Death was a loomin'
Last week Wednesday a member of the congregation at my church was killed in a car accident. He was 75 years old and a very funny, sweet old man. Two of his grandkids are of youth group age. The older one is very independent and likes to do things on her own. She doesn't like to be bothered by other people, but I love her independent attitude. The younger one is really sweet and I actually didn't meet him til I was subbing last fall. I introduced myself to him during school and now he's most likely coming on the mission trip... 9 months later. Kinda cool, right? I thought so. So anyways, these kids have experienced a ton of loss in their lives lately. They are in a broken home and even though things appear fine on the surface, they are dealing with a lot. Then there was another death in their family, merely months ago. It's hitting them all really hard.
Thursday night I went to the Maundy-Thursday service at church. It was beautiful. And painful. Pastor, me, and another lady from church "stripped" the alter and then covered the cross with a black cloth. Stripping the alter means taking everything down. Candles and everything. Wheatland Salem UM in Naperville always did this during Good Friday service and it became my favorite service of the year there. We do this to symbolize the death of Christ on the cross and then on Easter morning the alter is covered in bright cloths and gorgeous flowers. It's so triumphant.
Anyways... so Maundy-Thursday really got to me. Like Good Friday usually does. I'm so deeply reminded of the suffering and distress on one Man to save me. Death has always affected me quite a bit. I've lost a lot of people that were close to me. All of my grandparents are gone, friends, and other family. It's something that I have a hard time with because the realization of where we're spending eternity always comes to mind now.
Moving on... so, friday was the wake for the man who passed away and I decided that I needed to go if nothing else than to show the kids I really care about them. Well as you can imagine, I'm not a fan of funerals or wakes. (the last wake I went to was for an 18 month old baby who was killed as a result of shaken baby syndrome and it was something I hope to never experience again. I had never met the kid. He was the grand-baby of an acquaintance and I was there to support her and my best friend. I cried more at that wake and immediately following than I care to think about. It was gut-wrenching.) So my last experience was a bad one, to say the least. But I had to be there. It was amazing... I stood in line for an hour and a half just to make it up to hug the widow and her family. There were so many people there and they were laughing and telling stories and holding each other up, it was just awesome. Most other deaths I've experienced were all focused on the actual loss and this seemed to be focused on the life. It was great. I got to see my kids and hug them and talk with them just for a few, but it was enough.
I got through the line and left there at about 7 which is exactly when Good Friday service was starting at my church. So I rushed over to the church from the funeral home and was only about 5 minutes late for service. Again, the mood went to somber. The cross was still covered with the black cloth and the few people that showed up sat in silence. I took communion and sat back in my pew, bowed my head, and prayed. I couldn't do anything but that. The service ended in silence like the night before. Even though I say it's my favorite service of the year (because it is) it's one that I only like to experience once a year. It's like watching the Passion. Sometimes you just have to see it. Sometimes it's just a reminder, sometimes it's convicting, mostly it's love though.
The thought of Christ on the cross pains me. I went to Catholic mass earlier this month and I just did not enjoying seeing Jesus on the cross everywhere I looked. I grew up with that but that's not the end folks! He died so that death wouldn't be the end... so that for all eternity we can be with our Creator. It's amazing, really.
All this to say that this past week with death looming over it was tough. I'm so glad that it end with a victory. The new week starts with the greatest defeat in history. It's pretty sweet, right? You know it.
I'll leave you with one of my favorite band's best songs! I've Always Loved You by Third Day.
I don't know how to explain it
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away
I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
And I always willGreater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm gonna do for you
Total Surrender
Well when I last updated I was clearly being dramatic and... well I was being a girl. And that's okay sometimes... because this is my release and then I'm good.
I do want to clear up my status though... not that I have to prove anything to anyone, but I'd like you all to know that I'm doing well and that all is not lost. As I read back over the things I was thinking merely two weeks ago I can't help but think how hopeless it sounded. How whiny, how annoying, really. Yes, some of the feelings were valid and I was feeling burnt out, but in all that, never abandoned by God. More like I did the abandoning.
Anyways, something I've been learning lately is total surrender to God. When you live a life that is totally surrendered to God, you will be blessed for that.
Prayer has been a difficult task for me lately... mostly because of laziness because I always intend to pray. This isn't to say that I'm never in prayer, but it's something that I have to consciously think about doing and setting aside time for. And I think that's okay too. In my relationships with other people I consciously set aside time to call people or spend time with friends, so it works the same in my relationship with Christ.
I think that I've been allowing myself to let prayer slide because I've been afraid of some answers I might get, as if I should even claim to know so much about the Lord that I can predict such a thing.
So back to this total surrender thing. Every morning when I wake up I make the choice to follow Christ. It's not forced on me, it's my choice. How could I choose anything less? Somedays it would be easier to follow the world, but to follow Christ is the greatest choice I've ever made. I believe that I've been called to be a daughter and follower of Christ and that is my most important role in this life. I want to do nothing more than exemplify Christ in all that I do, not to gain recognition for myself, but for the glory of the Kingdom. In My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers the devo on March 12th really spoke to me. Many of you have it handy, so check it out. If you don't, ask.
I've got to get out of the mindset of playing the victim in life. Total surrender. I am surrounded by married people. Most of my best friends are married or getting married this summer. They have husbands and wives of their own and in most situations in my life lately I end up being the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th, and 11th wheel. As fun as that may sound... uh no, actually it doesn't sound fun does it? I love my friends and I love their spouses. It's great to be back around friends I didn't get to see but on breaks during college. My group of high school friends was a pretty close-knit group. I mean, we did school, choir, worship team, church, trips, everything together. It was rare that there was a day or night when we didn't see each other for one thing or another if not just to hang out. I loved those times. They were like my family since mine was in AZ for the last two and half years of high school.
So what's the prob? If I love all these people so much (and I do!), why is this such a big deal? Welp mainly because it has become easy for me to feel left out. Just because at the end of the day everyone gets to go home and hang out with their best friend and I get to go home and hang out with... me. (I know you're thinking "What could be better?" well, touche). Total surrender. It's okay for me to be sad sometimes. And the Lord uses my friends and their spouses to teach me all the things I do and don't want to do in my marriage someday. I've actually learned a lot... hehe.
One thing (this is totally off the subject) is that I never want to be boring. I never want to be satisfied with going out to dinner being the most exciting thing I can think of to do. Seriously, all some people want to do is go out to eat and talk and that's okay sometimes because I really do have the ability to have adult conversation, but... My idea of fun is not spending lots of money on food and hours just sitting there when there are so many other things to do. With a group as big as we usually have we could play some fun games, go to a sporting event, go skating, go karaoke-ing, go geocaching, go hiking, I mean... anything really.
I realize that someone is going to read this and take it personally. Calm down, I always have fun when I'm out with my friends, this is just for me. And it's no one in-particular... it's just the married way, I guess. Yikes.
Total surrender. "Being delivered from sin and being made holy are the result of being right with God, but surrender resulting from this kind of thinking is certainly not the true nature of Christianity. Our motive for surrender should not be for any personal gain at all." "Gaining heaven, being delivered from sin, and being made useful to God are things that should never even be a consideration in real surrender. Genuine personal surrender is a sovereign preference for Jesus Christ Himself."
So this was a little A.D.D., but that's what happens on little sleep. So I'm only working two days this week and that is fabulous. Hope you all have a happy Easter. :)
This is one of my faves this time of year.
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Brought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
Take My Life
Take My Life by Third Day
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.
My Sunset
This is ridiculously long. You've been warned.
Where is God? This is something I've been asking myself for weeks now. I'm in a bible study type thing with two awesome girls and every two weeks I'm asked the question, what is God teaching you? I'm always able to come up with an answer, but it's really generic and I know this, but I must be able to fool others. What is God teaching me? Right now it seems like God is teaching me nothing... like He's not even here, nor does he have anything to do with my life. What? But you're a "youth pastor"... how can you say that? It's so EASY for me to say that right now.
This has been a long time coming... I'm broken. I'm burnt out and I can't handle how things in my life seem to be falling apart. Where is Jesus when I'm hurting? Silent. Where is the Spirit when I don't understand? Dormant. Where is God when I need to be held like a child? Seemingly absent. There are so many people around me with problems I can't even fathom, but right now I need to think about me... for the first time in a while I need to handle things I've put on the back burner.
Incase you didn't know this about me... I'm a people pleaser. As independent as I am and even though I usually give off an attitude that I don't go by what other people say, I totally do. I've done nothing but make decisions based on the lives of everyone around me for the past 25 years. I believe that where I'm at is a direct result of my need to please everyone. So that got me thinking... am I a youth pastor because I wanted to make someone else happy or proud? Am I living in this cushy house for someone else's sake? Did I just quit my job because in other people's eyes I "should" be doing something better? The sad thing is... I don't know the answer to these questions. Well, actually what's even sadder is that I do.
However, now that I'm here because of my inability to think for myself or have a life of my own, I've got to do something about it. Right? You'd think. As discontented as I am, I think I'm content being discontent. I've been thriving on "whoa is me" for weeks, maybe months now.
I can't be held down anymore. I've got to just go. The fact that I was tied down to a job that choked me to death everyday definitely didn't help suppress these thoughts. So now that I've quit I've been trying to think about where I'm going to go next or what I'm going to do now. I don't care about the money because I hate money, although my bills are piling up around me everyday. I don't want to limit myself anymore because I may miss out on this or that. I can't sit around waiting for things to fall into my lap. I don't want to be content with my discontentment anymore. It's such a dark and ugly place.
So now what? Well first I've got to find God. How do I even do that? My name should be Thomas these days because I doubt more than the man, himself. I'm full of doubt and fear. I can't be calm when thinking about my future because I've got 800 different opinions flying at me along with the ideas I've always had in my head about how my life should look by now, at 25. I'm surrounded by people who have it all (seemingly) figured out. They're married and thinking about kids, or married and have great jobs that they love, or they're single, but they've got a plan and they're sticking to it and moving forward. I can't do that. I can't move forward, though the title of this blog would suggest I can. I'm stuck in a rut. It's deep.
How can I get out of living my life for other people and their approval. When will I get passed thinking that if I don't do a certain thing I'm going to miss out on something else? AND where is Jesus in all of this? Why do I feel abandoned?
Logic would tell me that the Lord has never once left my side, but I've been trying to move ahead without Him. That I'm not abandoned, but I'm not allowing God to speak... or move, for that matter. I understand that. That, to me, is a fact. There's a difference in fact and feeling. I know I love my friends and family, but I don't always feel it. You know? Sometimes you NEED to feel something, not just know it. I know that I'm loved and I mean a lot to a lot of people, but sometimes I just need to feel that... I need that to be translated from fact to feeling. We all do. We're human.
All of that to say that I'm scared right now. I'm scared that if I move on I'm going to be missing out on something. I'm also scared that if I don't, I'm going to miss something. I know I've got to be adamant about seeking God. I know I've got to break down the walls I've built. I know I've got to make Him my number one focus. I don't need to be told how important my relationship with God is. Believe me, I know. It's been second to a lot of things lately... and in fact, I realize that its probably why I'm sitting here right now, tonight, in the rut I'm in. Why prayer seems so hard because who wants to talk to someone they don't know very well? Why I can't seem to lift my hands to my God even though that's all I need to do.
I've been talking about my ministry lately and how it's so important to me... and it is. But I've come to realize that I'm looking for it to be some amazing huge thing when really it can be a small amazing thing. AND how can I expect an awesome ministry when I don't care too much to deal with the Creator?
Last night I was driving home from work and I was super stressed because I had never quit a job before in my life and I was worried about what everyone else was going to think. Then I made myself mad because I realized I shouldn't be THAT worried about what everyone else was going to think... I should be turning to God and trying to figure stuff out. Well of course I chose to not do that. Instead I picked up my phone and tried calling a couple people. Instead of turning to God. No one answered and I was pretty frustrated. I just wanted to unload on someone.
I live almost directly west of where I work and the days have been pretty cloudy for what seems like forever now. Well last night the sun, after being hidden by the clouds all day, was making an appearance just before it set. But the light was only shining over a small area. As I got closer to Plano I could see that the light was directly over the little town I call home right now. The sky was dark everywhere else around me, but as I worked on getting home all I could see was a collage of oranges, pinks, reds, yellows, and purples. It was the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen in my life. It was perfect... and it was for me. It was God's way of showing me that He really is here. That He really does have something for me here in Plano. I just wanted it to last forever because basking in the light of the Lord, well there's nothing like it. If I could paint really well I'd definitely take the time to sit and try and recreate what I experienced yesterday. I really want to bask in the Light forever.
As much as I'm stuck in this rut right now it's awesome that God found a way to remind me of His love. I think He always will. I just need to be better at keeping an eye out.
That really just sounded like everything is peachy now and it's not... it's far from it actually, but I've got to cling to something. or I'd fall... much harder than I already have.
I've been working on a song for the last few months and normally I keep stuff I've written private because that's how I roll. Usually it's just for me and God. I try and write about what I believe because it's so important to who I am. Here's the first verse and also the bridge.
Verse 1
"I'll cry when you want to but can't.
I'll pray when your hands are too heavy to lift.
I'll hold you up when your body fails you.
I'll love you when you just can't...
Bridge
//Two are better than one.
When you fall I'll pick you up.//"
I'm not putting it all on here because it's special and I need it to still be just mine and the Lord's for now, but it's the cry of my heart for myself and for some of my friends. We've got to hold each other up and I will do all those things verse one says... yeah, I'll even cry. (yikes!)
