Foggy
Today as I was driving home from work, my sister called and asked me to grab something from the store, but she also called to warn me that is was "really" foggy and I needed to be careful. It was very nice of her. So as I'm getting closer to home the fog is starting to get thicker, although when you can still see about 30 yards ahead of you I don't think it's necessary to go 30mph in a 50. So my first reaction was to be annoyed because I had tons of stuff to do before youth group tonight and I still wanted to see my family too.
That attitude changed pretty quickly because as I was crawling along the streets I started to think about how mysterious fog makes things. Even the roads I drive down everyday, twice a day, started to be tricky. With the fog only revealing a little at a time, I had to pay attention to things I just blow past everyday. The lights illuminate only what needs to be illuminated by them. Somehow life in the fog is gorgeous. Christmas lights glow in a new way, streets lamps dance as I cross the railroad tracks, and headlights just appear out of nowhere. For some reason I had never thought about fog as much more than an inconvenience when trying to get from point A to point B. But really when the fog has settled and you can only see what's right in front of you, it can be beautiful.
And then I think about the mystery of my God. The mystery of faith. The mystery of the cross. Maybe sometimes we can only see what's right up ahead because that's all we need to see. We don't need reasoning from God because who are we to demand explanations? We just go. We just do. That's the mystery of faith.
But what's more is that things are sometimes clearer in the fog. There are so many things I can't understand in day to day life. These are just a few: Why I drive so far everyday, why my family doesn't love the Lord like I do, why friends do and say things they do, why I'm single, why I'm in a job where I feel inadequate and small, why I have so much and others have so little, why money rules the world when it's all going to burn someday, why my dad is disabled because of a ten pound carton, why my niece or nephew never made it to 9 months, why my friend's families aren't support of them, why my friend's friends aren't supportive of them, why God chose me to do His work in this place, and why He loved me enough to pay the ultimate price.
Those are all so unclear and so uncertain, but when I read over those few things I just know that God knows and that has to be enough. Is that always something I can stomach so easily? Absolutely not. And I struggle with it sometimes. Seeing the fog tonight made me realize that I don't have to always understand. And things don't always have to be clear. Sometimes I just need to focus on what's in front of me and know that my Father is going to take care of the rest.
I also thought about what it would be like to be surrounded by fog all the time. Kind of a drag, don't ya think? I do, because as much as I love how the world looks outside my window right now, I love the sun. I love to see the stars shinning. Heck, I love to see my destination before I'm 10 feet away from it! I think that once we get focused on our work and what God has for us the fog will clear. We still might not have explanations for things we don't understand, but it becomes clear when we don't NEED explanations. Make sense? Maybe a little.
Moving onto a quick update. Last friday I drove from my work Christmas party to just outside of Dayton, OH to sing/play guitar at a wedding saturday afternoon. I left the wedding and didn't go to the reception because the weather was bad. I drove to Indy and hung with Trental. Sunday I got on the snow covered highway and drove to Michigan where I spent the afternoon chillin before coming home. Long weekend, about 1000 miles on my car, and almost no sleep. (well, I slept about 3 hours fri night. saturday I slept really good, but only for about 6 hours.) It was a good weekend though. Really good. And ya'll know I don't mind long drives... I have my shaker egg and cds to keep me company! Anywho, my best friend Michelle gets in this week and I cannot wait to see her! I'm looking forward to a Christmas party reunion with my high school/church friends. I have the best white elephant gift to bring!
Also, in case you haven't heard, my b-day is in 11 days! Yeah, get excited! G'night!
Friendly stuff
Quick update then moving on to other things, sound good? In the last month I've started a new job, seen three awesome shows (Dane Cook, Third Day, and Jars of Clay), visited best friends, gotten to know new friends, Kayla turned 3 (Whoa!), spent tons of time with family, read more of God's word than I have in a looooong time, wrote a new song, decorated many Christmas trees, spent a lot of time in the city, had a blast with youth kids, and haven't slept. That's my life in a nutshell. A very big nutshell.
It doesn't sound like much, but it's been a draining month and even though I've spent so much time with friends and family and on the phone with them I feel like I coulda done a better job at being a good friend.
Speaking of being a good friend... (did you like that segue (segway)?) I'd like to talk about what I think friendship is and some things I think are important. A little input on self worth may slip it's way in here at some point... you've been warned. :) To be real honest I need to start carrying a tape recorder around with me because I have thought of so many things I'd like to say and now that I've made the time to sit down, breathe, and write for a minute it's all gone.
Now that we're all a little older and less dramatic I think it's safe to say we can be honest with one another without a greek tragedy taking place. Agreed? Things are going to come up that you don't want to have to tell someone else and at some point you just have to suck it up and do it. This is for me too, in other words I'm a soprano/alto preaching to the choir. I've studied a bit of what the bible has to say on friendship and I've found some good stuff and tons of great examples of true friendship, but if I take the time to write them down here my sleep deprivation will prevail once more. Essentially we NEED to be relying on others. There is no shame in needing someone else. Ultimately all we need is God, right? BUT in all His wisdom, God created others to share life with. What an awesome God we serve! Amen?
Friendship is double sided in that we give and we take. Would you be willing to drive somewhere at 4am if a friend needed you to? Do you know someone who would do that for you? I hope so. Friendships are such hard work, but they can be such a breeze at the same time. I have lots of people I refer to as best friends and that's because the Lord has been so good to surround me with awesome people.
I've had to make a choice though. There are some people who I'm not in great contact with (if at all) because I've chosen to make serving God my #1 priority and that somehow was being hindered by people. For those of you who know much about me know that I DO NOT give up on friendships. If you've been a big part of my life I'd like to keep it that way. I'm no good at letting go. I can't just shrug, think "oh well", and move on. I've never been able to do that. Are there times I'd like to throw in the towel? um heck yes there are! But in the end I can't. I'm pretty big on time spent, whether that be face to face, phone, facebook, whatev. If you give me the time of day I'm pretty happy. That's how I feel loved and most everyone knows that or has picked up on it at some point. I like to know that my friendships mean something to other people too. You know? I just had dinner with my old bible study buddy from high school. We hang out like once, maybe twice a month even though we live about 35 minutes apart and that doesn't bother me at all. Time spent doesn't mean every second, (can we say high maintenance?).
Anypoo there's so much I'd like to say, but I want to move on too. I recently had a convo with a good friend about why she doesn't have a boyfriend at 25 years old. It was just a casual "boys are clueless" talk, but I decided it had to be more than that because boys aren't as clueless as we think. Why would a beautiful, smart, funny, girl be single? Good question right? Well the cop-out answer is that God has someone so special and it's gonna be awesome when you finally meet... also you won't be wasting time on the wrong guys. Ok, that's great and all, but no girl wants to hear that, I don't! so I didn't go there.
Instead I drew from another convo I had with a guy friend last summer. I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but I was probably complaining about being single because almost all of my friends are married now. Anyways... I asked him to explain some reasons why I'm single other than obvious ones. He said I'm intimidating. My reaction: WHAT? Me? Are you kidding? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! His explanation was this: 'you're smart, pretty, confident, funny, you have a good head on your shoulders, you can sing and play guitar, you know what you want in life and you're going to work to get it, you are outgoing, and you're fun, you're moral.'
So let's review... smart, ok I've got a college degree and I have common sense, but let's be real I was a Comm major. Pretty, that's hard to respond to. Confident, it may appear that way, but I'm like anyone else. we're all a little self-conscience sometimes. Funny, well duh! Good head on my shoulders, my mind is racing 99% of the time. When I'm being quiet it's because I can't say anything... my mind is running over everything. Sing and play guitar, both are a passion, but I'm mediocre at both of them. Know what I want in life? Not so much. I know that i'd like a husband and kids at some point too, but that's it. I love what I'm doing with the youth and I know I'm called to work with kids, but I don't know what I want to do in life. Make sense? Outgoing, sometimes. Fun, all the time. Moral? Well yes... I haven't killed anyone (yet), but I'm a sinner just like everyone else.
You see, appearances are deceiving. So the "you're intimidating" thing is hard to pull off too because girls will counter most things you tell them about themselves. And then I thought about it. Maybe that's true. Maybe we are intimidating. So I told her that all the things she has going for her might scare guys, which is true. BUT through all that we must not change who we are. Because in the end someone will fall in love with all of those qualities. And it will be beautiful.
Something I've been preaching a lot to my few single friends is that God is using them right now and so don't be consumed by thoughts of "getting a boyfriend" because that has the ability to hinder your ministry. God can use you single right now, so go with it. And hopefully if your desire is to get married... when you start dating someone, together you will bring glory to the Father and your ministry will blossom even more. Marriage is just another opportunity to glorify God, don't you think?
And I'm done. Here's something I love...
"I'll cry when you want to but can't.
I'll pray when your hands are too heavy to lift.
I'll hold you up when your body fails you.
I'll love you when you just can't..."
I think that's what real love and friendship means. I'll catch ya on the flip side.
Coming soon...
Hey home-slices... life's been nuts and I've got a lot to say about it. There have been countless times when I've had something I really wanted to write on here, but I never found the time to do it. Well I'm going to make time this week... sometime... hopefully. I know you miss me... ;)
