Everyone's done... well almost everyone
Today was graduation at IWU and after 4 years, I wasn't able to be in the ceremony. Most of you probably know that I took a semester off and then I had mono one semester, so as you can imagine I fell pretty behind. Then I had to go and change my major after 2 years. I've done this to myself and I know that, but it's still really hard. I love my friends and I'm so happy for them (and jealous), but it's been hard for me. Not only are the people that I've been around everyday for 4 years moving on, chances are I won't see them as much as we say we will. All of us girls have a wedding this summer, but after that, who knows? I'm blessed that one of my roommates and best friend got a job in Marion and she is staying. We got an apartment together and move in on tuesday. Knowing that she is going to be there is the only thing that is getting me through this.My roommate was cool and gave me one of her tickets for graduation (she has an immediate family of 8 so its a big deal because they only give you 5 and then she got more from other people). Anyway, sitting in the ceremony was a mix of emotions. I was sitting there watching my friends recieve the diplomas and I was excited for them because I know I'd love to be done. All of their families were sitting there so proud of their kid's accomplishments. I can't help but wonder if I have dissappointed people because I couldn't do it in 4 years like my classmates. I know for sure that my parents are 100% proud that I'm in college and that I'm going to (eventually) graduate, but there is that little cloud hanging over me and I can't help but be dissappointed in myself. I know that tons of people go for 5 years these days, but that fact doesn't make it easier. I should have done it in 4 years. I would be done with college and moving on with my life. I say that knowing that it was a darn good thing I was at home the semester I was off because I had to have emergency surgery and then two weeks later my grandpa died. There's no way I would have dealt well if I was at school.All that to say that I'm proud of my friends and so happy for them, but totally bummed for myself. I'm allowed to have a pity party for a day or two, right? I think so. I'm gonna be relaxing in Illinois until May 3, then we're moving into our apartment and I'm taking May classes so that I can graduate in a year.
Somewhere North
I've been super distracted lately, but not by the things I should be. Caedmon's Call says it best. "It's a muggy night in HoustonAnd all the intersections are like full service stationsI'm on my way to a familiar placeIt's cold in Kansas CityAnd you can no more hear me than I can see your faceHow I wish it was just you and meWe wouldn't have to talk above the crowdWe wouldn't have to talk so loud
I give you my life and all I amBut what I have to giveSo I hand you a candid photograph of this little boy'Cause I have nothing to my nameBut I can give you thatI don't miss the drivingSeems like forever And I'm always driving in my mindAnd wearing out the road that gets me thereAnd I'm driving till my eyes just can't see straightBut I suppose that it's getting lateI may never find the sleep I've lost all feeling in my hands andFeet may touch the ground butMy mind's somewhere north of here"I want my mind to be somewhere north of here all the time.
Deep Impact (not the movie!)
So much to do, so little time. This is our last week of classes before finals and of course I have about a thousand things due. Just today I turned in two portfolios, both of which I was franctically working on all day in between work and class. My next item isn't due until Friday, so I can relax a little until then. I would have had my portfolios done last night, but we had an unexpected visitor which totally made my day! Leah is back from student teaching, so she came to stay with us for a night. It was so much fun having her here. Very refreshing. Its that time when things are getting a little tense because everyone had a ton to do and no one has any time for fun and therefore are crabby. I think you know what I'm talking about. I'm trying my best to let myself get stressed out this week. I want to try to enjoy my last two weeks with these people that I have come to love. I can't believe that its been four years and now its time for most of my friends to move on. When I was little I never thought the day would come when I would be old enough to graduate college. I say old enough because as you all should know by now I have to be here an extra year. It's actually a nice thought that I have one more year of security before I have to start the next part of my life. Who would have thought that these years would have gone by so quickly? I came into college thinking that I wasn't going to make any life long friends because I only wanted to stay friends with people from home. I'm sure glad that my attitude changed. I have made some amazing friends. I've made some best friends... ones that I won't have made it through without. Lucky for me that my best friend got a job here in town and I have the joy of spending one more year with her. I'm going to miss people so much and I know we all say we're going to stay just as close, but the reality is that that probably won't happen. However, you know you have a good friendship when you can speak only once a year and still be fine. I think (I hope) thats how it will be. Its weird to think that so many people have had such an impact on my life. Even those people that I only have casual conversations with. My mind keeps going back to the thought that if the people I come in contact with everyday have such an impact on my life, how much more should God have an impact? I'm not going to elaborate right now though. It's food for thought.
Masks can be good... sometimes
There is a weight and I'm good at wearing a mask. Sometimes there are things that you can't talk to anyone about except God. I really think that's good though. A lot of people think that you have to have at least one person with whom you share everything and that is a great theory, but its just that, a theory. I just think that God is supposed to be my best friend and while you are allowed to have more than one best friend (yes you can Michelle!), God has precedence over all of my humanly relationships. There are just somethings that God is better at dealing with, obviously. It's not that I can't depend on my earthly friends, though... don't get me wrong. I love that I can bring anything to my God and not be judged. This is not a slam at all. This is to say that we are humans and therefore imperfect. There are things in our lives that we don't like to talk about because they might be embarrassing or something and this is where the Lord comes in. We don't have to be ashamed before Him because He has taken our shame away. Why did Christ die, if but to bring us to God? I don't really know where I'm going with this other than the fact that I think it is ok to wear a mask... sometimes. Again, this is not to say that it is okay to keep things bottled up or something like that because really, you need to be working through things with God. Its one thing to say that you are working on it with God, but its quite another to actually be doing it.I just want to encourage you to really rely on the Lord. This isn't something that comes easy for me all the time. In writing this I'm reminding myself where I need to be. It is easy to lose out on some amazing time with Him when you are surrounded by amazing, supportive people, but we can't allow that to happen. God is the Great Provider. Let Him be that for you.
Dreams
I love vivid dreams (the good ones). The ones that you can't stop thinking about because they were so real. You can replay them over and over as though they are reality. I dream a lot and much of the time they are very real and seem as though they could happen in this life. Last night I had a great dream that I want to keep reliving because it seemed so right. Most of the time my dreams are kinda crazy and far from reality, just a silly mix of everything that has gone on in my life. Or about something I've watched on TV or seen in a movie. But man, the ones that are so real just blow my mind. God is clever about this stuff, let me tell you. He can and does speak to people through dreams... I know this because He has spoken to me. Its such an amazing thought that the Creator of the universe can get inside my head so easily and speak while I'm unconscious. Isn't that a perfect picture of power? I think so! It's beautiful. He'll do anything and everything to get your attention, so listen up! Anyway, I don't think the dream I had last night was from God just because of the subject matter, but I just can't get over how amazing it is to be able to dream. Dreams have the ability to evoke so many emotions! I love it. Just think about the dreams you've had. You know you sit around sometimes and think about them or even try to figure them out. Maybe its just amazing to me, but I really hope that you have a dream sometime soon that makes you think. One that makes you believe it was real. One that evokes emotion in you. I'd love to hear about a dream that has left a mark in your mind or on your heart. Post me a message.
Busy, busy, busy
I have so much I would love to write about, but not enough time to do it. This is a crazy busy week for me. Group projects have taken over my life. Just one more on Thursday though, and I'm done. Really quick... friends come from the strangest places. Someone you never thought you would have anything in common with could become a great friend. Someone you would have never met without someone else there, could become a great friend. Always be open to people. Its easy for me to shut someone out and not even give them a chance because I just think that nothing will come of it. You'll say hi in passing, but that's it. I stepped out of my comfort zone and learned that I've probably cut out so many possibilities of great friendships because I've been so standoffish and choosey. God works in crazy ways and speaks through people you never thought He would speak through. Just the smallest thing can change your life and it can come from someone you didn't plan on being friends with. Be open, be honest, be willing. It's okay to make yourself vulnerable sometimes. You may make a connection that could last a life time.That's it folks. I'm gonna go rest my brain and watch Shark Tale!
Twitterpated
Spring has sprung here at Indiana Wesleyan University and if you are on this campus and haven't noticed yet, you must be living in a box. It seems like everyone is twitterpated and I think its great. I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't mind it myself. I just think its so much fun because the warm weather is coming which means couples on walks, playing frisbee, riding bikes, rollerblading, and pretty much anything else you can think of. Its such a happy time here at IWU. We are all in denial about the amount of work that we have due in the next three weeks and for some of you lucky folks, all you have to do is make it through graduation. I am jealous of that, let me tell you! But anyway, back to being twitterpated. I would normally be wallowing in self pity, but since that hasn't done me any good in the past I'm not going there this year. Sure it isn't the best feeling in the world and a casual date would be welcomed, but its not something I'm going to worry about right now. When it happens, it happens, and whether its now or later I need to be content. So this Spring lets be happy and have fun reguardless if we're twitterpated or not. Its great to be alive and at least we know we're loved by Someone better than anyone here on earth. But again, I welcome twitterpatedness(heck yes I just made up a word) so give me a call!
