Enough
Do you ever wonder if you're enough? Do you wonder if you're enough because people make you feel as though you're not? What does it even mean to be enough? This is so simple today. I will never be enough. You will never be enough. Because only God is enough. Only God can satisfy completely. Only the Father can be my all in all... your all in all.
Where's this coming from, you ask? Well I work with a person who is never satisfied. She goes day to day talking to new people and meeting new people because no one is enough for her. She's searching. It's sad because she won't find it where she's looking.
I really thought through her situation today for some reason. Maybe because she was sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers the other day. They were just perfect. She talked all day about how she had never been sent flowers before and she was so excited. I was happy for her but also a little jealous because I've never had flowers sent to me by anyone but my parents. In the next couple of days she was showered with little gifts and while all of those things brought momentary joy, at the end of the night she was still unsatisfied. Those things weren't enough for her. Before I move on I'd like to interject that she is admittedly high maintenance, but that's not the point. The point is... she is not allowing God to be enough if anything at all. She is looking to be happy and have joy, but only true joy can be found in Christ.
I've been guilty of trying to be enough for people lately only to be sorely disappointed when I come to realize that they don't need me as much as I thought. I've thought things like "why am I not enough for you?" and "why don't you just come to me with that?" and "why can't I know that part?". I'm trying to be too much. When someone has something they need me for they'll come. I don't need to know every part of everyone's life. I hate knowing that something's up and I don't know what it is, nor can I ask because I need to allow the person to go to whoever they want to in order to work stuff out. I hate that I can't fix things for people like I want to. I hate that I can't be a part of all parts of people's lives, like something's being hidden.
I'm kinda easily affected by how others are doing, so if I know (or think I know) that you're struggling, mad, or just upset I feel helpless... especially if I don't know for sure. Make any sense?
I need to relax, realize that I'm not enough, and allow Jesus to handle things with other people, not me. I'm thinkin He handles other people's stuff better than I can or will ever.
Onto lighter stuff... my brother is back from arizona and I'm really glad. He's become one of my best buds these days. Alexandria is nine months old today and too freakin cute. I didn't do anything real exciting over the weekend, just kind of hung out. I have to work this saturday which is no fun, but sunday I'm excited to hang with friends for a super bowl party. Next week I only have a 4 day week and I can't wait! Short work weeks are great. Next Friday I'm heading down to Indy to go on a retreat with Trent and his jr. high kids. Should be a good time. Prayers for the youth and leadership are welcome.
I think I have a mission trip figured out for this summer with my church and I'm pretty excited about that. Welp that's it from me.
All in All
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up, I’d be a fool
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name
Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down, You pick me up
When I am dry, You fill my cup
You are my all in all
You thought I was going to put the lyrics to "Enough" up, didn't you? How predictable!
Back to Reality
Today my mom asked me to go see a movie with her. We saw 27 Dresses. Let me preface this by saying I love being a bridesmaid and while my number hasn't reached 27 yet... it's getting there. ;) The main girl, Jane is a busy-body, people pleaser type woman. She lives her life to make others happy, but doesn't take the time to live her own life. It was a cute movie, pretty funny, and a typical chick flick. It made my mom cry... hehe. I can't say I was moved to tears, but I'll probably end up owning it when it comes out.
I love my mom more than words can say... however after the movie, as we're driving home she goes, "She reminded me of you." I laughed and said, "because I'm never gonna get married?!? Geez, thanks Mom!" She said, "No! Because of the kind of fun she had, that's the kind of fun you like to have." Interesting. Jane really enjoyed being a part of someone's special day and making them happy. I like weddings and being in weddings... it's usually stressful, but a good stressful. It's a day of anticipation... waiting to see everything take place that you've been helping plan for a year (a year is way too long btw! You should not need a year to plan one day of your life. Don't you think?)
Anyways the point of this is that I found it interesting to be compared to a character in a movie. Sometimes we watch movies and see things and want so much for our lives to be like the character's. It's just funny to me. Movies create a whole new world. While you're watching, you're a part of that world, but when it's over, it's back to reality.
My reality is that I have to work tomorrow. And after having a 4 day weekend it doesn't sound too appealing right now. This weekend was full of a lot of nothing. For the first time in a long time I didn't travel to visit friends, I didn't go into the city, I didn't do anything. I watched football, went to church, went bowling, but nothing too major and it was lovely. I really needed time to myself and time to sleep... seriously sleep. I've been dealing with some health stuff and it's been super stressful and painful and just no fun. BUT I'm starting to feel better and I know it's because I finally took the time to rest. You can still be praying for me. Wednesday I may have to go under the knife, but after that I should be golden. It's all very dramatic sounding, but really I'm good. I appreciate prayers. Thanks!
Well if I'm gonna get up early to make it to work on time with the snow (and people who drive like snow is a new thing) I should be off to bed. Read this chapter in Proverbs, all of it. G'night.
Proverbs 18
1 An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends;
he defies all sound judgment.
2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions.
3 When wickedness comes, so does contempt,
and with shame comes disgrace.
4 The words of a man's mouth are deep waters,
but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.
5 It is not good to be partial to the wicked
or to deprive the innocent of justice.
6 A fool's lips bring him strife,
and his mouth invites a beating.
7 A fool's mouth is his undoing,
and his lips are a snare to his soul.
8 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to a man's inmost parts.
9 One who is slack in his work
is brother to one who destroys.
10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.
11 The wealth of the rich is their fortified city;
they imagine it an unscalable wall.
12 Before his downfall a man's heart is proud,
but humility comes before honor.
13 He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame.
14 A man's spirit sustains him in sickness,
but a crushed spirit who can bear?
15 The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
the ears of the wise seek it out.
16 A gift opens the way for the giver
and ushers him into the presence of the great.
17 The first to present his case seems right,
till another comes forward and questions him.
18 Casting the lot settles disputes
and keeps strong opponents apart.
19 An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city,
and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.
20 From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled;
with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.
21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the LORD.
23 A poor man pleads for mercy,
but a rich man answers harshly.
24 A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
tired
So incase you didn't pick this up from my blog last night... I'm kinda whinny this week. I've been in a bad mood most of the week and tonight it's all kinda crashing down on me. It's an attack of sorts if you know what I mean. I feel like I can do nothing. Like I can't say anything. Like the things I say and do don't matter. My heart hurts and it's tired of hurting. This isn't one thing... it's lots of things. I can't even explain it. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm sick of feeling like I don't matter to people who matter so much to me. I'm sick of surface friendships and people who can't take the time to be a good friend back to me. I'm tired of carrying this.
I can't always be happy-go-lucky and smiling. Sometimes it seems as though that's what's expected 100% of the time. And normally I am happy, but tonight I'm sad. Tonight I'm alone. I've been feeling very alone lately. Even though I just got back from seeing friends over the weekend, and I talk on the phone constantly, and I'm always with my family... I still feel alone. I have plenty of friends and people I talk to and even old friends I've been seeing so often. I'm just at an ending point right now.
Even now when I'm so sad and alone, God is here. I just can't get away. He won't let me (thankfully).
I read this today:
"Let's just praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Let's just lift our hands to heaven
And praise the Lord;
Let's just praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Let's just lift our hands to heaven
And praise the Lord!"
-Bill and Gloria Gaither
Psalm 134:2 says, "Lift up your hands in the sanctuary and praise the Lord."
A Material Soapbox
What have I been up to you ask? Well besides being funny... Christmas was awesome, really fun to see everyone as always. Michelle and Aaron were here and I got to see them a ton which was great. My birthday was good times... I was with my fam early in the day and then out with friends in the evening. New Years was pretty cool, but I was such a sicky I couldn't even taste the amazing food very well. I got to see Alex's baby and spend time there. All in all, life's been pretty nice lately. Minus work, but I can't even write much about that because I'm in a good mood and it'll change real fast if I talk about work.
I was asked by Ben Thomas (and I realize some of you don't know who this is... well he's awesome. enough said) and Pastor Scott to talk to the congregation at WSUMC about my ministry, about my time at WS, and about how I came to know the Lord. It was quite the experience and I loved being there and spending time at my "home" church and just feeling like I meant something to someone, you know? It's weird that Wheatland isn't my home church anymore, but it's ok too. That was the point kinda... that I'm out, away from WS, in ministry. So anyways I thought it was kinda cool. I'd love to tell you about it sometime, but this isn't the place.
Moving on... I'm been thinking about "things" lately. Not like "things", but "things"... you know? No? Well I mean material things. Not like I've been pondering the universe or anything like that. But for real yo, I've been thinking about how much I have... and to some people it's nothing.
To some I have so little because I don't have a brand new car, or a big diamond, or my own house, or any money saved up, or a big-screen TV, or this or that. But to some I have so much because I have a car that runs well, I have my own place (though it's not mine), I have a nice computer, an iPod, about 200 dvds, a Taylor guitar... the list could go on. Well here's my thinking right now. Take it. Take it all. I don't need it, any of it. These are not the things that define me or make me who I am. These are not the things I put my hope in. Do I enjoy them? Yup. Even love them sometimes? Absolutely. And therein lies the problem. Sometimes these things, these objects become the subject of conversations and such. And sometimes I actually have the audacity to say that I need more than I already have. It's kinda funny right? I can't believe it myself sometimes.
I'm blessed by the things I have and I usually do my best to use them for the glory of God, but in the last month I found myself wanting things that I didn't need. That no one NEEDS. That others have.
When I first got my guitar I was really leery on who I would let even touch the thing. I think there were like 4 people allowed to touch it other than me. Now, for the most part everyone interested has played him, and as of late the only time I seem to be able to pick him up is when I'm using him in worship of the Lord.
I'm not really sure what the point of this was other than to remind myself that I have things I don't need. I have a lot more than lots of people. So when I start to want what other people have, but I don't need... I can be reminded of that.
Sidebar, this probably sounds all "charismatic-like" (which is just fine), but it's not as though I'm going to smash my guitar just because I don't need it. Don't get me wrong... I like nice things. I think I just need to be a better steward of my money. And also not care so much about the nice things the people around have. Pride comes before a fall.
ps I've been listening to the Message (bible translation by Eugene Peterson) in my car on my drive to work and it's great! I highly recommend not only the translation, but listening to the bible while driving.
Here's something a friend had me read last night in the Message version.
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the
energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves." Matthew 5:43-44
Respond with the energies of prayer...
