Imagine being "alone"
Imagine this... three to four of your best friends are trying to get you to come stay with or near them. You don't have a job, but you still have bills piling up all around you. God is sovereign and that should be enough. (why isn't it?) Everyday you apply to numerous places, many of which you don't even want to work for but are willing to just to make some money. Your dream is to move overseas for a while and be a part of a culture that produced some of your favorite people ever... in fact the main reason you're going is because the memory of loved ones are fresh in your head. Imagine your parents live 2000 miles away. They are supportive in every way possible. You have friends all around the coutry and soon to be all around the globe. People are pushing for you, but somehow it's not enough. Even though you're surrounded by people who love you (and I am), you feel alone.
That's been my story lately. See, I'm surrounded by people, but all of those people have other people that are either more important to them or take up more of their time. I'm not trying to be childish at all. The thing is... I know that people care for me and I know that I have amazing friends and family, but I am tired. I'm tired of working for attention and in some cases competing for attention. When did I get this way? When did the attention of others begin to run my day? (by the way I'm not just in Marion these days, I go up to Naperville a lot too. don't think this is about one person or event inparticular... this includes anyone and anything in my life.)
I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to go. The pressure and decisions are weighing heavier and heavier everyday. I keep looking for someone to just give me the right answer, but I'm looking in vain. It's driving me nuts... making me emotional, which is always embarrassing. My state today is a result of a decision that I might not have made in the best way, or for the best reason. I've been looking to others to define who I am for so long that I don't know who I am and now that I'm by myself (seemingly) I don't know if I like me. So I've gotta change. The question is... how??
I'm not the first person in human history to feel this way which tells me I'll get through it. This is just a picture of what I'm dealing with. So many people are dealing with things that are life threatening and life altering which makes this seem small. It's how my world is right now though, so it's big to me.
an update
Not much is new these days. I've had a few more job prospects and an interview. I'm looking at the possibility of moving to Naperville soon if i don't get a job here. I interviewed at WSUMC on Monday and it went well. I'll find out in 2 weeks whether I get the job or not. I'd be teaching preschoolers and working with the youth group. The youth group part would be volunteer, but I really want to be plugged back in there and Becky and Ben (our old youth leaders) are pumped for me to be there. I'm really excited for this weekend... I'm going down to see Steph's new place and then we're going to Holiday World, this awesome water park in southern Indiana. I haven't gone to a water park since the mission trip in '00 I think.
I don't know if I've mentioned anything about this yet or not, but my parents are considering moving back to Naperville, or the surrounding area. It would be amazing! I miss my parents being out here. My brother has finally started training and he is planning on trying out for baseball this spring. He has so much potential... I just hope he sticks with it until then. When he was younger his little league teams always made it to the world series... and then in high school he never played because he got mixed up with drugs and couldn't make the team while high. I'm so proud of how he's turning his life around.
"Praise be to you, O Lord,
God of our father Israel,
from everlasting to everlasting.
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
Wealth and honor come from you;
you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
to exalt and give strength to all.
Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name."
1 Chronicles 29:10-13
friendship, loss, changes
Have you ever been on the verge of losing something or someone and there's nothing you can do about it? It's the most helpless feeling in the world. I'm not just referring to losing someone without them knowing Christ, although that's the worst kind of loss if you ask me. I'm talking about being able to let something or someone go and knowing that God is in control. I have the worst time with that. It's hard for me to let anyone go, especially someone really important to me. You'd think that I had been abandoned or something at some point in my life, but I haven't. I just can't give up on people. Like letting someone go is giving up a part of me and I'll never get it back. I want to be better at it. I would love to be able to just shrug a loss off, but I can't. (I haven't lost anybody or anything... no worries. I'm just thinking.) I don't like to feel helpless, but it's for sure when God is most evident to me.
I think about the next few years ahead of me and I know that there are people I'll have to leave behind or say goodbye to and I'm not looking forward to it. These days people have convinced themselves that nothing is forever and things don't change, but that's a lie. You have to work really, really hard to keep relationships strong and if both parties aren't willing to do so then there's nothing you can do.
This seems like such a negative way of thinking, and I guess it is if that's how you take it, BUT I'm actually looking forward to how God is going to use these situations. It's never fun for a relationship to die out, but just when the emptiness is at it's peak God is there reminding us that you're not empty with Him.
This is more for me then for anyone else... a kind of reminder for when a friendship changes and I don't like it.
