past hurts
Hey ya'll! Today is such a beautiful day outside. The sun has been shinning all day! My car was even kinda hot when I got in it after running some errands. Good stuff! I really do like winter a lot, but I'm ready for more sun.
So yesterday as I was driving to work I was listening to this morning show on Kiss FM. I normally listen to a book of the bible on my way, but for whatever reason my radio was on Kiss FM from the night before. They were doing a segment called "the friends zone" so I thought they'd be talking about bffs and other fun things. Stupid me, I should have known that they were talking about guy/girl friendships and how at some point feelings develop for at least one of the two. All of these people kept calling in to express the hurt that they're feeling or have felt because of a friendship with a guy or girl that they've fallen in love with. Some of these people thought the radio would be a great place for a mental break down. But it was interesting to hear all of the different stories and how they were handled. This one guy had a girl that had been his best friend for like 4 years. Over time he developed more than friendly feelings for her and things got rough. He tried to keep it to himself and even when she would date other people, he didn't care. He had it in the back of his mind that she would wake up and realize that the perfect guy was right in front of her. Well she never did because she's not a mind reader and he kept it to himself. She's now getting married and he was talking about how he can't loose her and blah, blah, blah.
It was so sad to hear all the different stories. There were so many of them too! A couple of the people said they told the other person how they felt and when the feelings weren't the same, it was hard, but they moved on and stayed bffs. Some of the time when the feelings weren't the same they lost the friendship because one or both of them were too awkward. Some of the time the two ended up together because they realized that best friends are the people you marry.
My thoughts on this were that if you have a true, real friendship with someone you won't loose them as a friend because of your honesty. But I also was thinking about all the hurt that these people were expressing. This one girl called in and said that things had gone bad with her best guy friend years ago. They're not really friends now, plus she now has a complex about getting close to guys.
So, what I want to talk about right now is past hurts. Everyone experiences things in their lives that they wish they didn't have to. Loosing a friend is one of the hardest things, especially if it's for a dumb reason. Telling someone how you feel about them and not having it reciprocated is also killer. I'm sure there are people in your past that you were great friends with, but one little thing went wrong or something happened and now you don't even talk anymore. One thing came between you and that little thing prevents any kind of friendship or relationship.
Some times these things prevent us from moving forward in that area of our lives. You've been hurt by this kind of person once, so never again will you consider something like that. This is all very vague and I know that, but I don't really have anything real specific to myself. I have a friendship that is dead. He was my best friend for a little while. The whole one liking the other came up a couple times, at different times which was the problem, but that's not why the friendship is dead because that was years before it ended.
It's so hard to give so much of yourself to one person... even when your bff is someone of the same gender because self-disclosure takes a lot of trust and if that trust has ever been broken by anyone in your life you're always gonna remember that. Forgiveness doesn't always mean something's forgotten.
I don't know. I just know that so many people have things that have happened to them in their past and they're allowing those things to hold them back, to keep them from moving forward. Don't be afraid to love even if you've been crushed because of it. Don't be afraid to be a best friend... even if you've been slighted before. Not everyone's the same. I'm not saying that you won't get hurt again because I can't control that, but I know that it's worth moving on. This is for me too, not just you. And it's not just about relationships, but about friendships too.
Things are always going to come up that remind you of a time you were hurt. Hurting is allowed, being upset is allowed, yelling is allowed. I think it's so important to work through things even if it's by yourself, but best with God. Allow Him to heal you. Trust the Father to hold you. Work it out so that you can move on.
Wow, does that not sound like I know it all or what? Well I don't (by far!), but this is a good place to remind myself. Alright, enough of the mushy stuff...
I'm having friends over tonight for a dinner/game night and I'm really excited! It's all married people plus me, so I'm like the 11th wheel, but it should still be fun! Tomorrow night I'm heading into the city to hear John and Ben play a show and I'm pretty pumped about that too. Oh! I've been playing guitar a lot more these days and I finally finished a song I started in like November! Yahoo for that. K, peace out!
Search, Seek, Find
So for part of the day today we movie hopped. First we saw Juno. I loved it. It was so real. It was something that would happen and I could see it happening in just that way to any kid. I also think it had a really good message, aside from the random sex that caused the whole ordeal in the first place. The actors did a fabulous job and the music cracked me up. It probably has one of the most random soundtracks I've ever heard.
The second movie we saw was No Country for Old Men. Again, the acting was superb, but the movie itself was a let down. It was a man hunting man type movie with no real purpose and no real end. I hate movies that end and I'm sitting there waiting for closure. It wasn't like you could assume what happens after it ends either... there are a million different ways it could go.
Both are Oscar nominated, but I'm thinkin that other than the acting and maybe some camera work in No Country, it wasn't that spectacular. Juno was artsy when it came to some cool camera angles. The acting was so real it's kinda scary. It was just so different. I guess realistically you can't compare the two, but it was just interesting to see how the Academy chooses such different movies. Differently made, differently performed. You know.
I've been really trying to look for God in everything recently. That sounds a little flower-child like, I know. I'm all about attention to detail, I'm all about trying to apply things to my relationship with God. I love just searching for Him. It seems like if I really focus on searching for Him all day He is so much more evident. Who know, right? Seems pretty obvious and self-explanatory, yeah? I don't know. I've just got to search for God. I've got to make that a priority. How can I ever expect to know more about Him if I just sit idly by? Can I ever be content in knowing what I know now? I don't think so. I think I'd be lost. Complacency is so dangerous.
I love thinking about things in terms of the Lord. It's just amazing. Sometimes it's hard though and sometimes there are things that make me want to scream because I can't understand them at the moment. Eventually I understand them and find a way to praise Him even in the hard things. Somethings I still haven't be able to understand, but I'm looking forward to a lesson someday.
Anyways, so as I'm watching these movies I'm trying to think of what I can learn about God. Well... let's just say that not everything can be a lesson, especially in fiction! But it's an interesting way to try and see things.
I just want to encourage you to seek god in ALL you do. Initiate a deeper relationship and seek to know Him deeper than you do now. It's like any other friendship or relationship... you usually get to know each other better because as time rolls on you divulge more about yourself thus self-disclosure happens, trust builds and you grow. Aspire to grow in the Lord. Ask the Spirit for some discernment. Sometimes you just gotta do. Take action. Go.
The poor will eat and be satisfied.All who seek the Lord will praise him.Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy. Psalm 22:26
The humble will see their God at work and be glad.Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged. Psalm 69:32
Search for the Lord and for his strength;continually seek him. Psalm 105:4
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10
I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. Psalm 119:10
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
A Greater Love
I did something tonight that I never wanted to do... I never thought I'd do. I planned a lesson for youth group around 1 Corinthians 13. I'm kinda sick of that chapter being used so often in reference with weddings. I decided though, that I wanted to talk about love since tomorrow is Valentine's Day... not humanly love, Godly love. Unconditional love. Loving each other the way that God loves us. I talked a little bit about Paul and his history. I reminded them of the fact that 1 Corinthians is a letter to the people of Corinth from Paul offering them guidelines on how to live as a Christian in a pagan and corrupt society. Paul reminds the people that without love everything is meaningless. Also that the things of this earth will fall away and disappear, but love lasts forever.
We defined love. A lot of the words they used to describe love were right out of the chapter. We also talked about humanly love, brotherly love. I wanted to talk about how tomorrow is such a fun day whether you get flowers and candy or not. It's fun because we can use it as another excuse to praise God for the great love He has shown us. V-day is a day when many single people choose to sulk and have pity parties. They watch sappy movies, eat insane amounts of chocolate, wear their pjs, and avoid leaving the house... because apparently not being single is a status symbol. Well I wanted to get across that that's bull. That side of valentine's day is so man made it's crazy. As Christians we should be living every single day with love for our brothers and sisters. I think being grateful to the Lord is showing that everyday you care enough to tell someone what Jesus has done for you. How can we not shout out the greatest love story there is?
I don't know... that's the gist I s'pose. An update is in order...
Last Friday I went on a jr high purity retreat with Trent and his youth. We went down to someone's lake house for the weekend. I was supposed lead worship and to have prepared a talk to give to the kids. Well my talk didn't go as planned... mainly because it wasn't planned. I was busy as heck and just didn't take the time to prepare much. (excuses, excuses) But the Lord still works even in my failures and I trust that someone got something out of what I did say. (It wasn't about me, but about God anyways) Other than that though, the weekend went well I thought. I had fun times and I really like the kids he has. I really think they have a lot of potential and I'm excited to see how things play out in the future. I'm hoping to go down for jr high youth group in a couple weeks when I have a three day weekend.
Last night I started a little bible study group with two awesome ladies and I'm really excited for times of fellowship and learning more about God. I find myself being lazy a lot about being in the Word consistently, so I'm pretty pumped about being held accountable a little more. One thing we're going to do is talk about what God is teaching us at the present time, which is a great thing because that means we have to all come to the Lord with expectancy everyday... and not just be content to skim over something we've read a hundred times. I want, nay, need to delve deeper. I've recently started a study of King David on my own and so far so good.
Moving on. I'm looking forward to a weekend with one of my favorite people from IWU ever! I can't wait to hang with Beach! I'm also excited about going into the city for brunch on Saturday. I don't really get brunch though... I'm all about breakfast food (well minus the eggs) and I'm all about lunch food... but combined... too many choices.
Also, I FINALLY got the latest Caedmon's Call cd and I'm liking it! Of course! I put it in the cd player at work today and it was on repeat all day. Awesome.
The windows in my house are all being replaced, so the guys were here doing that today when I got home... my house was literally 40 degrees inside, with the heat running. Yikes! It's still pretty chilly, but no more random cold breezes and hopefully less disgusting crickets this summer. Something to look forward to!
Something else that's kind of exciting... I'm going to Florida in April with my whole family, which means I get to see Stacy and Jeff! We're taking the girls to Disney and all that jazz... it'll be fun. The last 2 or 3 times I've been to florida I haven't gone to a theme park. Kayla is going to be so fun to see experiencing Disney. She's too freakin cute.
While I was at work today I was reading through the Psalms. I came across this and wanted to share it with you.
Psalm 19:7-14
The instructions of the Lord are perfect,
reviving the soul.
The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear,
giving insight for living.
Reverence for the Lord is pure,
lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true;
each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
a great reward for those who obey them.
How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
This was kind of scatter-brained, but that's the story of my life these days. I hope you have a great V-day! Praise the Lord for knowing what real love is.
STB
Shootin' the breeze. Most of the time conversations start off that way, right? I've been shootin the breeze with my brother a lot lately which has been fun, but also very eye-opening. He has helped me see some stuff in a new way. I've learned more about him than I ever learned when he lived in AZ. We talked a little bit about the time he spent there and how it was for him to be away my sister and I. Little did I know that he felt like he didn't really have sisters back then. That broke my heart to hear because I spent countless nights on the phone with my parents crying and begging them to send him back because I knew the kind of stuff he was getting into out there. (and you know it takes a lot to get me to cry). I used to have dreams that he was going to be harmed or get into an accident pretty frequently.
I love my brother more than words can say and I think back and regret that he didn't know that then. Things could be so different for him. For our whole family, probably. My mom has a brother who's a jerk-face. He's been married and divorced 4 or 5 times now and I have a cousin I never see except for at funerals because of him. Mom has no relationship with him at all and Vinny told me that's exactly how he felt. How awful.
When I think about all the time we spent not being a complete family unit because of my decisions, my sister's decisions, and my parent's decisions and there's regret there. I don't like to regret things because there's no need to. Say what you need to say or do what you need to do and move on. Now I see that if we all hadn't made those decisions we may not all be back together and as close as we are.
Speaking of regrets... my bro also lovingly pointed out things about me that I never really realized. I've learned that I guard and protect myself too much and that's why I have some of these regrets. In protecting myself I don't say things I really should say because I don't want to potentially be hurt, but in the end I end up hurting more. I go with the flow and convince myself that everything is just fine because I don't want to stir things up, but then I'm left dealing with more than I should have to.
You know... sometimes there are things you want to tell people, but you know it's either going to start some kind of drama or cause indignation. There's a book called "how to have those hard to have conversations" and I sometimes think I should read it so I could get things off my chest but still be tactical.
Not sure what the point of this is right now. Mainly, my blog has become a place for me to vent lately as opposed to a day to day update like it used to be. It's a good out for me these days.
Here is something I read today by Charles Spurgeon, a 19th century Baptist preacher in England. I encourage you to read through the whole thing...
"Perseverance is the badge of true saints. The Christian
life is not a beginning only in the ways of God, but also a continuance in
the same as long as life lasts. It is with a Christian as it was with the
great Napoleon: he said, "Conquest has made me what I am, and conquest must
maintain me." So, under God, dear brother in the Lord, conquest has made you
what you are, and conquest must sustain you. Your motto must be,
"Excelsior." He only is a true conqueror, and shall be crowned at the last,
who continueth till war's trumpet is blown no more. Perseverance is,
therefore, the target of all our spiritual enemies. The world does not
object to your being a Christian for a time, if she can but tempt you to
cease your pilgrimage, and settle down to buy and sell with her in Vanity
Fair. The flesh will seek to ensnare you, and to prevent your pressing on to
glory. "It is weary work being a pilgrim; come, give it up. Am I always to
be mortified? Am I never to be indulged? Give me at least a furlough from
this constant warfare." Satan will make many a fierce attack on your
perseverance; it will be the mark for all his arrows. He will strive to
hinder you in service: he will insinuate that you are doing no good; and
that you want rest. He will endeavour to make you weary of suffering, he
will whisper, "Curse God, and die." Or he will attack your steadfastness:
"What is the good of being so zealous? Be quiet like the rest; sleep as do
others, and let your lamp go out as the other virgins do." Or he will assail
your doctrinal sentiments: "Why do you hold to these denominational creeds?
Sensible men are getting more liberal; they are removing the old landmarks:
fall in with the times." Wear your shield, Christian, therefore, close upon
your armour, and cry mightily unto God, that by His Spirit you may endure to
the end."
Goodnight ya'll.
