited. I'm excited to see and spend time with people. It's gonna be great. I may even get to explore a cave. :) I'm also super pumped because I'm going to see Third Day Christmas Offerings Tour and Jars of Clay is with them! I love Christmas music. I love Third Day and Jars. It's gonna be awesome! I saw Bill Gaither last year with Trent and it was awesome too, but (sorry Trent) I think this year is going to be even better! Who knows though? Bill and his homecoming friends really know how to rock. :)
In other news, Alexandria is 6 months old and always really happy. She's gorgeous. Kayla will be 3 next friday so of course, she's really funny and entertaining. Sometimes she says stuff that I'm just shocked by. "Out of the mouths of babes..." Wow, how old am I? So anyways, not much else is new. I was in Nashville a couple of weeks ago helping some friends move. I've been hanging out with some of my fave peeps from grade school. I've been uplifted and encouraged by some awesome women in my life and I'm really excited to be "moving forward" these days. I've been reading some good books. I'm pretty excited about life right now and I'm looking forward to things ahead. Prayers for my new job are very welcome and also for my family and my youth.
one last thing, I promise...
I tend to allow myself to get stuck pretty easily. Ruts are tough. Praise God for His awesome power and for His lifting us out of our ruts, yeah? It's easy to be content with where we're at and what we THINK we know, but it's dangerous and can cause a rut to form around us. I pray that you will seek to learn more about Jesus today.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:1-3

a simple prayer

2007-10-03T19:36:00.001-04:00

Gracious Father, grant me a lowly spirit of gratitude.
Make me feel the preciousness of past grace.
Give me an honest memory of mercy.
Forgive me for the pride of unremembered gifts and callous thanklessness.
Waken faith in my wavering soul and give me strong confidence in Your solid promises.
Where past and future meet make me humble and bold.
In Jesus' name and for His sake,
Amen

So demanding!

2007-10-01T22:36:00.000-04:00

Ever demanded something? Stomped your feet and pounded your fists because you were demanding something? Screamed, cried, begged, rationalized, and pleaded because you were demanding something? Yeah, I'm sure you have and I'm sure you were 2 years old. Well I'm 24, about to be 25 and for the last several years I've been doing some of these things... though not quite as dramatically. I've been VERY demanding. As I'm sure you know about me when I want something bad enough I work and fight to make it happen until it does. I don't take 'no' very often... or very well when I do.
Well I got my answer to something after all these years and it was a slap in the face, a kick in the butt, and a break in my heart... and to be very honest with you, I'm not handling it well. The answer came very clearly and directly from the Lord after a particularly demanding "temper tantrum". I believe it's ok to yell, maybe even scream at God sometimes, but who the heck am I to absolutely DEMAND something from my Creator? Asking for something and praying with expectancy can go hand in hand, but doesn't always. I guess this particially goes back to the desires of our hearts becoming God's desires for us and thus actually true desires... because if it's a true desire it will be what God wants for us. Make sense. Maybe I'm not explaining it the best, but I can so if you don't get it let me know.
I've recently been asked if you get the answer to prayer you get because of the way you ask. At first it was kind of silly to me, but I think I understand how one could think that. My answer is not usually, but maybe once in a while. It would make sense for one to think yes though because of the simple fact that we are so imperfect. When a child is screaming and throwing a fit the last thing I, personally want to do is reward them by giving them what they are crying for. Some give it to them just because they're acting ridiculous, but in the end it does not better the situation, only gives the child the power. Sometimes, its just so much easier to give them the candy than to hear them cry. This is all very mommy of me, but think about it. When I'm fighting, crying, and/or demanding something and it's not being given to me... a simple "no" isn't always clear because it's not what I want to hear. Selective hearing? Maybe.
BUT, kinda getting back to the point, God is (thankfully) God! He is perfect. He is not like us in that I don't think He gives in to many temper tantrums. God doesn't anger quickly like humans do. He's patient. I don't think God responds to us like we do to others. I think that just because I've been asking and rationalizing for so long it doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want. And maybe there's a reason the answer was clearly NO right now... does it mean it will always be NO to the same thing? Absolutely not. It just wasn't best for me at this time. Am I making sense? I don't know. We're not robots and we have the choice to do what we want, when we want, but as we all know that attitude does not benfit anyone, ever. Does what you want glorify God? No, then think again. Yes, then keep doing what you do until the time is right for what you want. As long as you're glorifying the Lord... keep it going. What else do you need? Nothing. You may think something will better that or even coincide with that and maybe it does, but why change things that are working? You know?
Sidebar, God does sometimes give in and I think He hates it. Lessons are much harder learned that way, aren't they? Why go through something that's not neccessary?
That's that, I suppose. This is elementary, but its also debatable. Moving on...
What's new with me? Well since I haven't really updated since August, a lot. I've been keeping pretty busy with work, family, and friends. My really good friends are finally home from Taiwan and I've been enjoying hanging out with them and that group of people. They are all very encouraging to be around. They're also so comfortable to be around... we grew up together and went to church together. Learned about the Lord together. It's been great. Um, I'm teaching again. I just got back from IN and OH where I went to yet another beautiful wedding and visited with some fun friends. A lot happens and goes on in a month and a half, but much of it is day to day stuff and chances are if you're reading this I've talked to you in that time. I'm really excited for Fall and praying that the change in seasons and weather doesn't bring on a cold like normal! :) There are a lot of fun times coming up in the next few months and I can't wait to see what the Lord has for this time in my life.
(ps The Office has started back up and the premiere was more than I hoped for!! Watch it, Thursdays, 8pm!)

"The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." ~ Lamentations 3:25-26

Faux update

2007-09-19T03:15:00.000-04:00

I know I've been slacking and I actually have a ton I'd love to write about, but not now. It would be super unwise for me to start writing anything because nothing would come across the way I want it to. My head is real jumbled and I haven't figured out a way to clear it up yet. I wish I knew how to express so many things at this point, but I'm SO tired... in every way you can possibly be tired. So why even write anything?? Good question.

Marriage - A Spiritual Merit Badge?

2007-08-28T23:22:00.000-04:00

Alright guys... this is really long, but really well written and worth reading the whole thing. It was not written by me (obviously), but by an aquaintance named Dan Montgomery. He works at Grace of Dupage Church, graduated from North Central College with a History degree, and is saving to start seminary soon. He's a very intellegent guy and though I don't know him very well at all, I respect him a ton. (ps He was one of the groomsmen in the wedding I was just in.)

"There’s a myth going around Youth Groups, Christian Books Stores and whatever other nooks and crannies of Christendom young people tend to dwell. As a 24 year old single guy I encounter it quite often. It seemed believable when I first heard it as a 16 year old, but as time has gone on I’ve come to see its folly. The myth I speak of is this: God won’t bring your soul mate into your life until you’re spiritually mature enough. You must be completely in love with Jesus before he will allow you to love someone else. It is only once you are unshakably content in Christ, having attained a state of Dating Nirvana, that you will receive your spiritual merit badge of a spouse. Now I’ll admit, I’m not being very fair. No one really says that exactly, but that’s probably the problem. The presentation of this foolish idea is often much more sublime. It’s mixed with rock solid biblical truth about trusting God, being satisfied in Him alone, only being capable of truly loving your spouse if you first love God, etc. Unfortunately, it makes marriage an end in itself. Let me give you an example of this mindset I came across via e-mail:

Dear Friend,
Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says, No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, until giving yourself totally to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing - one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things, keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM! Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't look at the things you want. You just keep looking off and up to Me or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready ( I am working even this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this perfect love. And Dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relation with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am the Almighty God. Believe it and be satisfied.

Look at the beautiful truth oozing out that paragraph! In there is advice and encouragement I’d pass on to any single person struggling to be content with their singleness! If you’re single and you’re reading this, realize that your discontent won’t be quenched by a mate. It will only be quenched by the all sufficient God. It’s not a very loving thing to put your huge need for satisfaction on the back of another human. If you long to be married some day (which is a very good desire that God put in place in The Garden) do not be anxious. God takes care of his children!

I praise God that I’m relatively content with my singleness (be it short or long term) but I do understand and have seen in others the frustration and restlessness that can come as a twenty-something (or older) single. One huge weapon to wage in the fight to quiet your soul is to preach marriage’s true purpose to yourself – to reflect God’s love for His Church. If you can have that weighty view of marriage in mind, you will not be flippant or selfish about your search for a mate.

But among all the good advice that is given there, there’s so much misdirection! It’s wildly frustrating to read this realizing that what’s being said is; “if you were ‘satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone’ like your married friends, you’d be married too!” A paragraph like this may seem like a good way to get the anxious eighteen year-old to calm down and focus on growing up but it doesn’t work for too long. Eventually you just start to sound like one of Jobs friends. Good intentions with bad theology. The crux of the folly is this; that marriage is an end in itself. That marriage is a reward for holiness, not a means for sanctification. That if you really want to be married just pursue God you'll finally get what you want, namely, marriage. Reminds me of Simon the Sorcerer (Acts 8)!!!

I’ve met some people who seem to long for marriage the way we’re supposed to long for a better country. Look at Hebrews 11:13-16.

13These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

Verse 16 clearly says that God has prepared for them a CITY, not a spouse (although he does providentially, lovingly and wisely prepared relationships, that’s not the point). Our reward for faithfulness and the resolution of the dissonance in our soul is not eternity spent with our spouse in marriage. It’s eternity spent with Jesus in heaven. When God blesses Christians with marriage it is meant to help prepare them for that. When a couple is married, they become partnered pilgrims on the voyage home, NOT the “ying” to the others “yang”.

Marriage is, for those blessed by it, a means for God to achieve something else. Those who are married have the privilege and duty of using their marriage for God’s glory. They are supposed to reflect God’s relationship to the Church and to demonstrate selfless love via leadership and submission in a way that a single could not (Galatians 5:31-32)

Christian singles have privilege and duty of using their singleness for god’s glory. They are supposed to demonstrate the satisfaction that is in Christ to the rest of the world in a way that those who are married can not (Isaiah 56).

So in conclusion, YES! Pursue God! Run after God! Long to be satisfied in God! And while you're at it, go ahead and find a spouse. Be wise and patient in your search taking the counsel of those around in. But don't lose sight of why you're getting married (or staying single). There's a plotline more central to this universe than your love life. Yield to that."

The calm

2007-08-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

It's been really stormy the last few days... tornados and the like. I've loved it. You can't fully enjoy summer until that one booming crack of thunder rattles your insides enough to remind you of your childhood and nights spent on your parent's bedroom floor. It's calm out there right now, but more strong storms are predicted for later on. The calm before the storm. It can be such a peaceful time, but it can also be such a tense time too. The anxiety and expectancy of it all is almost too much sometimes... as it is in life.
This is the first week I've had time to breathe in a while and it's a bit of a strange thing for me. It signifies the end of summer, I suppose. Things are winding down, but I don't think I'm ready for them to be over. The reality of everyday life is setting back in now that "wedding week '07" is over and I'm home from visiting various friends who live way too far away. Carley's wedding was beautiful, she was glowing and Matt was really handsome. The day went off without a hitch as far as I can tell... there wasn't any drama, Kayla was really cute as the flower girl, and Matt and Carley were revelling in the love they share. It was perfect for them... because it was all for the Lord.
The time I got to spend with my friends was priceless as always... there's a comfort in old friends that I can't really describe. All of my old friends have new friends and it's fun to incorporate them into our lives when we're together... basically I'm talking about their husbands or wives. This is such a strange time in my life. Time is a tricky thing. Hours, days, weeks, months, years. They all slip away from us. I'm not sure what this means right now.
People think it's weird that I'm not married yet. Other people commend me on it (as though I've had much of a choice). But I'm okay with my singleness and it's a great time to be free. I see that there's blessings in it and I praise God for the work He does through me. Ya gotta work with what you're given, yeah? For as much as I enjoy life the way it is I wouldn't be opposed to a change. That's really ONLY to say that I'm sick of people telling me that being single is the greatest thing ever and that they wished they had spent more time figuring out who they were. (whoa, kinda a harsh turn, I know) The thing is why can't you figure out who you are now? You're still an individual even though the two become one. The other person just addes to that. I believe that you have to work on figuring out who you are in the Lord, everyday, single or married. It's something everyone should work on, don't you think? I don't know... maybe I'm way off base here and if I am feel free to tell me.
We all have days when we're unsatisfied with what we have. Some married people wish they were single some days, though not because of troubles or a lack of love. Some single people wish they were married, though not because they're not complete without someone else. We all need companionship right? I just think there's good in both situations and not everyone considers that because they look at what the others have and envy it.
So that was me, up on my soapbox apparently. If we could all just look to the Lord to complete us there wouldn't been any of this. Easier said then done. Darn humanistic ways of life.
On a completely different note, I'm really excited because I've been able to write some stuff for guitar this week. I'm also excited because my church is doing worship in the park this sunday... aka we're meeting at the park right down the street from my house for church. We're combining with the Lutheran and Baptist Church to make it a very ecumenical Sunday. Good stuff. Also this past week for youth group we went fishing on this gorgeous lake not to far from my house... it was so much fun. Who woulda ever thought I'd be goin finshing with my youth group? Not me, but they loved it and I'm glad because I love fishing. We're working on cleaning my basement up this coming week so that we can have our first skating party! We had youth group at the pool a couple weeks ago and that was very cool too. I just love it!
Welp, that's it for me... I've gotta finish baking these swirl cookies for Kayla because the poor little thing has a cold and then I'm gonna ride my bike to my famiy's house! Peace and love. (that was kinda hippy, I know)
Psalm 63:
"1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.

10 They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God's name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced."

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:8-9

Good Morning Baltimore!

2007-08-08T12:26:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I finally saw Hairspray and loved it, hense the title to this entry. Anyways so whats new? Well I've been so busy I haven't had more than an hour to myself at a time for the past few weeks. My college friends were here a couple weekends ago and that of course was a blast. We only have good times when we're together and I wish we could all hang out more often, but unfortunately real life takes over and it's not possible.
That same weekend my parents came back into to town to move the rest of their stuff up here. Well they closed on the new house and Liz, Terry, Vinny, Tony, and I started to move everything in the new house which included unloading the truck from AZ, loading it with the stuff stored in my garage, unloading that entire load at the new house, and then heading to Liz and Terry's to begin moving their stuff. So, that was all in one day. The next day we loaded and unloaded the truck a few more times. By the end of that day I was exhausted. Seriously didn't want to move a muscle. But then the unpacking and moving boxes around started up. I was so thankful that at the end of the day I could leave and come home to a nice, clean, unpacked house. I swear the next time I move is going to be the last, therefore I can't move until I get married! For real!
I had my first youth group last week and it went pretty well. The kids are searching and you can tell that they really need someone to guide them, so I'm excited that the Lord has given me the opportunity to do that. Let me tell ya, it's not on my own strength that I'm doing any of this because I am underqualified, but it just means that and success is the Lord's, you know? It's really a very cool thing. I just got done completing my first real lesson for tonight's youth group so I'm praying that it goes well. I think I'm even gonna play some guitar tonight so we can sing our praises. It's exciting!
My best friend Stacy is flying in from Florida tonight and I'm picking her up from the airport after youth group! I cannot wait to see this girl! We went to middle and high school together and she's always been an amazing friend and an encouragement in the Lord. Also, Michelle gets in at 1am tonight, so we won't see her til tomorrow, but I can't wait to see her either! We've been BFF since 4th grade and I love her! There's a group of 4 of us girls and we've all been BFF for forever... whenever one gets married it's a party because for one thing we're in each other's weddings, and another we never get to see each other. Well, I get to see Carley a lot actually because we still live in the area, but we don't get to see the other girls very often. It's non-stop laughter when we're together. I love these girls so much! I'm also really excited not only do we get to spend tons of time together, but we also get to see our other friends from school and church. There are going to be so many people here it's like a huge reunion. Our group from high school was huge and there are so many people that I'm looking forward to spending time with. We're a group that will always be there for one another no matter how much time has past since we've seen or spoken to each other. So mushy, but so true.
I hung out with Carley and Lindsey last night at BDubs (BWW) and we were talking about how it's amazing we've all stayed friends, yet we've all changed so much. That got me thinking about the ways that I've changed since I've come to know all of these people. I feel like growing up in Naperville we all came to have certain expectations of our parents, financially and not that we always took advantage of that, but we did want the best things we could get. I always had to have a new pair of shoes, new hair cut, new guitar, new clothes and I only wanted name brand things. Not that having the best of everything is bad, but now I think what's the point? I've changed a lot when it comes to things. I always picutred living in this huge house, and having lots of nice things to fill it up with because that's what I was used to, you know?
I've changed in other ways too, obviously, but it's really been hitting me that things that were once important to me, no longer are. Things like my car and where I live. Things like my clothes... I seriously love clearance racks these days. I have so many clothes that I have to keep buying new hangers, but it's because I get a ton for like a quarter of what I used to pay. I would never have bought something at Walmart unless it was like socks or something, but now a ton of my clothes are from there. I still buy jeans elsewhere, but you know how that is, you find jeans that fit you well and you stick with them. What I'm saying is that I'm much more simplistic than I was or thought I would ever be. I just don't need a new car, or a big house, or even a huge fancy wedding someday. not that having those things wouldn't be nice, but I don't NEED them, you know? I never needed them, but I sure did want them pretty badly. I've been in and seen so many different types of wedding ceremonies and they were each great for the person they were for. Some were simplistic... BBQ style, some elegant, some just plan fun! I don't know. I'm just kinda putting this out there if for nothing else than to remind myself.
We all have days when we want what others have and want money (like it's gonna solve everything), but I just want to glorify God in the things I do and I know I will be provided for. Nothing I accomplish is of me. I find my strength in the Lord.
Well, I've gotta clean this house for my friends and the bachelorette party! Congrats to Matt and Carley!

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:11

Ease on down the road

2007-07-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's almost been a month already, but that gives you an idea of how busy I've been! In brief, I got back from AZ (which was a good time with friends) and worked on getting settled into my house as soon as I could. I was able to finish painting, for the most part and got most everything set up within 2 or 3 days. I still don't have a dining room table and I'm still putting som pictures up, but it's home and I love it. Mom's been staying with me, but she's getting ready to go back to AZ in 2 days so it'll be interesting to finally live alone, alone. you know?
The 4th was pretty quiet this year... I went to an early BBQ celebrating a great friend's return from a year in France. Then I went home to a family BBQ and some fireworks.
The day after the 4th I went down to Indy and hung with Trent for a couple days. I got to see Transformers (loved it) and just chill. It was nice. Then I continued my journey to Blake and Emily's wedding by picking up Stephanie in southern Indiana and driving from there. We had a great road trip of course! I love Steph so much... always a blast with her. We got to Virginia kinda late, hung out with Blake and Peter for a few, then went to bed. The next day was the wedding so we ate, lounged by the pool, and got ready for the celebration. The wedding was beautiful and I'm so glad I was able to share in Blake and Em's special day. They are lovely. Steph and I left right after the wedding to drive through the night to Trent's. We got to his place at like 5:30am and crashed. Steph got up and her mom came to get her, then I got ready and headed home. A crazy busy weekend, but it was great.
So then last week I just worked on some stuff around my house, worked on stuff for the church, saw Harry Potter (obviously!), and left on Thursday for the weekend again. :) I got to spend time in MI with my BFF and also have my bridesmaids dress for Carley's wedding altered. We saw Harry Potter again and then License to Wed. I enjoyed both. I wanted to be back for church on Sunday so I came home Saturday. Once again it was an awesome weekend. It was really refreshing and I had tons of time relax and be with the Lord. I love long drives! Church was great and I had some great interactions with some youth. The Lord is moving!
So this week I'm working on planning for youth group, which is starting soon and getting another job. I've sent my resume to like 80 places... I've gotta get something! You'd think. Prayers are welcome. :)
Alright so onto the "serious" portion of my blog... if you can call it that :). No, but really I'm doing pretty well right now. And I attribute it all to the Lord. There have been plenty of things lately that could bring me down and I could could dwell upon, but I'm not and seriously it's not because of me. Everytime I've found myself getting frustrated or upset or whatever my phone will ring and it'll be someone with something great to say and some encouraging word from the Lord. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate my friends. Sometimes friends can bring such a refreshing calm... I love it. Such provision.
Well, I'm out for now... more to come soon. Much love, friends.

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." Titus 2:11-14

"Wise words are like deep waters; wisdom flows from the wise like a bubbling brook." Proverbs 18:4

crazy busy

2007-06-20T11:48:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! My life has been pretty nuts for a while and doesn't show signs of stopping, but here's a little update for you. VBS (vacation bible school) was last week an I was just asked to help with the jr high kids by singing during worship... not a big deal right? Wrong! I ended up leading the entire week, but it was awesome! I fell in love the with kids and had a blast with them! Down side of the week? I got a flat tire on my way to church early one morning... luckily I was able to get to my sister's house and take Terry's car for the day. He's graciously been letting me drive his car for a week now. So, my tire turned out to be more then just a flat... my entire rim is shot and there's a huge chunk missing from it. So not only do I have to get a new tire, but a new rim too! Rims are NOT cheap at all. The ones for my car run about $600-700 EACH. So my amazing friend, Greg who lives next door and fixes anything and everything on my car out of the goodness of his heart told me to go on eBay. Well we went on and he found me a rim for my car for about $120. I ordered it and it came in 1 day. Awesome. Nope! They sent me the wrong one. So right now I'm in the process of sending it back so they can send me the right one. This doesn't even include paying for a tire. Well, like I said Greg is awesome and he worked out a deal with the tire place to hook my up with all 4 tires for really cheap. So I'm getting all new tires for less then half the price I paid last time I got new ones. Chrishelle is a "sports" car, or so they say so she has some expensive specialty tires. Dang she's high maintainence!
On top of that stuff I've been trying to finish painting my house and get it all ready because my mom found me a cheap one way ticket to fly down there and drive a bunch of stuff back in a truck. Everything happened so fast with that and I had no idea I would be going to AZ this week, I thought it wasn't going to be until the end of july. Sadly my big, fun plans for this weekend had to be cancelled and I'm really bummed because now I don't get to see my bfffff until july. Darn being adults and having jobs (well, not me so much) :). But in spite of all of that I get to see some olds friends from AZ and spend time with them so I'm pretty excited about that. Not too excited about loading a huge truck in 108 degree weather, but we have some of my bro's friends helping out so that'll be good.
Other then little things like moving ACROSS the country , life has been good. The Lord remains my source of strength through the craziness. My ministry is already growing and I'm enjoying spending time with the kids at church. They're a fun group of kids. I'm really looking forward to being settled and spending more time with them. Also, I'm still looking for a job so please be praying about that. It'll be in perfect timing, I know! How amazing is His love for me!!
I'm really excited for Blake and Emily's Virginia wedding in two weekends. It's going to be a huge blast... especially with my bff, Stephanie coming!! Road trips with Beach are great!
Um, I'm really missing my friends right now, but I get to see everyone really soon... even Michelle and Stace for Carley's wedding! John and Ash and moving back from CA and Laura and Tripp will be back from their year in Taiwan, so there are fun days ahead! I'm excited to be back in fellowship with Ashley D., Carley, and Laura. I'm hoping we're going to be starting a bible study together soon!
I hope you're well. Be blessed today.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:12-13

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:16-18

bad day

2007-06-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

So, I woke up in a bad mood and that set the tone for my entire day. I hate being in a bad mood and I tried to change it, but thing after thing kept coming up and just really trying my patience. Waking up crabby is awful! (so is waking up at 6:30am wide awake for no reason!) I don't like being upset in general... there's just no point and nothing gets accomplished by it. I don't like to cry and it takes a lot to get me so upset that I do, but today I just felt broken and like I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. I'm thankful for that though. Like I said... what's the use? It's certainly okay to cry and I'm not saying that it's not, but for me, I just don't anymore.
There's a lot that's been going on in my head and in my heart and I suppose I just don't want to deal with it anymore. It hit me today.
How can you express your hurt and frustration if you're busy feeling overwhelmed and sorry for yourself? You simply cannot. And if you do there's a good chance it's coming out all whinny.
Hmmm... I guess I don't really know the point of this entry. Maybe just that today I was weak and let my emotions take control. One thing set me off and that set my entire day off. I chose to allow myself to be okay with that and in turn I had a crappy day. Was I still able to work, minister, and communicate? sure. It just coulda been better. The day could have been better. It was essentially my choice and today I was lazy.
Tomorrow is a new day, praise the Lord. :)

ps

2007-05-31T00:02:00.001-04:00

I got the job today! I'm officially a youth pastor.

warm weather, good friends!

2007-05-30T12:30:00.001-04:00

warm weather, good friends!
Update: Alexandria Marie is doing really well. She's a month old already! She's gorgeous and a happy baby for the most part. She's going to be much darker then Kayla is... at least thats what I'm thinking. I've enjoyed being around her so much and the rest of my family for that matter. It's nice to reconnect. I'm not going to lie, it's also been a little bit rough and anyone I've talked to in the last month or so knows what I mean. I just need to keep praying and be more patient.
So, I had a third meeting with the UM church and they loved me. I should be hearing within a week if I'm officially hired as their new youth pastor. In the meeting they also asked me if I would be willing to be heavily involved in helping with worship and I told them that I would, of course. I'm so excited right now. So nervous too. But, this is what God has for me right now so how can I be anything, but excited? Also, they gave me a tour of the parsonage after church on Sunday and it's so much more than I would eve need at this point in my life. It's a cute house and you can definitely tell it was built in the 60's. I'm really excited about the fact that it has a fireplace, but the best part of the whole place... the basement! It's pretty big and I'm pretty sure that if I get the job I'm not going to put anything down there and turn it into a skating rink. There's plenty of room to rollerblade down there!
So what else have I been up to? Not this past weekend, but the one of the 19th I hung out at Trent's new place for the weekend. I got to go to Emily's bachelorette party and then see Trent's new church. It was a good weekend. A break from the whole lot of nothing I've been doing otherwise! I also got to hang with my bff which was awesome.
This past week (and a half) I've been hanging out and trying to seriously get a second job. I met with Carley, bff from 5th grade, and we had an awesome time just talking and catching up a bit. She's been super busy with work and wedding plans and as we all know my life has been a bit crazy for a while now, so it was nice to just hang. I think I'm going to the youth group that Carley helps lead tonight which is really exciting. I'm trying to take everything in and get an idea of how I want things to work for my kids.
I've also talked to my old youth pastor because the church called her for my references and we're going to be hanging out soon and meeting with my second mom, Eileen Dudich. I'm sure I've talked about these women before, but they are just fantastic! Strong women of the Lord, mentors, and friends. They are just great sources of encouragment and I love meeting with them to pray and uplift one another!
It's finally warm out and I think it's gonna stay this way now and I'm really excited. I took Kayla to the pool yesterday and we had a blast. There are some sand volleyball courts by the pool too, so I believe this weekend is going to be all volleyball, all the time! I'm definitely not the best player, but I have so much fun. In college we used to play pretty much every night and hours on end... it was so great! The warmth also means playing cornhole everynight, riding 4 wheelers, camping, and just relaxing with great friends.
Other then all of those things, nothing else is going on. I hope that you are all well. Blessings friends!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray IN THE SPIRIT on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:10-18

A new addition and decisions!

2007-05-06T19:31:00.000-04:00

It's only been a couple of weeks, but a ton has happened! Where to begin?? Well the most exciting thing is that my sister had her baby this past Monday, April 30. Her name is Alexandria Marie and she is beautiful! She looks a lot like Terry and very much like Kayla did when she was born.

She was born at 12:49pm weighing 6lbs 13oz and she was 19in long. It's been fun already... Kayla (she's 2 1/2) gets to excited everytime Alex makes a sound. She says "that's my baby sister!" So cute.
My parents have been here for a week, so it's been pretty fun having the whole family around. My dad has to leave on tuesday to have surgery so that's kinda a bummer, but mom is staying through next week tuesday.
I'm still not really settled anywhere, but I will be soon. I'm still throwing around the idea of different jobs and such. Last time I wrote about the church that I had the initial interview with, well I got back in contact with the Pastor and we're meeting this tuesday to talk about the job a bit more, but she has already told me that she thinks I'm the one for the job and me getting back in contact was the Lord's confirmation for her. We'll see I suppose. I'm struggling because I had another job interview this past thursday and they offered me a job starting at about $38,000 a year, but the schedule is different from week to week, so the part time job at the church wouldn't really work out.
I'm struggling because everyone around me is telling me to take the retail job that pays well and has awesome benefits, but I know for sure that I'm called to ministry and until I can be quaranteed that I'll have Sundays off, I can't take another job. The church job is paying me by letting me live in the parsonage for free, so I'd have my own 3 bedroom, two bathroom, full kitchen, livingroom, two car garage house, but I still have other bills therefore I need another job. The Walgreens job is familiar and something I know that I could do and do well. I also think that Walgreens would be settling for me... I have a degree that cost a lot of money and technically I could work in the city at a big PR firm and make much more than walgreens will offer me, but that's not what I want.
I just have so many bills and loans and debts to pay off that the smart thing to do would be to take the walgreens job... smart to those people that don't understand what I want in life and what God wants from me... to those that don't understand that I don't need to make a ton of money to be happy. I will be provided for, that has been promised to me. I'm not worried about it, but I am also to be responsible, you know? Arg.
Well enough of that! No need to stress too much. Other than that I'm good. I'm missing some people a whole lot right now, but I'm trying not to be sad because it's an exciting time! God is doing some great things all around me. I am blessed by my friends near and far, so what's better than that? Prayers for my family are welcome... for souls. for the new baby as well!
Thanks friends!

“I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!” Philippians 3:7-11

Psalms and Patience

2007-04-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

I've got a lot in my head, but it's jumbled tonight. I'll do my best though for those that have asked for an update. PS since I just wrote last week, not much has happened.
I babysat a 9 year old all last week and it was pretty entertaining. She had so much energy, it's insane. The only day we weren't outside running around I was inside cleaning and such... anyways the week flew by. Trent came on thursday night and hung out til today which was fun, but that's all thats really been going on.
The sermon at church was awesome this morning and I think I'm gonna get it on cd. The title was "why do you believe" and he talked about seeing and believing and how we need to work towards being at a place where we believe therefore we begin to see. We need to move from believing because we see, or seeing because we believe. I'm not going to be able to do it any justice here, so I'll stop, but ask me about it some time and I'll try to tell you what I learned. Pastor Steve is just great.
After church I went and saw the movie Disturbia... overall it was a good movie. Kinda slow for the first 30 minutes, but it was super intense after that. I wouldn't say it was a scary movie though, more suspense/thriller. The kid thats in the movie got his start on the Disney Channel, but surprisingly he did a great job. I think he's gonna do well for himself.
Let's see... I just started reading a book that Trent gave me to borrow called Just Give Me Jesus by Anne Graham Lotz. I'm not very far into it, but I'm realliy liking it so far. It's about our Savior's life as recorded by the Apostle John. It takes you through eye witness accounts of His life and relates them to issues that we face today. I think the title says it all... Just Give Me Jesus. I'm excited to see what I learn from this book... especially since I've always favored John's Gospel and I just got done reading through it again.
So anyways. I started reading through the Psalms today and I planned on just reading a few, but I read through 33 of them because I just couldn't stop. See, my heart's been real heavy with lots of stuff lately and David captured a lot of what I've been thinking and he brought it full circle with his attitude of praise. It's been easy for me to sulk in my persecution and lay wounded, but that's not what the Psalms promote. I don't know. It's ok to lament, but not to wallow in it. David's words about the Lord come back to lifting Him up. And praising through the storm.
I'm frustrated right now. How do I explain without laying my whole life out for the world to read? Hmmm... well something you should know about me if you don't already is that I have a very active thought life... my mind is always swirling and racing with thoughts and ideas, and problems and solutions.
I have a desire to reach the wounded and the hurting. I'm called to work with youth. With kids who have emotional problems or behavioral problems. or with kids who "don't have any problems". I'm called to use my talents and skills to reach the youth whether it be through music, or just my ability to sit and listen and guide. I guess my communication skills may come in handy after all. :) I'm frustrated though because I'm not sure what this means for my life. I've turned down a youth pastor job already because I didn't have confirmation from the Lord, actually it was far from it. It wasn't the right time to work there in that particular church and thats fine. I've been in contact with another church, I've met with the pastor for an initial interview. since then we've been communicating by email which is not my favorite thing... I'd rather talk on the phone. But nothing seems to be moving forward. My desire is to serve the Lord in whatever way He wants. I just want to do that. I'm like a child in that way I guess. I just need to continue to be patient and continue to work and grow in my own life and relationship with God while I wait.
That's the hardest thing for me. Like, there's so many things I desire from this life, like marriage, missions, and other HUGE things, but I've just gotta wait. Patience is a challenge when you think you're ready to move forward. It's a challenge when you think you know what you want. When your desire is God's desire for you it's much easier. That is my desire.
So, this was going to be short and sweet, but oops... I'm long winded right now. :) Be blessed this week.

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 17:6-8

a little add on

2007-04-07T00:44:00.000-04:00

I went to the Good Friday service tonight which was awesome because I didn't think I'd be able to, and it was incredible. It was so simplistic, but you couldn't help have all your attention on Jesus. We just read through the death of Christ in Matthew and sang like 6 or 7 hymns... but I love singing hymns. It's one of my favorite things to do during a church service. They're just so simple and the focus isn't on how it sounds at all. I've talked before about worship and stuff and I really do love contemporary worship, but there's something about a good old hymn. I just love it.

On top of a wonderful service I had a chance to meet with my bff, Carley and she's always encouraging to be around. We've been bff since 5th grade, so we go way back and I just love her to death. She's such a rock, because God gives the faith and belief. Beautiful.

That's it. Be encouraged.

New life

2007-04-06T14:40:00.000-04:00

Hola friends. I hope you are all blessed and doing well these days! So here's a quick update of the past few weeks for you guys... sorry for those of you that read this to stay up to date, I know I've been a slacker, but again I haven't been in the writing mood.
Last time I wrote that the new baby will be here on May 2nd, well yesterday they moved her up again and she will make her debut on April 30th! I just can't wait! Other than that news nothing is new with me really. Like last time, I've seen a few new movies (including TMNT, Blades of Glory, and Shooter) and they were all entertaining. Shooter was really good though, and no, not just because Mark Walhberg is in it!
I was on spring break a couple of weeks ago, so I spent some time Illinois hanging with family and friends. I went fishing with my brother and we rode some 4 wheelers. It was cool just to hang out. Then Trent came again that thursday through saturday because he had an interview, so that was fun times. Then I had to go back up to IL for my sister's baby shower which was a good time of course.
Since then I've been working again, finally. I've also started packing up my stuff and getting ready for the move. My room is so sad right now. All my pictures, candles, and decorations are gone. We just went through the movies and divided them up. We also went through all our pictures to ensure we had copies of each other's pics. It's just been really sad. I've been really sad. But it'll all be ok... and I'm REALLY excited to see what God has for me. There's a possibility of a trip to Russia which is exciting. There's just so much I can do right now, so we'll see!
I'm excited that it's Easter weekend. I love this time of year. It's such a triumphant time! God knew what He was doing when He conquered death through Jesus in the spring time... I just think it's beautiful. The weather might not reflect new life right now (stupid cold coming back!), but that's what spring brings... new life, just as Jesus brought life. Very simple, but so amazing, yeah?
If you would, please be praying for a smooth move and just that opportunities would be presented in the job search. Thanks so much!
I hope you have a great Easter and get to spend time with your families. I can't wait for Kayla to do the Easter egg hunt with my dad's side of the family this year... she's finally old enough to contend on her own. All of my cousin's kids are older than she is, so she always gets shafted... not this year, I'm gonna show her how to do it! Only pick up the eggs that don't rattle, go for the ones that feel empty, that's where the money is! Nice, I know.
Oh, sidebar, I just remembered...I'm going to a memorial service for my Uncle's father (obvouisly not my grandfather) today, so pray for healing for his family. He suffered for a long time, so it's good that he's at rest now, but that doesn't make it easier on their family, you know?
Let me know how I can uplift you right now. Blessings!

"This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10b

Worship everywhere!

2007-03-20T15:48:00.000-04:00

So I've been reading through the Gospel of John in the last few days and I always forget how much I love the way John writes and explains things. He gets to the point without neglecting anything Jesus said or did. Anyways John tells us that when Jesus met the woman at the well He talked to her about worship and it's place a little bit. As I was reading through this story that I've read so many times something popped up for me.
We go to church on Sunday and worship God. We sometimes go to church on Wednesday to worship God as well. But how many times during the week do you actually take the time to worship the Lord? I'm not just talking about singing some songs, I'm talking about being in CONSTANT communication with the Lord. Why is it so easy for us to sing on Sunday or Wednesday and be content with that being our only worship? Worship is so much more than a few well-crafted words and notes on a page.
In all that we do we are called to worship the Lord. Every act should somehow glorify God. The glory He gets... that's our worship of Him.
Now, the Samaritan woman is talking about an actual physical place, Mount Gerizim, to worship, but Jesus proceeds to tell her that a time is coming and is here when it won't matter WHERE you worship the Lord. He tells her that it's HOW you worship Him, in spirit and in truth. In spirit and truth. This is huge... and it's hard sometimes. Every word we say and everything we do can be an act of worship. Worshipping in truth is what gets people a lot of the time too. In churches, it becomes a performance, so in our hearts we receive the glory because we're doing it for ourselves, not for the glory of God. To truly be 100% percent worshipping the Lord we have to lay everything else aside. This is a daily task too... laying down your life daily. Being a "Christian" doesn't mean going to church one day a week, or when it's going to impress someone, it means living completely surrendered to Jesus. Worship is similar in that way.
Let's go back to constant communication with the Lord. For me, it's an all day convo with a best friend type of thing. Letting Him know (what He already knows) what's going on at that exact moment in my day, being angry at Him, or upset, or rejoicing and laughing. It all sounds so amatuer and it is. Constant communication with the Lord changes the way you act, think, and do.
I hope this is making sense. In a lot of ways this is stuff we already "know", but are we doing it everyday? It's sounds so easy and it can be, there's no need to make life more complicated that it already is. This also sounds so simplistic and happy like a warm spring day, but it's much more then that. It's so much deeper than I'm letting on, I suppose. Deeper doesn't mean complicated though.
I hope that you find yourself in constant communication with the Father this week. I hope that you take an attitude of worship into your everyday lives.
On a completely different note... my sister, Liz, just found out that her new baby, Alexandria Marie with be born by C-section on May 2! I can't wait!! This time I won't be 4 hours away and dying to see my new niece. :)
I don't think much else is new though. I've seen a couple of decent movies lately, I got to hang with Beach, Trent was here, I got to hang with some extended family recently too.
Ah, I've had a headache for 3 weeks now and it's kinda kicking my butt. I've only had one day in those 3 weeks when it was gone. Before you start telling me I need to go to a doctor, number 1... I don't have insurance and number 2... I know it's stress related. This whole moving thing along with trying to find a job and not wanting to say goodbye to people is weighing me down a bit. But I'll be good! and life will be good and move on, so prayers are welcome, but no worries folks!
I've also been hanging out with Becky Keller, old youth pastor, mentor, and friend and it's been great. She's so uplifting to be around and she's so faithful in her friendship to me. I highly recommend being in a relationship of this type with someone because we all could use spiritual guidance at some point, right? Everything seems so much easier when you surround yourself with those who love the Lord.
Wow, this is long, but you know you loved it! Be blessed. Lata!

so much

2007-03-05T15:36:00.000-05:00

When I last left you I had just gotten back from Vegas with the fam. Well a ton of stuff has happened since then, so much I can't put it all on here because lets face it... I'm not all about blogging these days.
February flew by. The girls from college came to visit for a weekend and it was awesome as always. Carley is engaged and will be married to Matt on August 12th this year, so I've gotta start saving money for my dress and everything else that comes with being in a wedding. I'm really excited. The dresses she chose are gorgeous. V-day was welcomed by a blizzard-type storm and we got about 14 inches of snow... needless to say I had a snow week that week! It was kinda nice, minus the whole not making any money thing.
The Monday after v-day I flew to Phoenix to drive back here with my brother. He decided to move here on the drop of a dime which is crazy. He's living with my sister and Terry now... maybe he'll grow up now that he's away from my parents. He already has two jobs so he's already doing better than he was in AZ. My parents were in town from Feb 23rd through the 26th picking out final colors and such for the new house. It was nice to spend time with them, even though I had just seen them on monday of that week.
Other then that I've been working and job hunting. Since my bro lives with Liz and Terry now I'm not gonna move in there, so I'll be staying with my Aunt until we're ready to move into the other house. It'll be good. My extended family is great. I'm still in talks with the United Methodist Church in Plano, so we'll see what happens there. I've been spending a lot of time at Wheatland Salem UMC (my home church) and it's been awesome being with the people there. I never feel more at home in a church setting than I do there. I love it.
Like I talked about in a previous post I'm not good at dealing with all this change, yet change is what I desire most. Make sense? I'm reading a book right now and it's made me realize how tiny I am by myself, but I can do some really huge stuff for the Lord. I can do that. And I'm ready to do that. It's such a cool time for me (aside from the fact I have no money) because I can do anything I want to and go anywhere I want to. I'm not just looking for a new job in IL... I'm looking everywhere. I'll go anywhere. I guess I'm just waiting on the Lord to make it clear. We'll see! How exciting though, yeah?
Well that's it for now. Hope all is well with you. :)

Wesleyan/Methodist influence... go figure.

2007-02-11T23:44:00.000-05:00

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

71%

Fundamentalist

61%

Neo orthodox

57%

Emergent/Postmodern

54%

Reformed Evangelical

50%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

46%

Classical Liberal

43%

Roman Catholic

36%

Modern Liberal

11%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Lots of stuff

2007-01-31T16:36:00.000-05:00

Welcome back. It's been a while, but life has still been fairly uneventful. I just got back from my weekend in Las Vegas with the whole family. It was so funny to watch my brother, not knowing what to do or how to act at the casinos. Not that I'm a gambler, but it was funny. He was glad that we were there and as always we had a good time. We took a gondola ride which was awesome... I didn't actually get to go to Venice when I was in Italy, so the Venetian hotel will have to do for now. Our Gondolier really sang to us and spoke with an Italian accent... how realistic it was is in question, but it was cute. Of course I didn't get much sleep and we took a red-eye flight home, so I've been trying to get back to normal here.
Teaching is going well and I still like it, but I'm definitely ready for a change. I have an interview this Sunday (I know! SuperBowl Sunday, of all sundays!) at a UM Church. They're looking for a youth pastor and sound pretty interested in me. I'm excited. Yes, I already turned down a church job, but I know that's not where God needed me just then, so we'll see about this one. Ultimately I'd like to work in my church, but we'll see how everything goes.
I'm very much interested in traveling and going to different places, so I'm thinking about trying to get a job as a mission's coordinator or something like that. Mexico and South America are really intriguing and I'd love to go to Africa, so I'm hoping I can find something that will allow that. Part of my heart still lies in Italy and I know that there is a need for ministry over there too, so I'm not forgetting about that possibilty either. Who knows! I'm up for anything at this point!
My time here is quickly drawing to a close and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm ready to not be bored or as lonely, but I'm not ready to leave my best friend (BFF!) :), and I'm not ready to fully admit that I'm in the real world now and I have to act like it. It's been easy to stick around here because I have such strong ties here, to this place, but I've gotta move on... I suppose. I have tons of reservations and I also have tons of opportunities and stuff to look forward to. I go back and forth everyday about how I feel really. There's kinda a sadness hanging over me right now and I can attribute much of it to this dilema and season of change. There's a beauty in it though...
There's a beauty in living in a place and calling it home. There's beauty in finding the Lord in the small places you've grown accustomed to. There's a beauty in the need for more too. He's so good and so sovereign. There's a beauty in knowing that I can do NOTHING on my own and I must depend on the Lord no matter how independent I think I am or try to be. He's beautiful. So who knows what tomorrow or next week holds, or next month or next year holds... I'm just going to be doing my best to do the work God has for me. There's so much hope in His promise and faithfulness. :)
That just kinda all came flooding out, but onto lighter things...
My dad is doing pretty well from his surgery. Everything seems to be doing what it was supposed to do. My brother is not doing so well in the "making good choices" department, so you can be praying for him. My sister is almost 6 months pregnant now and so far Alexandria Marie (we share the same middle name!) is very healthy. She likes to play soccer with Liz's bladder and kidneys though! Also, for spring break I can either go to Florida and see Stacy and Jeff or go to Arizona. I can't decide, so hopefully the cost of the plane ticket will decide for me. Maybe neither of those places... if you've got any suggestions let me know! Good news, I'm finally healthy after about 3 weeks of ears infections so that's exciting! Wow, TMI I'm sure.
Last I have to say GO BEARS!!! It's going to be a good game, but I think we've got it in the bag. Peyton Manning is annoying and his offensive line is going to crumble under the Bears' defense! I'm also pretty excited about the funny commercials!
I hope all is well in your lives... please let me know how I can be praying for you!

a lot of nothing

2007-01-09T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm not really inspired and I don't have anything of importance to say, but at the request of a reader, I"m updating. Life has gotten back to normal here. I'm working a lot and hanging out with friends. Last friday I woke up with a sore throat and a fever and it's gotten progressively worse since then. For the first time in my life I've completely lost my voice. I sound pitiful right now. I finally decided to go to a doctor this morning because I was in so much pain last night. Turns out both my ears are infected and I have a sinus infection. So much for not getting sick this winter. Needlesstosay I've been at home for the past 2 days sleeping, watching movies, and reading. We have about 200 dvds in this house and I still struggle to find something to watch... that's pretty sad.
I've been applying for jobs again. It's time to get some health insurance. no one really offers short-term insurance, so I may have to just wait til I move.
My dad had surgery yesterday and it went well. He's feeling really good so far so we're just kinda waiting to see what the long term results are going to be.
So anyways. That's it really. Nothing exciting, nothing new. I'm looking forward to feeling better and seeing my family at the end of the month for Vinny's 21st. Happy b-day to Stacy tomorrow and Michaela on thursday.
I hope you all had a great new year. be blessed.

please be kind

2006-12-29T10:32:00.000-05:00

I love Christmas time. My Christmas was great and this week has been nothing but goodtimes. I'm still really looking forward to my b-day tomorrow and new years eve. We're gonna have so much fun!
So not too much has really gone on. I've been hanging out with friends. I went on a date with this guy, Gene. I've been spending a ton of time with my family and just relaxin. I simply cannot wait until they are up here for good.
I gave my dad a copy of the song I wrote and recorded for him and he loved it. I even designed the cd cover... my P.R. skills finally came in handy for something! My cousins, aunts, and uncles all cried like little girls... it was so cute. (I'm not gonna put the song up on here like everyone else who has recorded a song. Chances are if we're good friends you've heard it already and if not I'll let you hear it when I see you.)
I've been spending a good amount of time up at my church and I've found out some super exciting news that I can't quite put on here just yet, but you can be praying our church and some positive changes that may be coming soon.
I'm about to make myself more vulnerable then I like... please be kind!
So... in my last blog entry I talked about being settled and being pressured to be settled and I wanted to come back to that real quick. I have been in prayer about that whole issue for a really long time now and I've never got much of a response. It's been real easy for me to be angry with the Lord because I'm like a whiny kid who just wants something right NOW. But I don't think I've been approaching the situation as I should have been. See, God promises to give us the desires of our hearts. That's made clear, that's absolute. (desires of the heart aren't just wants, by the way. I can explain the difference to you, just ask...or even better pick up your bible and see what the Lord says) So if the desire of my heart is to be settled then I'm gonna be settled. BUT I have other desires of the heart and they don't coincide with being settled just yet. So all this time I've spent feeling sorry for myself or trying to make stuff happen has been wasted. God has PROMISED me the desires of my heart. Who am I to be so impatient and demanding?
I hate coming to conlusions like this because for one thing I feel sheepish for acting a fool, and another, I don't like to just give up on things. If you know me at all you know I'm super persistent; it's both a good and a bad thing. Anyways this doesn't have much of a point other than to say that I feel a little more free than I have in a long time. The pressure is slowly coming off and I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to just live without feeling like I have to make something happen.
I should be enjoying where I'm at in life and enjoying my friends and not putting any pressure on myself or anyone else for that matter. Psalm 37 is beautiful and I reccommend reading it. Actually I'll put it here for you.

Psalm 37, a psalm od David
1 Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.

15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;

17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.

18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.

19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

20 But the wicked will perish:
The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,
they will vanish—vanish like smoke.

21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;

22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be cut off.

23 If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;

24 though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.

26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.

27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.

28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever,
but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;

29 the righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.

30 The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks what is just.

31 The law of his God is in his heart;
his feet do not slip.

32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
seeking their very lives;

33 but the LORD will not leave them in their power
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

34 Wait for the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a green tree in its native soil,

36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.

37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
there is a future for the man of peace.

38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
the future of the wicked will be cut off.

39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

So anways, that's that I suppose.
In other news... Liz (my sis) is having another girl. We just found out yesterday. We were all hoping for a boy, but baby girl is healthy and that's all we can ask for since Kayla had so many complications. They're thinking about naming her Alexandria and calling her Alex. She's gonna be so beautiful.
Kayla is just like me... and she had to get ear tubes put in this morning. We have the same ENT so when I went with to the doctor he checked my ears for me for free, which was awesome. Good news... I've been ear infection free for almost a year and I don't even have tubes anymore! That's exciting. :)
TMI, I'm sure. Well I hope you all have a happy new year! Make good choices on New Years eve!

AZ, IL, IN, OH, and back to IN!!

2006-12-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

How ya'll doing? It's been a while since I've talked about my life so here ya go...
I was in AZ over Thanksgiving. I helped my parents move into their new house. It was a good time, minus the whole muscles killing me thing. My brother, Vinny and I got to go to an NFL game which was exciting!
When I got back from that I stayed up in IL through Dec. 4th or so.
Since I've been back here I've been working and keeping pretty busy. This past weekend I went to Trent's place in Ohio and hung out. I just got back from that on Monday night. For his b-day I got him concert tickets for Bill Gaither, so saturday we did that and some Christmas shopping up in Columbus. It was good times. I got to meet his family and a few friends too. His niece's are so freaking cute.
So now I"m back to work and life in Indiana. Everything is good these days. I'm really looking forward to my parents coming up this year for Christmas! AND Michelle (bff who I haven't seen since June) will be in town, so it'll be awesome to see her and hang out with other high school friends. John and Ashley will be in town. It's bound to be fun! Then for my B-DAY I'm having some fun VIPs come in to hang out and go out for dinner. New Years Eve whoever comes for my b-day will be staying and coming downtown. I'm excited. I've never done anything really cool on New Years and since I'm not a partier I don't like to go to huge parties where everyone is drunk, so fireworks at Navy Pier will be cool.
So anways that's what's been going on with me for the past month or so. Life is good. It's moving quickly, but I think I'm content. I have a job possibilty at a church in Illinois. We'll see how that goes. I've still been looking for jobs and praying hard-core about where I can best be used. I'm looking forward to knowing that sometime. It's so easy to get in a rut and be complacent about things, but I just gotta keep moving forward.
I see lots of people around me who are settled in with families and jobs and are set in their lives. Somedays I think that is the best place you can be, BUT somedays I have no interest in that at all. I could see myself moving somewhere just to move and learn another culture. I don't want to feel like I have to settle like everyone else. I want to be adventurous and have fun and do it all for the glory of God. It's hard to always want that though... you know? Especially when some of the most important people in my life are only encouraging me to be settled. I'm not like my sister with one kid and one on the way. Or my cousins who all have families of their own. I'm not even like my brother who is just working to live. I don't want to work to live. I want to work to make a difference in other people's lives. (Cliche? Maybe a little.) Maybe that means sharing that with someone else and maybe it means moving to a remote city in Mexico by myself. I'd like to think I can do anything I want with whoever I want or don't want.
This is coming out all anti-family and like I don't want to settle ever, but that's not what I mean at all. I could get married and do the same things. I just like the thought of options and going where ever the Lord leads me. I've been the kind of person who lives my life for others for so long that this seems foriegn for me, I know. I'm so scatterbrained and back and forth a lot too. Maybe tomorrow I'll be okay with moving back to IL and living with my family for a while. Maybe tomorrow I'll know what I'm to do with the rest of my life. You can't live on a maybe though. Everyday you live for yourself, is one less day you live for the Lord. If I'm not living everyday for the glory of the Lord, what am I living for?
This was definitely not the direction I thought this blog was going today, but you'll have that I suppose. There's always a lot going on in my head and this is what's on my mind today.

a little P.S. my high school is going though a rough time right now. A couple of very influential teachers and coaches have passed on just in the last few months. please by praying for them and the school.

Change: Good or Bad?

2006-11-30T16:40:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how things change so quickly? Sometimes things change without anyone ever noticing. Bad change seems to come in an overwhelming wave... and by the time it crashes on the shore there's nothing you can do. Good change is more difficult for us to acheive though. Doesn't it seem like anytime you want to make a change you do it, it goes well for a week, and then it's over? They say it takes 21 days to make something habitual. Why is it that we can allow "bad" change to happend so quickly, but when its the other way around, it's so hard?
Like for me recently, some stuff has happened and some things have changed and I don't think it's for the better, but what do I know in my tiny human mind? God is so much bigger than me, and bigger than the things that I want to or don't want to change. From here I could open up the arguement of want and need, but that's not what this is about right now.
This is about things around me changing and me not liking it. Also, things around me not changing and me not liking it. Change is a double-edged sword for me. I think it is for most people though. I think that it is easy to get comfortable with something or someone and when something comes up and things change it's hard. I'd love to hear what you think.

Searching for God Knows What

2006-11-16T14:00:00.001-05:00

"Imagine, and Being with a mind as great as God's, with feet like trees and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation. It's kind of exciting if you think about it. Earthly love, is temporal and slight so that it has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them. Perhaps this is what the apostles stumbled upon." --Donald Miller from his book, Searching for God Knows What.

I think this is beautiful. A lot of you have read Blue Like Jazz, so you know his writing style. He's very real and down to earth, but in a lovely sort of way. I'm only about half way through the book, but I love it. There's a chapter about Adam and Eve that's so beautiful it left me speechless. ( I know! I'm not quiet very often!) Anywho, I really want to recommend it to you. It's really short, only about 230 pages long.
It's not one of those "life changing" books that people so often look to find, but it's definitely worth the time. I find Miller to be thought-provoking. You're welcome to borrow mine when I'm done.
Here's one last passage for your reading pleasure.
"Considering this couple, and what Adam went through to appreciate Eve to the utmost, I wondered at how beautiful it is that you and I were created to need each other. The romantic need is just the beginning, because we need our families and we need our friends. In this way, we are made in God's image. Certainly God does not need people in the way you and I do, but He feels a joy at being loved, and He feels a joy at delivering love. It is a striking thought to realize that, in paradise, a human is incomplete without a host of other people. We are relational indeed. And this book, the Bible, with all its understanding of the relational needs of humans, was becoming more meaningful to me as I turned the pages. God made me. He knows me, He understands me, and He wants community."

Have a great day.

Balloons!

2006-11-14T12:41:00.000-05:00

Where to begin?? Um, well this past weekend was Kayla's second birthday party and it was a blast. Funny story about it... Liz and I bought a helium tank and blew up balloons after she went to bed friday night. Saturday morning I woke up to Kayla screaming, "balloons?! Yay! Balloons!!" It was the cutest thing ever. But anyways it went really well and there were a ton of people there. Even my mom's brother came... which was totally shocking. (He's a jerk. I've seen him twice in the past 3 years and that's only been at funerals.) I got to spend time with my cousins which I always love! I came back here pretty early on sunday because I had to get up real early for work on monday.
This week I'm subbing all week, so it's good. This weekend Trent is coming and then I'm leaving for Phoenix on Sunday. When I get back from AZ I'm taking Trent to a Bill Gaither concert for his birthday. Why Bill Gaither? I couldn't tell you, but he loves it so why not? It'll be fun for sure! Meghan has asked me to put some song lyrics she wrote to music, so I'm working on that when I have time.
What else has happened. Uh, oh yes. I recorded my song for my dad and am really excited about the way it turned out. I think I may go back and add some more harmony, but other than that, its done. It was so much fun. Ben is awesome and was very patient with my lack of experience. He was able to add a really beautiful second guitar part and I love it. Now I'm really looking forward to just giving it to my dad. I don't wanna wait til Christmas, but I will I suppose.
Other then that I don't think anything big has been going on. God is doing some cool things and is really working, no surprise there. I don't have a verse right now, but I hope that something encouraging come your way today. Cool story... before I recorded I wasn't feeling very well. Like, I could feel that I was about to get a cold. So I prayed that I would be able to record and do this without any problems. I prayed that my health would hold out just long enough to get it done. It did and I kid you not, literally 5-10 minutes after I got in my car leaving Ben's house I started sneezing. And I mean like really sneezing. I definitly got sick right after I was done recording. I thought it was cool. I was actually kinda glad to be sick because it was a reminder of God's faithfulness and blessings on my life. Sounds a little hoakie (sp?) but it's true.

Well here is a picture of Kayla from her party. I hope you're having a great week!

My life... in list form

2006-11-02T14:20:00.000-05:00

A couple things...
1. I went to see the Broadway version of RENT last weekend and it was amazing. There's no other way to describe it. Sitting outside in the cold on the freezing concrete for 9 hours was totally worth it. I was very impressed!
2. I'm heading into the recording studio to lay down a song that I wrote for my dad during my junior year of high school. It's very simplistic, but I know he'll love it. I'm gonna add some harmony and hopefully my friend, John Dudich will be able to add a cool guitar part to what I already have. I sang it and played it for him on Father's Day the year I wrote it, so I'm really excited to make it sound better! My friend Ben will be adding drums, maybe some piano, and mixing it for me. Ben has the studio in his house, so it's perfect.
3. I'm a little TO'd because I've been "getting sick" for about a week now. You know how you feel right before you get a full blown cold? That's how I've been feeling and I wish it would just come so that it would leave! (hopefully it doesn't come when I have to record. that'd sound awful!)
4. I'm going home for thanksgiving, as in AZ and I'm actually kinda excited about it. I wasn't at first because I'm missing some things back here, but it'll be good. I'll be helping my parents move into their new house... finally.
5. In case you haven't talked to me in the last two weeks... my parents are moving back up to IL!! After 8 years of being in AZ they've decided to build a new house out in Plano. They're going to keep the house they have in AZ so that when the weather is too bad for my dad to be up here, he has somewhere to go. I'm so freakin excited about it, I can't even describe it!
6. God has continued to be faithful and amazing. What else can you expect though? This is not to say that life is perfect because again, if you've talked to me in the past couple of weeks you know that it hasn't been. Satan has been working overtime to break me down, but God has been strengthening me and preparing me, so I'm handling it to the best of my ability. Prayers are welcome. (strength, peace, patience, discernment)
7. I've been kind of amazed lately by other people. There have been a few times when I'm thinking something and someone else actually has the guts to say it, or write it out for others to see. It's interesting.
8. " If you tell the truth- you don't have to remember what you said." This is from a poster in a classroom I taught in a couple of weeks ago.
9. Subbing is still going well... not as well as it is for Trent, but maybe if I move to Ohio it'll be better. (He's making quite a bit more money than I am for doing the same darn thing)
10. I'm thinking about going back and getting my teaching degree because I only need a few more classes to complete it.
11. My b-day is in less than two months. Better get shopping!
12. Kayla is turning 2 in exactly one week! Whoa!
13. 2 Cornithians 4:17 and 18 says: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
So that's about it for me. See you cats on the flip side.

Galatians 6:2

2006-10-24T23:52:00.000-04:00

I went out tonight. I don't normally just up and leave, but tonight I did. I had to. So, when I was out I was going over some stuff in my head and trying to convince myself of some things and trying to understand some things. I'm never going to understand some things though. I think it's good... It's good to not understand things and it's good to not have complete control because if we think we have complete control does that leave room for the Creator to be that to the created? Probably not.
So as I was driving and making some stops the radio station I was listening to gave the verse of the day. Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." You fulfill the law of Christ. That's huge, is it not? We MUST carry each other's burdens. Think about the people who surround you... go through and think about each person. Is there someone with a burden that they shouldn't be carrying on their own? Help them!
The first 10 verses of this chapter in Galatians are about doing good to all. We need more of this in our lives. We need to be uplifted more, we need to be encouraged more, we need to stop making ourselves our top priority all the time. I'm not implying that you need not take an interest in your own life or look out for yourself... I don't mean that at all. We just need each other. We need to live our own lives and do our own things. What's more is we need God.
Needing others does not make you weak. Does needing God make you weak? Does needing Jesus to cover my sins make me weak? Quite the opposite. Here are the 10 verses I'm referring to...
"1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load.
6Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.
7Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Breathless

2006-10-22T14:20:00.001-04:00

This is a song by Corinne Bailey Rae off of her self-titled debut album.

Breathless

Seems like everyone else has a love just for them,
I dont mind, we have such a good time,
My best friend, but sometimes, well,
I wish we could be more than friends,
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
oh..

I get so breathless, when you call my name,
I've often wonderd, do you feel the same?
There's a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
When we're all alone,
So don't tell me
You can't see
What im thinking of.

I can understand that you don't want to cross the line,
and you know i can't promise you things,
will turn out fine,
But i have to be honest, I want you to be mine
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
oh...

I get so breathless, when you call my name,
I've often wonderd, do you feel the same?
There's a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
When we're all alone,
So don't tell me
You can't see
Oh!

Cause ive tried to do this right in your own time
I've been telling you with my eyes, my heart's on fire,
Why dont you realise?
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
I get so breathless...

VIP??

2006-10-19T19:26:00.000-04:00

Not much is new in my life and this week has been pretty much the same as every other. I subbed a lot and it was good. Again I had a few bad kids, but you'll have that. Lots of exciting things are happening to lots of people around so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before something exciting happens to me. At least I hope. :)
Well, there is one thing that's exciting and that's the Lord. The amount of little uplifting, encouraging events has sky-rocketed this week and I'm loving it. It seems like everyday God has done something to remind me of his sovreignty and grace. Through kids and other teachers and especially through some good friends.
I'd like to just pause for a moment and say that I love my friends and they've been really great lately with all the craziness that seems to surround my life sometimes.
Now back to normal things. So anways, there's not much to else to put. I'm busy for the next 15 weekends or so, which is insane! Lots of parties, holidays, and other events coming up... including my birthday!! Which (for those of you who have NEVER met me) is on Dec. 30th! Now I know you're thinking it's quite a while a way, but you're wrong. It's gonna be here before you know it, so consider this you're reminder... unless of course you're a VIP in which case you'll be getting email very shortly reguarding the occassion.
I'm going home this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. lots of people to see and things to take care of. good times. Ciao

merry christmas

2006-10-11T23:23:00.000-04:00

Middle school, 4th grade, 5th grade...
So far these are the kids I've subbed for. First let me just say that I LOVE subbing! I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do, but it's so fun for me! Now don't get me wrong... some of these kids are bad. Some of these kids make me wanna meet them after school by the oak tree if you know what I mean. BUT in spite of the few problem kids, it's great. I've decided I'm not too fond of 6th graders though I do feel bad for them. Its such an awkward age. Today I had a class of 5th graders and I loved it. They are an interesting group of people. I think I like it because I can remember sitting there being so excited about having a sub and thinking that they weren't going to know what they were doing. I remember passing notes and asking to go to the bathroom like 8 times during the day. I remember things I said to my friends about subs. AND sometimes, just sometimes I remember having a "cool" sub that we walked all over. I'm proud to be a mixture of cool and stern. Like today... I had to send 3 kids to the office, but those who were actually doing their work and being respectful had a fun end of the day playing games. Can I just say that "heads up, 7-up" is probably more fun for the teacher than you could have ever imagined. I wanted to play right along with them so bad!! Remember playing "around the world"? Also a very good time.
Anyway, all that to say I love subbing so far. The calls at 6:30am aren't as fun (especially when you go to bed at 3), but I'm finally making some money so I'm dealing with it.
How 'bout this weather?? I'm loving it! (I'm so old... who talks about the weather?) But seriously it's beautiful and the trees are beautiful. not really looking forward to the snow we're supposed to get on friday, but it's Indiana what can I expect?
So the church job... it's mine if I want it. I'm actually not going to take it which is probably a shock to most of you, but feel free to give me a call and ask why.
I carved more pumpkins today! We actually went back to the orchard that trent and I got our apples and pumpkins from. My newer pumpkin is pretty rockin if I do say so myself... and I do. Here's a picture of it...

Yeah, be amazed!
Teaching has been keeping me pretty busy which has been a huge blessing. Let me tell you, not having a job for almost 6 months gets real old. I actually look forward to the weekends now because it differs from the week. Whoa, what a concept. This weekend either trent is coming or I'm heading up to naperville. Either way its gonna be a good time, thats for sure. If you know me at all you know I love Christmas music. And if you know me at all you know I love Third Day. What this means is that Tuesday was a great day for me because the Third Day Christmas cd came out! Good stuff. Mac Powell can sing to me any day. Now that the weather is colder I'm already excited for Christmas. I'm tempted to change my general ringtone on my phone to jingle bells, but I'm going to try and contain myself until the thanksgiving (or at least november).
I'm still stuck on God honoring and teaching patience right now. It's such a simple concept, but often not so easy to practice. There are so many things going on right now that I just want to see the end result in or I just want to know the answer, but a good friend has had great timing in reminding me to be patient and God is following through on that and will continue to follow through. I had a free period in one of my sixth grade days and I turned on the tv in the classroom and they had all of the good channels that I just got rid of because I'm at war with brighthouse networks. as I was flipping through I stopped to watch a silly commercial and right after the commercial Beth Moore (hugely popular women's bible study author and speaker who I've talked about a ton on here. I'm doing one of her bible studies right now.) came on the screen and began to continue the sermon she had been preaching before the break. she was talking about contentment and patience with the Lord and in the Lord. It was brilliant because God timed it perfectly. it ended just as the bell rang and students began to file back into my room. Funny how that worked out, isn't it?

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

2006-10-02T14:50:00.000-04:00

I know you've all been dying with anticipation to get an update on my life. Who wouldn't?? But really...
I had an awesome time when my dad came to visit. He had a blast with Kayla of course! It was nice to just hang out with everyone together. We did end up going to a Cubs game, which was exciting and they actually won while we were there. Shocking, I know! So, from Naperville I went to Florida to visit Stacy and Jeff. It was a really good time. I only wish I could hang out with them more often. They're really fun to stay with! We went to the beach and all that fun Florida stuff.
When I got back from there I stayed up in Naperville because I got a call for an interview at a church called River Glen. The interview was last wednesday and it was with the associate pastor, interim youth guy, and two elders... really intimidating stuff, but aparently it went well because they called me the next day for a second interview! Pastor Doug suggested that we do a phone interview so that I didn't have to drive back up if I was back in Marion. That was really nice of him. So my second phone interview is this wednesday afternoon. By the way, the position is for jr. high youth director. Prayers are welcome. I'm really excited at the possibilty of being able to work in a church. I'm thinking this is something that I could end up doing for the rest of my life. We'll see.
I was planning on staying in the 'ville through the weekend just to hang out some more, but Trent called and said he was coming to Marion. I hadn't seen him in a little while so I drove back late friday night. He stayed at my place so we got to spend the weekend together. Always an adventure with Trent.
He just left today and now I'm focusing on preparing my self to substitute teach here in town. I applied a couple of weeks ago and they've been calling me, but obviously I've been gone. I have 2 days scheduled this week at a middle school right down the road. I'm pretty excited. I think it'll be fun. I've never taught and I'm not a certified teacher and they just throw you in the classroom, but it's an adventure/challenge and I'm definitely ready for it (and to be making some money)!
That's all I've got right now. There's a lot going on these days and it's really nice. I think I need to be crazy busy. It keeps me focused.
Anyway, something I've been remembering is how much God honors patience. He is faithful! And now, as always a song for your viewing pleasure...

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not,
As thou hast been, thou for ever will be.

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me
Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me
Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Just some stuff

2006-09-09T19:40:00.000-04:00

Today is my mom's birthday... so happy birthday, Mom. AND my sister, Liz is pregnant! Please be praying that she and the baby stay healthy and that she is able to carry to term. Now, onto regular things...
I went up to my sister's last weekend for Labor Day. It was great of course. I got to see a bunch of people I don't get to see too often and Liz and I took Kayla to the Last Fling. Good times in Naperville. I also went to Wheatland for church on Sunday and it was so refreashing to be around people with such faith. Pastor Scott is awesome. I got to talk to my old youth pastor for a while too and we're going out to lunch this coming week. My dad is coming into Naperville to spend some time with us and his sisters this week. I'll pick him up from the airport in Chicago on Tuesday and then spend the week there until Sunday. I'm flying down to Florida to spend time with Stacy and Jeff on Sunday. I was orginally going to help them move, but since they've decided to stay I'm just gonna be hanging out. I feel like all I've been doing is traveling this summer, but it's good. It's given me something to look forward to since the job situ is the same.
So, there's lots going on and lots to be considering these days and I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store. I'm awaiting whatever is next. I've learned that I need to be more patient and just trust, so that's what I'm doing. James 4:13-15 says: 13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Here is another Third Day song that I love:
May Your Wonders Never Cease

Father in Heaven
Lord, may Your name be glorified
Above all others
Above all this world
Above everything else in our lives
For nothing else in all of this world matters
But to live our lives for You and You alone

May Your wonders never cease
May Your Spirit never leave
May we ever long to see Your face
When we’ve turned from You again
Oh how quickly we forget
May we be reminded of Your grace
May wonders never cease

Beautiful Savior
Truly You proved Your love for us
While we were sinners in all our weakness
Still You gave Your life upon the cross
You saved us, Lord, from all of our transgressions
And delivered us into Your loving arms

Father in Heaven
Lord, may Your name be glorified
Above all others
Above all this world
Above everything else that’s in our lives
For nothing else in all of this world matters
But to live our life for You and You alone

Well, I hope you take time to bask in His glory this week. Til next time...

Cry Out to Jesus

2006-08-26T00:44:00.000-04:00

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

short

2006-08-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

I just got back into Marion today. Arizona was awesome. It was a lot of work taking Kayla, but well worth it. My parents loved having her there... they were so funny with her. I got a cold on the 2 day I was there and its finally going away today so that was kinda crappy, but that did stop me too much. I wish I could have stayed longer.
Nothing is new with my job search. Everything is the same as it always is in Marion. More and more people are here because classes at IWU start after labor day. Meghan will be back in town next week and I can't wait for her to get here. I don't really have much to say right now. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Almost home...

2006-08-14T18:31:00.000-04:00

I'm SO very ready to go home to Arizona to visit my parents! As I've already mentioned I'm taking my 21 month old niece, Kayla to Arizona with me! I'm excited for my parents to see Kayla, but I'm super nervous about flying with her especially because of the latest terrorist plot. I was kinda nervous because I don't want Kayla to be bad or be upset about having to stay on my lap the whole time, but now I'm nervous because she is such precious cargo and I'm responsible for her. You know? I'm sure that things will be ok, but it's realistic to think about this sort of thing.
Anyway nothing is new with the Great Job Search of '06. I sent out about 11 more resumes Friday and Saturday to just about everywhere I could live for cheap. I sent a few up to some places in Naperville, I sent a couple down in Florida, a few went to places around here, and a few went to places in Arizona. My old youth pastor just wrote a letter of recommendation for that job I'm trying to get at the church. It's very time consuming to look for a job.
After I get back from arizona next week I'll come home for a few days and then Trent is coming up to visit. Hopefully we'll be able to go to King's Island that weekend. I'm really looking forward to that.
I saw World Trade Center, the movie about the two men who survived in the rubble of the towers on 9-11. I wasn't sure what to think of it going in because I thought it was too soon for a movie like that. I didn't know anyone who was directly affected by the horrific events of that day, but it was still a devastating day for me. There have been many interviews with the families that the movie portrayed. They say that the movie is a fairly accurate account of what the families and the men went through that day. The families support the movie and don't think it's too soon because there may never be a right time for something like this. The stories need to be told to those who want to hear them.
I wanted to hear their story. It was gut-wrenching to watch. Our country was attacked. These terrorists knew what they were doing. People suffered and died. However, that wasn't the tone of the movie at all. It was a story of hope and survival (as hokey as that sounds). I'm not gonna lie though... I cried about 8 different times. I think any person who exhibits any kind of emotion would cry too. Oliver Stone (Director) does a great job of making you feel the emotions that the men and their familes felt. I'm not a huge fan of Nicholas Cage, but he did a great job.
I've seen a ton of movies lately so if you need an opinion about whether you should see one or not I can probably give you one.
I've been writing some new songs lately and I've been reminded of songs I've written in the past. I wrote a song my junior year of high school called "All it Takes is Faith". I wrote it for my dad and played/sang it for him on father's day that year. I typed up the words and put them in a frame surrounded by pictures of us and the family. (I'm not going to put the song on here because it's for my dad and my family.) Anyway as I'm writing these new songs the title of this old one keeps popping in my head. All it takes is faith. Doesn't it sound like faith is a really easy thing? Sometimes it is and those are great times, but sometimes faith isn't easy. If it's not easy for you to have faith right now (and that's ok, you'll have that sometimes) don't forget that there is an entire chapter in the bible devoted to faith. I think it's encouraging. We all know the first 3 verses of Hebrews chapter 11...
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
If you read the rest of the chapter there are numerous accounts of other's faithfulness. I recommend reading it or for many of you re-reading it. Good stuff. Nothing too deep... just a little encouragment.
I'm out!

Unemployment... day 98, amongst other things

2006-08-06T15:51:00.000-04:00

I've had a request to update although I'm not sure why... I've been pretty whinny these days. You'll have that I guess. I don't have much to update really. My niece, Kayla came to stay with me a week and a half ago for a few days. She's hilarious. I had fun having her here... In fact I'm taking her to AZ when I go to visit my parents. My sister and brother-in-law are really trusting and I think it's great. My parents hate not being able to see their grandchild. I'm leaving on the 16th and I'll be there for a week. I cannot wait to go either. It'll be good to be away from here. I'm still feeling real lonely. And I'm still uncertain about a lot of things. Satan is kinda trying to kick my butt and it's been rough. BUT too bad for him I have God on my side, so thats good news.
Still no job and I haven't heard back from anywhere. Just this past week a position opened up at Wheatland Salem UMC (my home church in Naperville, IL) and I would love to do this job. It's for a Director of Outreach and Missions. It's a perfect way for me to use my PR skills in the Church. Prayers would be great, thanks.
Trent invited me to go camping next weekend in KY which would be awesome. We'd be renting a cabin and caving. I've never actually been caving as in spelunking (sp?) so I'm not sure what to expect. I know it'd be fun, but I'm super claustrophobic, so we'll see. I need to find out some more stuff about it from him.
There is also the possibility of seeing Stacy next weekend... and I REALLY hope it works out! Jeff is in a wedding in Ohio so he'll be doing groomsmen things and I'm hoping that Stace will be free to hang out. I can't even express how amazing it would be to see her. She's been an awesome friend, especially lately. She's very encouraging.
I went to a wedding last weekend with Carley. It was super fancy! We kinda "crashed" two other weddings that were in the same resort. By crash I mean we signed guests books and mingled with their guests. Good times.
Anyway I'm going to leave you with a Psalm I really like... a Psalm of David.
Psalm 143
1 O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

Imagine being "alone"

2006-07-24T00:17:00.000-04:00

Imagine this... three to four of your best friends are trying to get you to come stay with or near them. You don't have a job, but you still have bills piling up all around you. God is sovereign and that should be enough. (why isn't it?) Everyday you apply to numerous places, many of which you don't even want to work for but are willing to just to make some money. Your dream is to move overseas for a while and be a part of a culture that produced some of your favorite people ever... in fact the main reason you're going is because the memory of loved ones are fresh in your head. Imagine your parents live 2000 miles away. They are supportive in every way possible. You have friends all around the coutry and soon to be all around the globe. People are pushing for you, but somehow it's not enough. Even though you're surrounded by people who love you (and I am), you feel alone.
That's been my story lately. See, I'm surrounded by people, but all of those people have other people that are either more important to them or take up more of their time. I'm not trying to be childish at all. The thing is... I know that people care for me and I know that I have amazing friends and family, but I am tired. I'm tired of working for attention and in some cases competing for attention. When did I get this way? When did the attention of others begin to run my day? (by the way I'm not just in Marion these days, I go up to Naperville a lot too. don't think this is about one person or event inparticular... this includes anyone and anything in my life.)
I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to go. The pressure and decisions are weighing heavier and heavier everyday. I keep looking for someone to just give me the right answer, but I'm looking in vain. It's driving me nuts... making me emotional, which is always embarrassing. My state today is a result of a decision that I might not have made in the best way, or for the best reason. I've been looking to others to define who I am for so long that I don't know who I am and now that I'm by myself (seemingly) I don't know if I like me. So I've gotta change. The question is... how??
I'm not the first person in human history to feel this way which tells me I'll get through it. This is just a picture of what I'm dealing with. So many people are dealing with things that are life threatening and life altering which makes this seem small. It's how my world is right now though, so it's big to me.

an update

2006-07-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

Not much is new these days. I've had a few more job prospects and an interview. I'm looking at the possibility of moving to Naperville soon if i don't get a job here. I interviewed at WSUMC on Monday and it went well. I'll find out in 2 weeks whether I get the job or not. I'd be teaching preschoolers and working with the youth group. The youth group part would be volunteer, but I really want to be plugged back in there and Becky and Ben (our old youth leaders) are pumped for me to be there. I'm really excited for this weekend... I'm going down to see Steph's new place and then we're going to Holiday World, this awesome water park in southern Indiana. I haven't gone to a water park since the mission trip in '00 I think.
I don't know if I've mentioned anything about this yet or not, but my parents are considering moving back to Naperville, or the surrounding area. It would be amazing! I miss my parents being out here. My brother has finally started training and he is planning on trying out for baseball this spring. He has so much potential... I just hope he sticks with it until then. When he was younger his little league teams always made it to the world series... and then in high school he never played because he got mixed up with drugs and couldn't make the team while high. I'm so proud of how he's turning his life around.
"Praise be to you, O Lord,
God of our father Israel,
from everlasting to everlasting.
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
Wealth and honor come from you;
you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
to exalt and give strength to all.
Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name."
1 Chronicles 29:10-13

friendship, loss, changes

2006-07-02T17:37:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been on the verge of losing something or someone and there's nothing you can do about it? It's the most helpless feeling in the world. I'm not just referring to losing someone without them knowing Christ, although that's the worst kind of loss if you ask me. I'm talking about being able to let something or someone go and knowing that God is in control. I have the worst time with that. It's hard for me to let anyone go, especially someone really important to me. You'd think that I had been abandoned or something at some point in my life, but I haven't. I just can't give up on people. Like letting someone go is giving up a part of me and I'll never get it back. I want to be better at it. I would love to be able to just shrug a loss off, but I can't. (I haven't lost anybody or anything... no worries. I'm just thinking.) I don't like to feel helpless, but it's for sure when God is most evident to me.
I think about the next few years ahead of me and I know that there are people I'll have to leave behind or say goodbye to and I'm not looking forward to it. These days people have convinced themselves that nothing is forever and things don't change, but that's a lie. You have to work really, really hard to keep relationships strong and if both parties aren't willing to do so then there's nothing you can do.
This seems like such a negative way of thinking, and I guess it is if that's how you take it, BUT I'm actually looking forward to how God is going to use these situations. It's never fun for a relationship to die out, but just when the emptiness is at it's peak God is there reminding us that you're not empty with Him.
This is more for me then for anyone else... a kind of reminder for when a friendship changes and I don't like it.

We are gathered here today...

2006-06-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

As usual, the reason I haven't written anything is because life has been crazy-hectic... in a good way! Michelle, my best friend of 14 years, is married!!

Here I am with the beautiful bride!

Here I am acting foolish/dancing with Stacy after I caught the bouquet! (I'm getting married!)

Myself, along with two of my other best friends from childhood were bridesmaids in the wedding and it was a blast. The four of us are rarely together because we all reside in different states right now so as you can imagine it was a sweet reunion for us. Stacy, Carley, and Michelle are three of my favorite people ever. They are loyal friends and amazing women of the Lord... an encouragement to me in my life. Blake and emily were up which is always good times. They're great! Peter came in all the way from North Carolina and it was awesome to see him... I miss peter... he's one of my best friends too! Laura and her new hubby, Tripp came up from Nashville and Lindsey made it up from DC. It was an all around a great time. I definitly wish that all of us could be together all the time, but life must keep moving on.
Other then that I've been spending time on the phone, online, and doing everything possible to get a decent job. I'm coming to the realization that a good job in Marion might not exsist for me. I hate retail and anything close to it, but I may end up taking a crappy job until I find a decent one. Boo to that! I do have to say that Trent was right on this one. ;)
Creation fest was cancelled due to the insane amount of rain that the northeast has been experiencing so that kinda stinks. It would have been a good time. Hopefully I'll get a refund for the ticket though.
If I can't find a job soon I think I'm just going to start working on getting a work visa for Italy and just go. I'm not saving any money (obviously since I don't have an income) and I'm just sitting around bored. I could get a job there and pay rent there... do exactly what I'm doing here, only it would be awesome because it's Italy. I just want to be doing something right now, you know?
I'm so easily bored. From the 21st until the 26th I was booked... completely busy and looking for some solice. Now that I have it... a mere 4 days later, I'm bored. BUT I need to learn to just relax and do nothing. It's so hard for me because life without lots of friends and different people gets old real fast. I'm just being whinny because I'm sick with a cold and I'm alone for one night. :) I'll deal.
I apologize for the meaninglessness of this post. Just an update, even though most of the people who I know read this already know all of this. Wow. Bring on the NyQuil!

Death, the possibilty of a new life, and missionaries

2006-06-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

Once again life has been a whirlwind. Memorial day was good times. I bought a grill so we BBQ'd which was fun. Last week is kinda a blur though... my mom called me wednesday morning to tell me about a death in the family, so that was really hard. but then wednesday afternoon Blake called and I got to meet him and Emily down in Indy for lunch, which was nice... definitely helped take my mind off of things. Then I had to go home and pack and get ready to go back up to Naperville because my parents were coming in for the funeral. Next my brother called me to give me some interesting news, so I had to deal with that on top of the death. I'm not gonna write about it, but you can ask me about if you want. I left friday evening and met Meghan at the movies and then we went back to her house for a sleepover. The next morning I met my sister, brother, and parents in downtown Naperville for breakfast at a place we always went to when they lived there. I spent the weekend at my sister's with the whole family which was awesome. We even went to the Brookfield Zoo... something we did numerous times each summer growing up. It was hilarious to watch Kayla in the Children's Zoo. She loved the goats!

Here is Kayla with a goat!
Monday was the wake so we spent most of the day at the funeral home. It's always good to see family that we don't get to see often... too bad it had to be on such a crappy occasion. Tuesday was the funeral, but that was over fairly early, so we all just went back to my sister's and relaxed. Once again... I totally wish my parents lived in Naperville. There are so many things that we used to do as a family that I miss. I have so many memories there with them... it really sucks that we can't be there all together very often.
Anyway, I got back from Naperville on wednesday night. Thursday I got up and drove up to Michigan to have my bridesmaid dress for Michelle's wedding taken in a bit. I have to go back up next thursday for a final fitting. So much freaking driving! After July 5th I'm not driving anywhere! Mark my words!
Good news... I have an interview at this place in Marion monday and I'm really hoping it works out. I definitely need a job like now!
This is the first weekend I'm here in Marion in what seems like forever. I'm looking forward to just relaxing, but I'm already getting bored... so maybe this wasn't the best idea. I would have loved to go up to chicago again, but I just don't want to drive anymore. gas prices are too crazy! I'm hoping that my good friend and old roommate Holly will end up coming down to stay this weekend. She's great!
Only 2 weeks until Michelle's wedding and I can't wait! Stacy and Jeff will be in and staying with me at my sister's, Peter is coming in, and it's going to be one big reunion.
I'm definitely ready for life to slow down and to get into some sort of routine. It's crunch time... I HAVE to start saving money for Italy. I really want to go so bad. I'm doing a bible study on the life and ministry of Paul and I'm really excited about going because it's going to be a unique mission opportunity. Paul is one of the most... if not THE most effective missionary ever. What an example to follow! I'm looking forward to the possibilities in Italy.
Give me a call this weekend if you're bored. Later!

they just keep on rollin'

2006-05-29T13:08:00.000-04:00

I just got back from Naperville last night and can I just say that I wish my parents still lived there? I had so much fun. I stayed at my sister, Liz's house on Wednesday. On thursday I met Ashley Dudich for lunch and then hung out with John. He had me listen to some stuff he's written and recorded and it was all breath-taking. This kid has amazing talent. Before I left he told me he wanted me to come to church Sunday because he was going to be leading worship at WSUMC like old times. I wasn't planning on staying because I had a wedding sunday night. Then I went to Meg's and we just hung out and rented movies which is always good. A New World...awful. Never rent it! Waste of time. Friday we met up with friends and saw X-Men III: the last stand. It was really good! Then we went out after that. Saturday I went out to Liz's again and I was planning on leaving to come back to Marion from there, but I decided to stay so I went back to Meg's. How often am I going to get the chance to hear John Dudich play anymore and for whatever reason he cares what I think, so staying to hear him was important. It's a good thing I did stay because Blake called to say he was in town with Emily, Laura and Tripp called and were in town, and Lindsey happened to be in town too, so all of us plus Carley hung out for a while Saturday night. Sunday I went to church and got to see everyone again for a bit. They had all gone to earlier service so I found some other peeps to sit with. After the service I got to talk to John for while before I left to come back for the wedding.
I then drove straight to Ft. Wayne where I met my roommate who had my dress and shoes. We got ready in a Wendys... real classy, I know. Then we went to the wedding (Dark Almond (Josh) and Allison Yankey's). It was a beautiful service and a very cute reception. It was great to see IWU people who I probably won't see again or hadn't seen in a while. I left the reception fairly early because I was beat from getting up for church and then driving for 3.5 hours.
All in all, good times have been had for the past two weeks. I wish I could see more of everyone from youth group and back in the day. I can't even tell you how amazing the times we had were.
Anywho... this week is officially 'get a job' week. Money supply is diminishing rapidly and there are lots of fun times ahead. I got my ticket for Creation Fest yesterday and I'm very excited about it! Nervous because it's out of my comfort zone to spend 4 nights with people I don't know, but it'll be good I'm sure. PLUS I'll get to see Third Day for the second time in 6 months!
Even through all of the craziness the past few weeks, God has made his presence known in a few big ways to me. I love that. Who doesn't? I'm not gonna lie, that's been a lacking area in my life for a while, but I'm working on it. I was encouraged by some amazing people and reminded of the sovereignty of the Lord. It's good, real good. I know this post is getting kinda long, but I really want to stress something real quick...
It is sooo important to be in the body of Christ and involved in some way. this is a very "duh" statement, but it's just a reminder, I guess. If you're not involved in a church, how are you being fed? I've heard a lot of people talking about how they used to be when they went to youth group. Do you know why you were so on fire? Everyone around you was either on fire or just encouraging you. There probably wasn't a time when you went to church and there wasn't somebody excited about something God was doing. God works through others so much and by not being involved in the body, you're not allowing Him to work. It's part of having expectations of God. How can you expect anything when you're not willing to work?
Again I know this isn't something new or some great revelation, but its just really important and something people seem to look past as they start getting older.
Enjoy Memorial day, eat some good BBQ and rest in the Lord. Peace!

Just an update

2006-05-23T22:47:00.000-04:00

Laura's wedding was beautiful. She was gorgeous, the church was amazing, the reception was classy, and the company was the best! I can't even begin to express how much I love the people I got to hang out with this past weekend. It's such a bummer that I don't get to see most of them, but once or twice a year. I've decided that there has to be at least one wedding a year so we can all get together. And I'm totally looking forward to my wedding because there are some people who aren't invited to some of the weddings, but at mine... I'm having everyone. All of my friends. It's gonna be great.
I got to see Michelle, my best friend and blushing bride. (june 24th baby!!) I can't wait for her wedding! We're going to have so much fun. Hanging with her is always a laughfest like none other. Carley came down too and we got to spend some time all three together. I got down on Thursday with the bridal party and did all of the stuff with them and stayed at the hotel, but then when Michelle came we stayed at Blake's house. Blake is great and Emily, his lovely girlfriend is a blast too. I'm so glad I got to spend time with them.
It had been a week shy of a year since I'd seen John and Ashley Dudich, so it was really special to see them. They've been married for a year! Crazy! I'm super excited because I think I'm going up to Naperville this week to have lunch with Ashley and Becky, just like old bible study times. I love those two! Seeing John is always an experience because you never know how things are going to be. Someone has to be really special to win the repsect and love of John Dudich and I'm so glad that I'm one of those people. He's a great friend... in a weird never see or talk to him way. I wish I could see him more. The kid's got amazing talent... he's going places. All because God is providing awesome opportunites for him and Ashley. Hopefully we're going to stay in a little bit better contact so I can stay up to date on his composing and recording.
Anyway... enough about that. Laura is married! She's getting ready to move to Taiwan(sp?) with Tripp and they will start their new lifel
Sorry, really... enough about that. ;) I'm still trying to find a job... it's incredibly annoying and boring. There are so many jobs that seem exciting, but they're either too far away or end up being a sales job. Boo to that! I just want to work in Marion and save some money so I can move on with my life... hopefully that means going to Italy. Maybe it would have been smart to move back home, but you live and learn. I made this choice for a reason... we'll see if infact it paid off.
Marion is lame right now. No one is around and if they are, they're working. Trent is gone for the summer to the Gulf Coast to work for Youth Works, so i won't get to see him... and maybe not even talk to him if the cell towers are still down. Sad! This summer is kinda looking down for me. BUT I know that as soon as I find a job things will get better. I still have some fun stuff to look forward to!!
Nothing deep or thought-provoking. Just a little update. Maybe I'll write something interesting later this week. I'm out!

Busy days

2006-05-15T22:45:00.000-04:00

My life has been a whirlwind for the past couple of weeks. Trent came to visit AND we went geocaching (it was my first time and it was so much fun!) Trent is good at finding the most random, fun things to do... so that was a blast. Good to see him. I graduated!! My family was here and then we went up to Naperville to see other friends and family. I've moved into a bigger apartment... that I love. I'm trying real hard to find a decent job to hold me over until Italy. I could give you all the details of all of the above, but why waste time? You get the idea. Graduating and spending time with my family was awesome. Moving was killer, but it's good now. Job searching sucks, but it has to be done.
This past weekend I went up to my sister's place. I had an awesome time! We hung out with my cousins and some other folks. Sunday morning we were treated to breakfast by Mom and Rich (the parents of one of my sister's old friends who passed away a few years ago of an overdose). Their other two sons came, Nathan and Gene. I've known Nate for a while because he's closer to my age and he's always around. I hadn't met Gene until this weekend because he lives up in Wisconsin now. He's a really great guy and lots of fun. He's Terry's age so he's a few years older, but really cool.
Life isn't going to slow down anytime soon for me... I leave Thursday to go down to Nashville for Laura Dudich's wedding and events surrounding that. I'll get back here Sunday. Then next weekend I have another wedding of two friends from IWU. The weekend after that I'm supposed to go up to Chicago to hang out. Then up to Michigan to have my dress for Michelle's wedding altered. Two weeks after that it's up to Naperville for Michelle's wedding and all of the activities that go along with being a bridesmaid. I'll be up there from Tuesday through Sunday night. That Sunday is also Laura's Naperville reception. I'll come home from that and then on that tuesday or wednesday I'll be driving out to PA for Creation Fest with my friend Aaron. I'll be there until Saturday or Sunday... which is the first of July.
Busy days ahead for me. But it's all gonna be fun times! I love fun stuff on the weekends. Sometime in there I have to find a job though... boo. Anyway, that's it for me. I'd love to hear how things are going for whoever the heck actually reads this! I'm out!

Crazy times!

2006-04-20T14:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted and I'm sure those of you who know me are well aware of why. I have been insanely busy for the past 3 weeks. School has basically taken over my life, not to mention the things I've had to deal with outside of school. BUT I gave my senior project presentation last night and I'm done!! It went fairly well, but of course I'm always going to think I could have done better. I did the best I could and I don't care anymore because I'm done. I also had a major presentation this morning where my group and I were repsonsible for 35-45 minutes of class. This is a major protion of our grade in this class, but that went well too. So I'm not too worried about graduating at all. I'm very relieved and can't tell you how nice it is knowing that I only have one actual test for finals... and I don't even have to study for the test because i've done really well on the other two tests in that class. It's been the longest five years of my life, yet they've flown by... if that makes any sense. I'm actually not sure if I'm ready for the next part of my life, you know? I'm comfortable having every afternoon free to just sleep or run or fly kites :o). I have to start looking for a job... as in a real job. I could settle for Walgreens, but I promised myself better. Not to sound cocky, but I deserve better. I feel like I've paid my dues. We'll see though.
As per the things outside of school I've had to deal with... my brother isn't doing very well. He and his fiance just broke up which means he has to sell his brand new house and move back in with my parents. he can't pay the morgage on his own. I'm really sad for him. Don't get me wrong though... I'm glad this girl is out of his life because she was a money-hungry you-know-what and so selfish, but i want him to be happy. He's had it rough, only because that's the way he's chosen to live his life, but I don't believe he deserves to be in pain... who does? So my heart goes out to him. I've really wanted to be able to go home and be with him, but school hasn't allowed me to sleep let alone go to Arizona for the weekend. I also have a few friends dealing with rough spots in their lives and I'm trying to devote as much time and care as I can to them. It's hard. Time management is not my forte.
Then there's just stuff I've had to deal with personally. I recently chose to make myself vulnerable in a situation which isn't something I like to do (as I'm sure you know) and it was really hard to do. But things are working out well and life is moving on. I'm really glad to be moving forward, if you will. It's exciting.
Easter break was amazing though! I saw so many people I haven't seen in forever, which was awesome. Also, my sister agreed to come to church with me and she brought my niece, Kayla, who has never been in a church is her short, little life. And of course anytime I spend time with Kayla is great. She brings me more joy than I ever thought a niece could. Plus... she's hysterical. She definitely has my sister's attitude. (if you don't know what Liz is like, count yourself lucky *wink*) She's just very blunt, sometimes rude to people she doesn't know, and she definitely doesn't care what ANYONE thinks of her at all. She's funny though and I love her.
My parents and brother, Vinny will be out here in a week and I can't wait to see them. It's only been a month and a half since spring break, but having the whole family together is always a good time. My parents and Vincent haven't seen Kayla since Christmas, so it'll be fun!!
I haven't forgotten about the topic I said I would write on, but for now this is all you get. I'm going to go take a nap until graduation!

So many things really...

2006-04-03T14:18:00.000-04:00

Only 3.5 weeks until graduation! So much to do, so little time. I cannot wait to be done with school... but if you've read any of the past couple of entries you know that, so I'm gonna stop here. It's actually been a busy couple of weeks with lots of work, but I've been having fun. Two weekends ago I went home to my sister's and which is always a good time. It was really nice to just relax... usually when I go there I have a full schedule, but this time I only had two things set to do. My cousin's son had his 6th birthday party which made me feel really old! And I got to hang with Carley for a while. Good times.
this past week was crazy busy. I had stuff due every day, plus a fundraiser I was in charge of was on tuesday, then on thursday night Carley and Matt came to visit. It was so nice to have someone from home here... it's been forever since anyone has been able to make it down. They stayed until friday night. Friday afternoon an old friend, Tim came to visit. It was really cool to hang with him... he graduated from IWU in '04 and I hadn't seen him since then. We played guitar forever friday night and it was amazing because I never get to play with anyone who's decent enough for me to play around on my own. (maybe if Trent would actually practice *wink*). I always forget how nice it is to just sit and talk to someone you don't talk to much. Good convos are fun.
Anyway, last week I had to make a decision that affects my future (in a way) and that was hard for me, but it'll be good, I'm sure. It's so crazy to think that decisions I'm making now have the potential to affect the rest of my life. That's huge! Up until this point in my life I don't know that I've made any huge decisions that directly affect the way my life may go. Deciding on a college was a huge choice, I guess. And actually my choice of college has directly affected this other decision that I've made. Confused? Yeah, me too.
As a result of a recent conversation I've been thinking about how people sometimes change their life plans because of others and I've always been against stuff like that. I hate when people are set on doing something or going somewhere and then they change everything because of someone or something else. I think that we need to do what we want to do, when we want to do it and other people can wait. That is, until I decided to put something off that I had already had my mind set on. I can't credit this choice completely to one person because lots of stuff has changed since I set my mind on doing it, but I'm a little disappointed with my change of heart. I never understood how you could be so passionate about doing something and then just be willing to put it on the back-burner. I've thought about this a ton and as much as I hate when people do this, it's something I feel like I have to do. Sometimes new things present themselves and priorities change, and that's ok. Great justification, I know. Does this make sense at all? Probably not to most of you, but I'm kinda just rambling to ease my own mind and since this is MY blog I can do that. If you wanna know, just ask.
Anywho... is it possible to go through the motions and live your life in a Christ-like way without ever really doing God's will? My thoughts to come at a later date. Right now it's time for the Cub's season opener! GO CUBBIES!! (I realize that sounded horrible... in no way do I think the Cubs game is more important than this subject, but I want to have some time to think and I want whoever reads this to have some time to think as well.)
~Chris~

Life goes on

2006-03-21T19:59:00.000-05:00

It's finally over. My senior project event was this past Saturday and I'm definitely glad it's over with. There was so much leading up to it that I never thought I'd have to deal with, but it's over. It didn't go as planned, but I don't think these things ever go as planned. The important thing is that graduation is 5.5 weeks away and it can't come soon enough! What an amazing feeling to be almost done. I've spent a ton of time saying that I don't even care if I graduate just because I've been so flustered with the senior project, but what an accomplishment. Neither of my parents finished their degrees, my sister didn't go to college, and my brother probably won't ever end up going either.
It's embarrassing that it's taken me five years to get a degree that should really only take three years. Being a Communication major is a joke to most people at IWU and probably most people everywhere. I kind of wish that I would have stuck out the music major not only because I would have been done a year ago, but also because I'd be able to play piano much better. :o) I also miss choir... a lot. I like that my voice doesn't sound as trained anymore and that I am not just a classical singer, but I don't like that I'm losing some of the things I learned over 10 years of choir and a few years of voice lessons.
Anyway, the five year thing... I think you all understand why it's taken me five years to graduate, but for those that don't know, here's why. I was a music major (vocal, guitar, and piano) for 2 years. Then I decided to take a semester off and go home and work. When I came back junior year I didn't choose communications until second semester and then I got mono causing me to have to drop 3 classes and only earn 7 credits. Everything's been smooth since then, but it's been a long journey. I've actually had to do some studying, unlike in high school where I got by on honor roll and never took a book home.
I don't know what the next year holds for me yet. I'm looking for a job around here to save up some money before I go to Italy. Peter (one of my best friends from high school) might be coming here and getting a job. It'll be a good time if he comes! Anyway, I'm looking for a job in a church because that's where my heart is. My passion is music, but working with kids would be fun. I'm not sure it's a good idea to take a church job knowing that I plan on leaving in a year, but we'll see what presents itself. I'm also keeping an eye on the jobs available at IWU. Who knows?!
The Lord is doing amazing things both in and around me. I love seeing His work in the people around me... it's so encouraging. I hope you all are excited by something God is doing right now. Be blessed.

SB '06

2006-03-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

Today is my last day in Arizona for break. Tomorrow I fly back to Indy and then I'm driving up to Chicago for friday night. I'll probably be back in Marion by Saturday afternoon. It's been a whirlwind for me. I've spent most of break shopping and hanging out with friends and family.
There is much to look forward to, especially graduation! It's only 8 weeks away and it can't come too soon that's for sure! Again, I'd like to ask for your prayers for my senior project event which is on Saturday, March 18th. I really want people to come and I want the girls to feel like they matter to the community and that people other then their foster parents care about them.
I don't really have much to say right now. My mind is racing and I'm focused on other things and there is some stuff going on that won't matter if I write it on here or not. Life is good. I'm good. God's love is abundant and evident.
In other news I've been writing on here for over a year now. Yay for me. ;o) Hopefully soon, when life slows down a bit I'll be able to write something a little more interesting or maybe even thought-provoking.
ps I did go to the doctor while I was here and he wasn't very helpful other than to say that my original diagnosis was wrong and I have to have a bunch of tests done when I get back to Marion. No worries though folks, I'm feeling really good and the pain is gone. I'm guessing that whatever I had went away.

No time for illness!

2006-02-27T15:28:00.000-05:00

So, it's definitely been a while. My life has been kind of crazy the last few weeks. Senior project work is very time consuming and I've had a ton of stuff to do for it because my fundraising event is in less than 3 weeks.
This past weekend I made the last minute decision to go home to stay at my sister's. It's a good thing I did because Saturday I got sick and ended up spending Saturday night in the ER all freakin night. I drove back to Marion Sunday because I needed to just be somewhere where I could be comfortable and sleep a lot. I'm doing a little better... thanks to some vicodin and antibiotics. This kind of thing always seems to happen to me. I have a ton of crap to do this week before spring break, so you can imagine how the timing is so inopportune to be sick. Isn't it sad when you don't have time to be sick? That's why we Americans are nuts. Only in America do you not have the time to take care of yourself because everything else is more important. Maybe it's just here at IWU. Who knows.
Anyway feel free to throw up some prayers for me because I still have to have tests done to prevent this from going any further and getting worse. Thanks guys!

Another one bites the dust

2006-02-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

Good news all around! First is that my best friend since 5th grade, Carley is engaged!! She has been dating Matt for a while and I'm still getting to know him, but I love him and they are perfect for each other. He is really good for her and treats her well. He is also a strong leader and man of God. Carley Smith is going to be Carley Freeman is less than a year!! Yay!
So many weddings, so little time and money! But seriously, I need to get a job just to pay for the weddings I'm in and that I'm traveling to this summer. This is the most exciting time in our lives, but definitely one of the most expensive!
More good news... I didn't think I was going to be able to go home for spring break because my parents just spent a large amount of money on something for me, so they said if they buy this for me then I can't come home for break. Well my mom called me last night because she got an amazing price on a ticket (the "Ding" fares from Southwest are amazing!) and she bought it, so I'm super pysched and can't wait to see them. I have to talk to my brother about some stuff though, so be praying for that and feel free to ask about specifics... I'm not gonna lay his life out on here.
Also one of my friends just found out he's going to be an uncle and I'm really excited for him! Babies are so much fun and being an aunt/uncle is the best job ever!
Part of being an aunt is showing off the cuteness, so here is a picture of Kayla from last month.

She's 15 months already! Isn't she beautiful?

questions, decisions, and good friends

2006-02-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

Really? Are you sure? Abosolutely positive?
This is what my life has been like for the past week. I've been in the process of making an important, yet tough decision and there has been more questioning and deep thinking than there has been in a while for me. For once I've made a decision for me and not for those around me. What? Yeah, that's right... I do actually have the ability to think for myself! Who knew? AND for once my parents are realizing that I'm an adult and have the capacity to think like one. I've made bad choices in my life because I thought it was best for me and it was something I wanted, nay needed at the time and then it came back and bit me in the butt. This time I had to make a decision for me and they completely respect it, they may not like it, but they're supporting me because they love me. The fact that they are so supportive right now is the only thing making this choice ok because I know they'll continue to support me for the rest of my life. My parents have given me everything that I could ever want and lots of stuff I don't really need, and to them I'm grateful.
Changing tunes... I have a gripe. There was a discussion in class today about friendship; the number of REAL friends a person can truly have and the quality of those friends. It was said that a person can only have 5-6 good friends, real friends, people you are completely comfortable with and can share your inner most thoughts and core with, AND that you spend the most time with. First, I completely dissagree. That's a bunch of crap because there are people in my life that I don't spend a lot of time with, but am completely comfortable with and I can share anything with them without the fear of ridicule or something like that. Second, time spent with a person doesn't define the type of friendship you have. I've been best friends with Michelle, Stacy, and Carley forever and just because we don't spent much time together doesn't mean the quality of friendship is less than those I see all the time. I don't ever see Blake anymore either, but it doesn't mean that I feel like I can't call him at anytime and that he won't be there and available.
Also, we were talking about the things that are important in friendships and for some reason, honesty wasn't the first thing people were saying. It should be second only to trust or something, don't you think? How can you have a quality friendship without complete honesty. How these people at a Christian university don't understand that, I don't know.
Thats enough about that. For the first time in a really long time I'm not going home for Spring Break, which sucks big time, but this way I'll get to spend time with people from IL and with baby Kayla. Plus Michelle has a fitting for her wedding dress and she'll be home for a weekend, so it'll be awesome to see her.
BTW...

"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Famous Faith

2006-01-30T13:19:00.000-05:00

This past week I was informed that my favorite and most influential professor's contract wasn't being renewed after this spring. It hit me hard because this man has made a greater impact on me than any other prof at IWU. If you know me from back in the day he's the college version of Mr. Rim.
I'm obviously not going to be here when he's not welcomed back because I'm leaving, but just the thought of IWU giving up on such an amazing man of God really ticked me off. My first reaction was anger, of course. My prof was calm and he tried explaining how he felt about it and such, but all I could see was red. How could they be letting this awesome guy go? Especially since he has a family with 6 kids to support?! Then he started talking about the Lord moving in his life and how he knows that he's going to be alright. He just has the faith to be like, "oh well, I just lost my job, but I'm going to be fine". I would be furious and in panic mode if I were him. His first reaction was to turn to God... my first reaction was anger. I thought of a thousand reasons more to dispise this place I've called home for 5 years.
It took about two hours for me to start to see the situation in a different light. This speaks more loudly than anything to me. Why was my first reaction anger, besides the obvious answer that I'm human? I thought to myself about how this reflects me and my character and my trust in God. What is something everyone on earth needs more of? Faith. We're all subjects of the fall which means we're sinners by nature. What if we were faithful by God as much as we say we are sinners by nature? What then?
I wanna be like these people described here...
Hebrews 11 (NIV)
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
5By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
8By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
11By faith Abraham, even though he was past age—and Sarah herself was barren—was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
13All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. 14People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
17By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." 19Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.
20By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.
21By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.
22By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions about his bones.
23By faith Moses' parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king's edict.
24By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. 25He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. 26He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.
29By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.
30By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
31By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.
32And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, 33who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Little things

2006-01-24T13:55:00.000-05:00

I've been reading the book Messy Spirituality for almost 6 months. It's a really short book and a fast read, but I haven't been in the reading mood at all. Well I finally finished it last night and today I find myself wanting to pick it up and read it again. Michael Yaconelli does such a good job of reminding his readers that God shines in our imperfections. That being spiritual doesn't mean being on top of the game every minute of everyday. His words are encouraging, especially to this doubting thomas. I've plugged this book before so I don't need to say much more than that.
Things are picking up a bit for me which is nice. I have a ton of stuff to do this semester and now I'm glad I only have one class a day.
Leah and Holly came down to visit this past weekend which was awesome. For those of you that don't know, they are two of my most favorites people ever. They were my roommates for 4 years and I love them. Leah got married in August, so I don't get to see her much at all anymore, so it was cool.
Sad story... on Saturday the four of us went to a used book store and they happened to sell puzzles. I love doing puzzles and my roommate enjoys them as well so we bought one. On Sunday we spent 12 hours doing the puzzle. We completed it, but the only time we took a break was a 30 minute Walmart run. We even ate dinner at the puzzle table. The time flew by. It was crazy. I felt like I was 70 years old or something, but it was a nice change from watching tv all day.
In other news... I've been getting a ton of info on Italy lately and talking with the tour company I would like to work for so it's getting me excited about that still being a possibility. I'm still in the dark about some stuff (if you know what I mean), so I'm still keeping my options open. Things are good in that area, by the way. Anyway, my mom called me yesterday to tell me about a job in Arizona that I'm going to be eligible for once I have my degree and it starts at $70,000 a year. I guess I picked the right profession, although it's not really what I want to do anymore. My mommy misses me though, and she is trying her best to get me to come live there. I'd rather not, but we'll see where life takes me in the next year.
Just a little reminder/word of encouragement... God is still in the business of answering prayers. God grants us the desires of our hearts. Pray with expectation and remember that God knows our hearts, so trying to fool Him is simply foolish.
"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-7

Nothing really...

2006-01-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

It's been a bit since I've posted, but to be honest not too much is new and exciting in my life right now. I'm really glad to be back in Indiana, but I'm finding myself bored quite a bit. I only have 3 classes and my senior project, so my days are spent napping to pass time. I think I need to take advantage of this time because when else in my life am I going to have nothing to do? Graduation looms. Some days it seems so close, but most days it seems like it's never going to come.
Still the question os what I'm doing after graduation is up in the air. I have so many possibilities... I don't want to make the wrong choice, but then I'm reminded that God is next to me no matter where I'm at.
I decided to go home to Naperville this past weekend due to the fact that Marion is lame on the weekends when all your friends are gone. I had a really good time with my sister and I got to spend time with Carley, one of my dearest friends from back in the day. It's always encouraging to be around her. Her faith is so strong and she's such a rock (even though she doesn't see that). She is so faithful as a friend and is amazing at holding me accountable in all aspects of my life. We don't see each other too often, but when we do it's as though no time has past (in one sense at least) and I can't do anything, but thank God for the type of friends I've been given. We've (me, stace, michelle, and carley) have been through everything together and it's amazing to see where we've come from and where we're headed. Man, I sound like I'm 80 or something. Enough of that!
I just purchased the book "Searching for God Knows What" and I'm really looking forward to starting it. Donald Miller has a way of grabbing you and making you identify with him because he's so honest about his walk with the Lord. His honesty and vulnerability is encouraging.
Anyway, I've been reaqainting myself with my guitar since I've been back and I'm loving it. I talk about this all the time... how I go through dry spells and then all I want to do is play. I love these times when all I want to do is play. There's so much freedom in playing guitar... at least for me. I've really been missing people a ton lately. Friends from here and friends from home. Guitar is an amazing way to take away from that.
Man, I feel like I sound like Debbie Downer these days. I'm doing really well though, I just get bored easily. There's a lot of thinking going on. BUT life is good and I'm working on moving forward! (I know you probably just rolled your eyes... I did too!) :o)

changes are a comin'

2006-01-05T22:11:00.000-05:00

In a year life will be completely different... this is as a result of decisions I've made leading up to this point in my life. I'm ready for a change though. Ready to bust out of my shell if you will. It seems like I've been stuck in the same rut for over three years now and no matter what I do to get out of it, I always seem to slip back in. Right now the only logical thing seems to be to get away from what I know and I'm comfortable with. Maybe this means just up and going to Italy, maybe it means severing some relationships, maybe it means strengthening some relationships. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I feel like I have to find one and fast. Like I was talking about a while ago... I'm coming to a new season in my life and while I still have 4 months to revel in it, 4 months isn't very long. I'm tired of settling and living my life for others. For once I feel like I'm not being selfish when I think about living my life for me. This doesn't mean without God... at all.
I say all this now knowing that things could change in a hurry and I'm ready for that, but I can't expect that. I need to start planning my life for me. Where ever I go God will be with me and I can be used for Him and this is what I need to rest in. I see my friends moving on with their lives, getting married, moving across the country, and really being able to step forward and I really want to be able to do that.
I was talking to a friend tonight about a conversation we had about 8 months ago and I'm still in the same spot that I was in then. She's moved forward. It's ironic to me that the title of my blog is 'moving forward', but that's the one thing I can't seem to do very well right now.
It's okay to get stuck and be in a rut, but there has to be some way out eventually. When will my out come? Part of the problem is relying on others more than God and I'm totally aware of this. I just do the same thing over and over... start the same crap over and over... and frankly... I'm over it! You know? Maybe it means I need to be more guarded and less of an open book (an open book like I am right now as I write this). Everyone thinks it's such a bad thing to keep to yourself and it can be, but I think I need to learn more discretion.
Now, I realize that some people are going to take this as a direct effect from recent events and I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Just stuff I've been thinking about for a while and I've finally come to a decision. I may work a million hours a week, but it's so brainless that I have tons of time to think, so while I've been nothing but busy over this break, I've also had nothing but time.
So much change is occurring and will continue to occur for the next few years and I really need to be preparing for it. This is my way of preparing for it I guess.
My prayer right now is this:

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when I was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

"Small Enough" by Nicole Nordemon. I've always loved this song and it's fitting right now. Incas you hadn't noticed I'm all about the songs these days. Music rocks my face off... and I definitely am regretting not bring my guitar home for break. Oh well, we'll be reunited real soon.

Welcome to 2006

2006-01-03T22:28:00.000-05:00

Happy new year folks! My new years eve was fun, but you can ask me about the details later. My birthday was very low key for the first time ever. It was weird for me because I'm used to it being a big deal, but I guess when you turn 23 people don't get too excited for you. I got calls from a few amazing people and one unexpected call that made my day (oh I think you know), but other than that it was kinda dull. A lot of people forgot which is strange, but I'm just a freak about remembering people's birthdays.
Not too much else is new. I'm still working 60-70 hours a week which means I'll pay off my computer and still have some money which will be nice because I'm POOR these days. Call my crazy, but I'm looking forward to heading back to school because I just like being able to chill in my own house. I never realized how much I would like having my own apartment. I love having a place to call my own and being able to do what I want when I want. Don't get me wrong... when I'm home I don't have curfew or anything crazy like that, but I think it's respectful to let my parents know where I'm going to be, you know?
I just found out that one of my really good friends is pregnant which is super exciting! Other then that life is calm right now. I hope you all are doing well and having a good break. Later!

The most wonderful time of the year!

2005-12-25T23:52:00.000-05:00

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas! Mine was great... it's always a good time when my whole immediate family is together. Liz, Terry, and Kayla left tonight, but we had a great time.
Anyway this is just a friendly reminder that 5 days from now is the best day of the year! Night all!

Only a week and I'm weak

2005-12-22T03:20:00.000-05:00

So, I've been home for about a week now and what have I done? You guessed it! I've done nothing but work. Don't get me wrong I'm in serious need of the money, but working 11am-10pm on Christmas Eve and 8am-2:30pm on Christmas day is not what I had in mind when I asked for hours. I'm at a loss really. I've been working the same mundane job since I turned 16... 7 years! Not only does that make me old... it makes me pathetic. I've never really tried to get another job that pays more because I'm really comfortable doing the job I do. It's easy and brainless. What's sad about it is that I have really good friends who have dedicated their lives to doing the job I do.
Anyway, enough about that. I think you get the fact that I'm bored with work. My sister, brother-in-law, and niece are here, which is really great... I haven't got to spend much time with them due to the afformentioned job situation, but it's nice nevertheless. I'm still not done Christmas shopping, but hopefully tomorrow will be my last day. Shopping is nuts.
Like I said, I've only been home for a week, but it already seems like an eternity because I'm missing people already. If you don't know who I'm referring to by "people", count yourself lucky. I've talked to people on the phone, but it's a total bummer because things are already different. One week! I just have to keep reminding myself that life goes on and God is going to be by my side no matter what happens. That's not the first thing that pops into my head when I'm bummed out and maybe that's part of the problem right there. Who knows. All I know is that after I got off the phone today the only thing I wanted to do was fly back to Indy. I never thought I'd find myself saying that at all. Freakin Indiana. If I didn't have to go to class it probably wouldn't be as bad... wait a minute... yeah it would. It's Indiana. I love my family though and I am always wanting to come home because normally I have no reason to want to stay... this time is different in that I have a reason to want to stay.
Anyway... all of this to say that prayers would be appreciated. No worries though folks... tomorrow is a new day and I am a new creation. Here's something that gets me through...

"When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus"

Still loving this song... still loving Third Day.

My friends are the greatest...

2005-12-11T18:07:00.000-05:00

I know I've been posting a ton lately, but I wanted to share a fun story with you all. Yesterday I had to work on a group project all day. So at 7:45 when we were done I was crabby and really hungry. Steph was here, so the three of us went out to Applebee's for dinner. We drove separately because my car was already on campus and they met me there to go. On the way I called Trent to see what time he was coming over tonight and he told me to call him when we're coming home. So as we're leaving Steph suggested that we rent a movie. We stopped at Blockbuster and Ash went home. On the way home I called Trent and he didn't answer (which I hate!) so I left a message saying to come over when he got the message.
We pull up to my house and his Jeep is already here. So as Steph and I are walking in the house I'm saying, "thanks for ignoring my call jerk!" I get up the stairs and everyone is wearing birthday hats and screaming happy birthday... Drew is dancing around waving a flag. It was hysterical!
They decorated the house and everything. We had cupcakes and opened presents, and then played games. It so much fun for me!
I've been telling Ashley that she better throw me a party for like a month now... even though my real b-day isn't til the 30th.
So anyway... Thanks to Ash, Steph, Trent, Drew, Megan, and Christy for a fun little birthday party! It was awesome!

Regarding "moving forward"

2005-12-10T03:31:00.000-05:00

About 30 minutes after I posted this my phone rang and I ended up hanging with Trent til 3:30am... again. So I'm not THAT much of a loser tonight. :o)

Moving Forward

2005-12-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

Something I realized about myself tonight is that I get bored way too easily. I haven't spent much time alone lately because I've been hanging out with friends a lot (and by friends I mean Trent of course...) and I just don't enjoy being by myself for long periods of time anymore. I consider myself a very independent person and I've been that way since I was about 16, but something is changing now. Now that all my friends are spread across the country all I want to do is spend time with them. I used to long for time to myself where I didn't have to deal with anyone, but now I just get bored. I say this because my roommate goes home almost every weekend, but up until today there has been someone here to hang with. Either Steph or Trent usually. Not tonight though. In the past I would see this as time to just relax. Not tonight. I'm restless.
Part of it has to do with the fact that Trent was here til 3 this morning and I had to wake up at 7:30 and then go to my internship, then I slept for two hours. Now I'm wide awake and ready with no where to go. It's sad because this is how all of next semster is going to go. This is yet another consquence I face because I insisted on taking a semester off. And the thing is, it's not like I don't have friends on campus because I do... I really like lots of people at IWU, I'm just too lazy to make the effort and to make plans.
One thing is certain though... I'm never completely alone. I think this is going to be an exciting time for God and I and I'm definitely looking forward to that. I totally just 180ed that whole thing, but hey my mind is racing... what do you expect? Plus as I've said a thousand times before, God is faithful... though I'm not all the time. Gotta keep moving forward.

I can't cry out

2005-12-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

Cry Out To Jesus
Verse 1:
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus:
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Verse 2:
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Bridge:
When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

Verse 3:
To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Okay, as you all know I love Third Day. (I know a lot of you don't like them and you know what? I really don't care, so keep your opinion to yourself please.) And I love this song, but sometimes you just can't cry to Jesus. Right now I can't cry to Jesus. I know that every second of our lives is a time we can (as in have the ability to) cry out to Jesus. Why is it when I need Him most I run farther away? For now I'll keep listening to the song... I'll eventually be able to cry out to Jesus. Good thing He's faithful.

The Game of Life

2005-12-03T18:01:00.000-05:00

Winter has moved in... and rather quickly I might add. Not much has gone on this week. It actually flew by for me which is nice. The semester is rapidly coming to a close and I, of course, still have a million things to get done because I'm a procrastinator in the worst way. What can I say? My friends are more important to me than my classes. Yeah, I have senioritis bad.
The topic of what I want to do with my life came up the other day in a conversation and for the first time I was confident in what I want to do. We all know that I'm planning on going to Italy, but I'm going to be honest and say that if something else presented itself (ie. a relationship) I would jump on it. Italy would be amazing and life changing, of that I'm sure, but if I go am I missing something here? I feel like if I go away for a year or two I'm going to miss out on lots of opportunities. Who knows what kind of opportunities, but it doesn't matter. On the other hand, when in my life am I going to have the opportunity to go and live in Italy, assuming that I get married someday? Either way I know that God will be with me. I don't have to make a decision right now or anything, but its just something I've been thinking about. I also know that either way I want to work in a church. Who woulda thought that I would work in a church? I know that I'm being called to use my gifts and they would be put to work in a huge way working in a church.
On a different note we got a real Christmas tree for our apartment and it's beautiful! I love Christmas and everything that comes with this time of year! Speaking of important days in December... my birthday is rapidly approaching. That's right 27 days, my friends! The count down will never cease!
I should be doing homework right now. I should have been doing homework last night too. Oops. Hanging with Trent is more fun. :o) So why am I not doing it tonight? I'm hanging out again. Maybe tomorrow I'll get something done... then again there's church, then the Bears are playing.
Hmmmm... will Christina ever get her work done and graduate? Stay tuned.

"Home" (Naperville) is where my heart is

2005-11-26T22:24:00.000-05:00

Let me just start off by saying I love being at "home". This is truly where my heart is these days. Being away from school has been awesome... it was definitely time for a break. At least a break from class. I'm kinda missin my friends, but I think we all know why.
So, it's Saturday night and for the first time all break I'm relaxing. I've had a blast hanging out with old friends, that's for sure! But it's nice to just chill. My friend, Laura and I were talking about how its so weird that at this time next year our group of friends is going to be not only spread across the country, but across the world. We were looking through old pictures of us in middle/high school and at church and its so wild how much we've grown and changed, not just physically of course. We're so old these days. Most of my friends are married, engaged, or in a seriously relationship thinking about marriage and it's nuts and a huge leap from where we were when we first met. I love coming back here though because walking into friend's houses is like walking into my own home. It's a huge comfort to know that these places where I spent most of my childhood are still going to be here even when I'm gone (as in not in the area anymore).
We were bummed when we were talking about how things used to be and all that, but it's also super exciting and amazing because despite all the changes that we've all gone through we're still friends. We're always going to be friends on some level, especially if we can go 3 years without seeing each other (Rob) and still be cool. This is yet another reason why Christ is amazing and so faithful. He provides for us and then it's in our hands, but as long as He's in our lives, we're good. Make sense? It does to me, so I'm moving on. :o)
Tomorrow I have to make the dreaded drive back to the WU and try to finish up this semester strong. I'm meeting an old high school/IWU friend for coffee before heading back, so maybe that'll give me enough of a boost to get back to school. I'm so not wanting to deal with these next 2 or 3 weeks. Not just the school work, but figuring out friendships and what not. I'm sure it'll be good though... God's got my back.
One a different note I'm totally psyched about decorating my apartment tomorrow night! It's gonna be so fun! Actually I have to wrap this up because I'm helping Liz and Terry set up their tree as soon as Kayla goes to sleep. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

Yay for break!

2005-11-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

So, this past weekend was crazy good times! My brother and dad were in IL for Kayla's b-day and this weekend was the party. It's always a good time when my dad's side gets together. It was just great to have everyone there together... minus my mommy... darn her job.
It's been hectic since last time I wrote. I had two 10 page research papers due this week so that's been keeping me busy. I finished one last week, but the one that was due today I didn't even get printed until about 3 minutes before class. But they're done and I finally feel like I can breathe a little bit. I'm about to head home for break in a few minutes... as soon as my laundry is done and I don't plan on thinking about homework or school for the next 5 days! This break is totally needed right now!
I can't wait to just spend time with my family and friends who I never get to see anymore. Wanna hear something kinda pathetic though? I miss my friends from here already. But I'm sure we'll get through these 5 days just fine without one another.
So, what else did I do this past week other than homework? Not too much really. I spent a lot of time hanging with Trent, I spent a lot of time playing guitar. It was a pretty good week.
I still have a ton of stuff weighing on me, but I've found a way to ignore it for now. I just want to be happy and have fun, so that's what I'm gonna do!
I hope you all have a great break and I'm sure I'll update in a few days when I'm bored.

Oh how I love flying kites and playing some guitar!

2005-11-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

It seems like it's been forever since I wrote on here last. A lot has happened in the past week. Friday night a friend came up and stayed with me, which was fun! Saturday I had new foster parent training at the internship, then Saturday night I hung out with Ash for a while, then Trent. Sunday Steph came and stayed at our place which is always a good time. We just kinda hung around the apartment because we're all poor. Trent came over for a while. Nothing too exciting. Yesterday I spent most of the day working on one of my research papers and got a good portion of it done before Trent and Drew came over last night.
I do have to say that I'm having a blah week. Don't get me wrong I've had lots of fun with all of these people, but it's been hard to be focused because of stuff weighing on my mind. I'm having a rough time with some stuff right now, but I'm trying to just look to God. Doesn't it drive you nuts when you just want to be alone, but everyone else thinks that they have to "fix" you? Sometimes I don't want to be fixed, you know? I want to be able to take something to God and trust that He will be with me without others. It's good to do that. Maybe I just wear my heart on my sleeve too much... something that perhaps I should be working on.
Anyway, on the upside I've been playing guitar a ton more which is always great. I go through droughts, but when they end all I want to do is play and write. It's great. I've been trying to teach Trent guitar and usually when I teach someone I end up not wanting to play because I get sick of it, but this time is different. I'm actually having fun and enjoying myself.
Funny story time... last week it was super windy and what is more fun on a windy day than flying a kite?? Nothing! So I decided that I had to find a kite. We went to Walmart and the people practically laughed at me because they are out of season. But was I going to give up that easy? Nope! I bought the stuff I thought I needed to build a kite. It couldn't be that hard right? So with my dowel rods, string, tape, and a garbage bag Trent, me, and ashley built a kite. Trent and I secured the bag on with tape and off we went to Matter Park to try and get it to fly. Needless to say it never got more than 3 feet off the ground... UNTIL this crazy guy started running towards us saying that he could help because he is a kite designer. A kite designer? What the heck?! So this guy helped us tie our string differently and added some weight to the tail and the kite actually flew! For about 5 seconds. (hey it was better than the first couple of tries!) All in all it was a very funny time. And Ashley thought it was going to be dumb. Being spontaneous is fun and I highly recommend it to all!
I've decided that I need to be having fun and doing random things like that now. In five months I'm going to be out of school (hopefully) and into the real world where I'm going to have to be serious for the rest of my life. So why not fly a kite? Why not go to Walmart and goof around and buy a Christmas CD in November? Why not be weird and goofy??
So anyways... another thing really quickly. Be supportive of your friends. Even if they talk about the same thing all the freaking time. You never know how deeply something could be affecting them and by blowing it off you could potentially be hurting them worse. Being a good friend sometimes means hearing the same junk over and over. Sometimes it just means that you offer an ear even when they don't really want to talk about it.
That's it from me. I gotta cut out early... I got some stuff I gotta do. (this is a quote from School of Rock, if you didn't know... you should!)

Drama, drama, drama

2005-11-09T23:26:00.000-05:00

I need to start off by saying happy birthday to my niece Kayla! She is 1 year old today!!! To think that it's been a year since she was born is nuts. She's an amazing addition to our family and I love her with everything I've got.
In other news... my little brother, Vincent is in Naperville right now as we speak (as I type, as you read) and all I want to do is leave school and go see him. Knowing that he is a mere 4 hour drive away kills me because I don't get to spend that much time with him. I can't do this though because the rest of my week involves 2 major tests and two 10 page research papers... none of which I've started to do anything for. You might be asking yourself how I've gotten so far behind. Well the answer is simple: I hate school with a passion. I'm having much more fun hanging out with friends and spending time with people I won't see after Christmas than I would be if I was doing work. Now you're probably thinking that I just have one more semester after this one and you are correct, but all I can see right now is the day ahead of me. Graduation is 5 months away, but I think I've given up. I'm not an intellectual type who loves school. I love being social and having fun when everyone else is having fun. The things in my life that are going to matter are going to be the intereactions I had with others.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not dumb and I realize that by being at school I'm glorifying God in my work, but just give me this on right now. Most of you who read this are done with school or about to be done so you all know what it feels like to just want to quit... just want to be done. That's where I'm at. Maybe tomorrow it'll change, though probably not. I have a way of being dramatic, especially when I'm tired after spending 6 hours in a HOT tv studio all the while knowing that I could be hanging out with one of my favorite people right now.
Anyway... life goes on. Those that are the praying type could pray for my focus so that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up, study and take one of my tests and knock out 8 or 9 pages of one of my papers. I sure hope a lot of you are the praying type!

Do you have an alter?

2005-11-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

I know that I've always been a little obsessed with Third Day, but this new album is absolutely incredible. The lyrics... the music... Mac Powell's voice... all of it is amazing. I definitely recommend it to anyone and everyone. Music is a huge part of my life and I rarely fall in love with an entire album because I'm pretty criticle, but I sat down and listened to it in it's entirety and was blown away. Please don't take my word for it though. Go out and get a copy.
Anyway, enough of that. For those of you who are faithful blog readers you probably noticed that I deleted my last entry. If you read it, I'm sorry for you... if not, great. I read over it and decided it was too personal and I need to do a better job of watching what I write.
But I do have some good news, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to geico. Ok, maybe not, but I did pass my CLEP test by a lot which means that next semester I only have to take 7 hours of class to graduate. Amazing! I can't wait for this semester to be over so I can relax. There's only like five more weeks of class before finals... including Thanksgiving week! Whoa... it's definitely time to get serious about school work, don't you think?
I have more exciting news... my daddy and little brother, Vincent are coming out this way in about a week for my niece's first birthday! I'm super excited to see them. It'll be a good refresher to get me through the end of this semester. By the way, for those of you graduating in December... you suck and I'm totally jealous. Don't leave me here!
So anyway, my best friend since I was 9 is moving across the country tomorrow and I'm totally bummed about that because I won't get to see her. But I'm also excited for her... she's ambitious and I'm sure she'll do great things out there.
On a different note I heard a sermon this past weekend and it stuck with me. It was about having your own alter to God. Is there a place, a quiet place where you know you can always go to talk to God? Not your bed, not even your church or prayer chapel, but just a place where you can meet with God with no distractions? The pastor told a story of a friend of his who was at a different church for a week as a guest pastor. In preparing for his sermon he went to use the regular pastor's office in hopes of using his books and and other resources. When he got to the office he didn't find the books that are common to most pastor's offices... he found nothing. Well, he began to wonder how a pastor could write a successful, meaningful sermon without any resources. So he went and opened up the closest and not only were all of the books he was expecting to find there, but he found a little alter. There in the carpet were two well-worn spots where the pastor had obviously spent hours before the Lord. This brought him to his knees because he realized that he had been putting to much emphasis on other resources and not enough on God, the ultimate resource.
So, do you have an alter? A little place where you can meet with God without the distractions of this world? I think it's a great idea. It forces you to go seek God instead of just being lazy and expecting God to come to you. Good stuff.
That's it from me, kids. Have a great day!

To Live is Christ

2005-10-27T10:27:00.000-05:00

I still haven't figured things out yet, but I don't feel like I have to right now. What I have to do is be content and learn to be satisfied because everything is perfect in God's timing. To be in God's will for my life means trusting Him because whatever decision I make He's going to be walking with me, so I just have to remember that. Keeping that in the front of my mind is what's really helped me since me last blog or should I say little rant where I freaked out??
Anyway, there's always going to be something in my way and those are things I need to be allowing God to help me with. I always try to do stuff on my own and as you all probably know... it NEVER works. I'm just starting this amazing bible study by Beth Moore (Ladies, if you don't know her, you need to). It's about the life and ministry of Paul and what it means to live as Christ and of course, it just great. Beth is a southern girl (Baptist, which is sometimes hard to swallow, but well worth it), but she has a heart for God and serving others. I highly recommend all of her books and bible studies. They are very intense and take some time, but they're good. So there's a little plug for that.
What I think I'm getting at (in a round-about way) is that God always finds a way into your situations, even if you don't want to let Him. He's going to allow you to be stressed and impatient, to get angry and be frustrated because the moment you come to Him for help He is glorified. Making any sense? Once again this is obvious stuff and I knew it before, but it's being revealed in a new way. God is faithful.
So anyway, this isn't to say that life is perfect and that I'm not frustrated or angry, but remembering this has for sure been a help. I am always going to have things and certain people in my life that frustrate me, make me mad, and stress me out because we're human and we live in an imperfect world, so it's to be expected.
Just one thing, really quick, I promise. Don't be fake. Don't think that you are being sneaky when it's obvious you have impure motives. Don't act high and mighty or holier-than-thou because I can see right through it and so can everyone else. There's nothing worse than a self-righteous person. Strive to actually be Christ-like and stop pretending. People will always be able to call you out.

Here's the thing

2005-10-23T02:09:00.000-05:00

There's so much I want to write about right now... I can't get a single thought out because my mind is racing. Being analytical can be such a curse. I just want to know what is going on. I hate feeling like I'm in the dark. I hate being unsure. So if you hadn't figured it out yet, that whole being "confused in a good way" thing is still there, but it's not as fun anymore. I just want to know. I want to be sure. If I don't know one thing, it effects all other aspects of my life. It's like one thing determines everything right now, but that one thing isn't the thing that should be determining anything. I've been really happy with that thing that's been determining stuff, which is part of the problem.
And now you're confused. I'm gonna try and get some sleep and maybe, just maybe my thoughts will be clear tomorrow.

One of those things I hate doing, but do anyway because I'm a procrastinator in the worst way!

2005-10-15T17:58:00.000-05:00

My friend Mike sent this to me and "tagged" me to do one for you all. So here goes a little survey for your viewing pleasure. Hope you enjoy!
PS - if your name is at the bottom, you need to do one too...you've been "tagged"
10 years ago- I was 12 years old in 7th grade at Gregory Middle School. My family still lived in the Ashbury neighborhood in good old Naperville, IL. I was definitely hanging out with my best friends Michelle and Carley at that time. (BTW we're still best friends, plus Stacy). We were getting into and causing all kinds of trouble back then, but we really enjoyed ourselves. This is when I wanted to be just like my older sister, but she was in high school and much too cool for me. I also hung out with my little brother a lot. He and his friends were all about football, baseball, and hockey and I was much better than them so I liked hanging out with them.
5 years ago- Let's see... 5 years ago I was a senior in high school and having the time of my life with the best group of friends I could ask for. I was leading worship with John Dudich at church and loving every minute of it. WSUMC was a huge part of my life and became my family when my parents moved to Arizona. They were gracious enough to let me finish high school with my friends, something I will always be grateful for. I also led FCS (Fellowship of Christian Students) along with John and my favorite teacher ever, Mr. Rim. I loved every minute of senior year, even the rough times. I grew in Christ and as a person a ton that year.
1 year ago- A year ago I was in my first senior year here at IWU. It was a rough year for all of us. It seemed like there was a lot of drama, but through that drama my friendship with Ashley and Stephanie got even stronger. We were just starting the IWU Democrats and that was a huge deal then too. My niece, Kayla was born premature and it was an emotional time at first, but she's a beautiful, healthy little girl and I love her with all my heart. My friend Mike moved into my parents house to go to school for 8 months which made Christmas break a fun time. I got to record a song I'd written and one other song. I really grew from that. Mike helped me learn how to be more confident with myself and for that I'm grateful. :o) I got to record over Spring break too which was awesome, but it was a rough week that caused a lot of pain between my best friend and I. Something we never want to deal with again.
Yesterday- I went to my one class, took care of some business on campus, cleaned my house because Blake is staying here this weekend, played on my new Apple iBook, did some stuff for work, went out to dinner with my best friend, and hung with Blake for a few minutes when he got here (it was almost 1am).
10 Songs I know all the words to: Wow... just ten? Like Mike, I'm gonna have to put some artists down: Caedmon's Call, Third Day, Jennifer Knapp, John Mayer, Jars of Clay, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Beach Boys, The Beatles... basically any music I've ever listened too.
5 things I'd do with a $100 Million:
First I'd have to pay off all my loans
Pay a doctor to find a cure for my dad
Missions work
Put a lot of it in savings
Buy my house in Italy and travel the world
5 places to run away to:
Italy
Phoenix
Naperville
Stacy's house
Any one of my friend's houses, really
5 things I should/would never wear:
plaid
bangs
spandex pants (yeah for 2-4 grade!)
a hoop in my nose piercing
butch sandals (if you don't know, thats a good thing. they totally creep me out)
5 favorite TV shows (as of right now):
Boy Meets World (of course!)
Lost
Survivor
Will & Grace
Friends
5 joys:
Jesus Christ
Family
Friends
Guitar (music in general)
knowing that I only have 5 and half months of school left!
5 favorite toys:
my new Apple iBook
TayBo (my guitar)
Camera (I'm a picture freak!)
Cell Phone
Chrishelle (my car)
5 things I cannot stand:
When people think they are always right... about everything. They just can't be wrong and will argue until you want to punch them in the face.
closedminded people
one-sided friendships
people with an agenda in a friendship, or bad motives (always scheming to get something they want)
snobs!
People I have tagged for doing this next:
Stepanie Beach (get a blog already!)
Aaron Combs
Blake Chastain
Jolla

Oh what a break it was!

2005-10-12T17:17:00.000-05:00

The weekend has come and gone and now it's Wednesday already. I've been thinking about this coming weekend since Sunday night. :o) Can you tell I'm a senior? Anyway this weekend was deifinitely what I needed. Friday night I got to hang out with a really cool guy, then we hooked up with some of his friends and went out for a while before coming back here to play games.
I planned on spending Saturday alone, and I did for the most part. I cleaned my house and then I left Marion for a few hours and went shopping, which was awesome! I spent money I didn't really have, but I rationalized it really well for myself. I came home and ate some dinner and just planned on watching TV and doing nothing! Then my phone rang. So much for my night alone, but I didn't mind at all. So, he and I tried to see the movie playing at the school, but we were a few minutes too late, so we rented a movie and came back to my place to watch it. We hung out until about 2, I think. Sunday I talked on the phone a lot, straightened my room up (it was really bad!), and then went to a movie with my roommate and her mommy.
Overall I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I really needed it, that's for sure. This week has already proved to be about a hundred times better than last week.
Anyway, enough of the details on my life. Onto more important things. I've recently had a few conversations about what it means to qualify to be a pastor's wife and may I just say that people from the IWU community have an incredibly skewed view. Not everyone, but many. Now, let me just say that I'm not necessarily planning on marrying a pastor, although I wouldn't object to it by any means. I just really feel like people have these expectations on what a pastor's wife should be like. If she shows faults now, it wouldn't be a good idea to stay with her. If she lets a curse word roll off her tongue, you better think things through. If she doesn't act like she's perfect, better make sure you teach her to. This is all based on observations. I just think that for a place that stresses Christ's love, IWU doesn't do a good job at teaching forgiveness. I don't like that (some) people write others off because of their past or what they're going through.
This isn't to say that one should settle because I'm definitely not for that, I just think it's time for people to step down off of their high horses. Be real. Learn what it really means live as Christ. (I'm still learning.)
Writing something like this I realize that I'm making myself completely vulnerable, not something I like to do. Sometimes when you want to give your opinion or thoughts on something, you run that risk.
I love hearing what you think about my little rants, so let me know!

I need a break!!

2005-10-07T15:07:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you need a break from life? That's kinda how this week has gone for me. A lot of good has gone on and I still feel just blah. It's just little things you know? Like having something scheduled that you hold at highest importance... only to find that the other people involved don't care as much so it doesn't get done out of pure laziness. Or having old crap brought up that you never wanted to deal with again because it wasn't a good time in your life. OR like when a "friend" doesn't keep in contact or if they do it's because they have ulterior motives. These little things drive me nuts. I hate finding out/remembering people's flaws. It's not fun times. I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I'm for sure far from it.
One thing I just wanna lay out there right now is that I HATE when people act like they're your friend, but don't hold up their end. Onesided friendships are a huge pet peeve and I have no place for them in my life. There are just some people who come back into my life simply becaue they want to get ahold of someone else. Or sometimes people that I'm "friends" with don't want to make time for me, but only my other friends that they think they know, but really don't. The whole ulterior motives thing. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me.
This is why I feel like I need a break from life. I just want to be able to do nothing. Not have to worry about school (which is, by the way, really bogging me down), not have to worry about friends and the annoying things they are doing. I just want to relax. I feel like I haven't been able to be me because there's so much else going on.
This weekend is going to be a good time I think. For the first time in a long time I'll be alone (no worries folks, I do have plans, just not ALL weekend). I've been going home so much and then when I'm not home we have people here (which I really do love, Beach), so it hasn't left much "me" time.
I don't want to sound down because I really am a happy person and I have joy in my life, God is here and He is good. There really is so much good going on, I've just been too stressed to realize it. The whole "getting to know someone better" thing is going well and I'm enjoying that. God is speaking even when I'm not listening real closely. Praise Him for His persistence in my life.
Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend and find some time to relax and just enjoy yourself. Much love!