Friendships and a new me!
Let me start off my saying that I love being in Naperville. The past four days have been some of the best I've had in a long time. Everytime I'm there I am reminded of how many amazing friends I have and what they've done in my life. Do you realize how much people influence you? I'm not even going to get into that right now because I know a lot of people think that they aren't influenced by others (which is a lie). Anyway, I saw a ton of people that I love to death and I miss them already. I hadn't seen one of my friends in about 10 months, and the others since Thanksgiving or so. Its crazy because sometimes for me I forget how strong of a bond I have with people until I see them. And its not something that you ever vocalize, but you know that seeing one another has made your day/break. There is a person that I rarely see, don't talk to much these days, if at all, except for an occasional email, but our friendship is just as strong. We have this inexplicable bond that I can't put to words and I love it. Its the strangest, yet most beautiful friendship I've ever had. Just through expressions and body language we both know how we feel about each other and the friendship, and the fact that if anything ever happened we'd be there for one another. The funny thing is this person isn't someone I would call just to chat with because thats not the kind of friendship we have now. In high school we hung out a lot and it was like we were family, but now we only see one another on special occasions and holidays, and thats okay because of the type of friends we are. This wouldn't be alright with me if it was anyone else because I'm really big into keeping in good contact, but for whatever reason its alright with our friendship.So anway, it was an amazing Easter and I can't wait for the next time we're all home together again. Someone told me tonight that there are only 22 days of class, inlcuding finals left in this semester. That thought is overwhelming because I have so much to get done, but I'm kinda floating right now because I'm looking forward to the next year of my life. I'm so refreshed by my time with friends!Its time for a new me and that's what I'm doing. God must be the center and in control of this "new" me. If you think about it, pray for me. Thanks and good night!
Only a month...
Its the time in the semester when every one of my professors thinks its a good idea to add more work to the syllabus. This makes me want to pull my hair out because up until this point it's been a fairly light work load. I know that taking 400 level classes this is what I should be expecting, but all I really want is to have fun with my friends before they graduate. I want to be done with work and the stress of class. And unlike most people I know, I'm going to be here for May term too. I'm not the first person on earth to be a 5th year, but at this point I have no desire to do any work or go to any classes.A thought has been looming over me for the last few days and I'm starting to believe it. I think that I'm actually getting less intellegent (dumber if you will). Now, you would think this is impossible, but I would have to disagree. One of the classes I'm in right now is really frustrating because I'm not learning anything of importance to my life or my field of choice. I can't seem to retain any of the stuff I read or study for. I failed the midterm simply because I couldn't remember the stuff. Granted, I didn't study for very long. But what confuses me is that I never use to have to study very hard for anything because I just retained stuff from class and did fine. Now its like I don't know how to study because I've never really had to. High school was a breeze and I was on Honor Roll... I even did pretty well on my ACT, so you would think that I could make it through college with at least A's and B's. But the truth is, I'm struggling to keep B's. Its overwhelming to think that way, knowing how much stuff I have to learn and get done before the semester commences. Most semesters bring me to the overwhelmed state, but this semester is just crappy because I shouldn't feel dumber after my 4th year of college. It's craziness, I know.On a different note... it's spring which means that everyone on the IWU campus is twiterpating(sp?). I've come to the realization that apparently IWU isn't the place for me to find my husband. God is perfect and He knows whats in store for me, but its hard being patient sometimes. The last guy I dated wasn't a Christian and while I have no regrets about him I do regret the time I took away from God and all He has to offer me.I keep going back and forth on this issue because some days I'm glad I'm not tied down because I really want to travel after I graduate and unless some great guy has the same plan, I'll be flying solo, which might be really nice. But then I think it could be lonely. I also sometimes think that it'd be great to be in a relationship right now and to be loved and have a plan. Everyone is planning a wedding, or so it seems. I'd love to plan a wedding and start a family right away. I'm so torn and indecisive because either would be good times, but each day I seem to choose one and think that it'd be better than the other. We'll see what's in store for me, but if you know any cool guys that want to travel in a year or so, let me know! I'm all about it!That's all folks! :o)
Redeeming Love
She was too weak to run away. She looked down at herself and saw her flesh decaying and dropping away. Michael walked toward her without hesitation. He was so close, she could see his eyes. Oh... "God, let me die. Let me die for him." No, came a soft voice. She looked up and saw Michael standing before her. A small flame burned where his heart was. No, beloved. His mouth hadn't moved, and the voice was not his. The flame grew larger and brighter, spreading until his entire body was radiant with it. Then the light separated from Michael and came the last few feet toward her. It was a man, glorious and magnificent, light streaming from him in all directions. "Who are you?" she whispered, terrified. "Who are you?" Yahweh, El Shaddai, Jehovah-mekoddishkem, El Elyon, El Olam, Elohim. . . . The names kept coming, moving together like music, rushing through her blood, filling her. She trembled in fear and could not move. He reached out and touched her, she felt warthm encompassing her and the fear dissolving away. She looked down at herself and found she was clean and clothed in white. "Then I am dead." That you may live. Blinking, she looked up again and saw the man of light covered with her filth. "No!" she wept. "Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll take it back. I'll do anything. . . " Yet even as she reached out, the defilement disapeared and he stood before her perfect again. I am the way, Sarah. Follow me. As she stepped forward and reached out for him, there was a thunder clap, and she awakened in darkness.~Redeeming LoveIsn't this what God has done for us and continues to do on a daily basis? This passage is from the end of the book and as I was reading it I couldn't help but think how many times I try to cleanse myself and fix things for myself. Thinking that I don't need God, when in reality all I need is Him. Its so well written because I can just picture the events taking place. Jesus running toward me when all I want to do is hide my face from Him because of my sin. I thought this was really cool and uplifting because I sometimes need reminding. I haven't lived a perfect life so far and I never will, but the fact that Jesus has forgiven me and will continue to do so as long as I humble myself and ask is amazing.I don't know. That's just been on my mind so I thought I'd share. Enjoy St. Partick's Day, even though I don't celebrate it. Italians rule!!
He loves me
Today was actually a relaxing day, which is ironic because I'm back at school and classes have begun again. It was just nice to talk to good friends and see people that I haven't got to see (in like a week). :o) AND I was actually productive tonight too. I wrote my paper and got myself a little organized. So one thing that I was really reminded of today is how much God has provided for me... how all He promises is true and real. God never ceases to amaze me. I know its so obvious and it seems so clear, but I love being remeinded and nudged by God. He loves me, me! I'm so in love with Him! I hope you all have a great night!
Back to school, back to school to prove to dad that I'm not a fool...
Its now 9:00 pm on a Sunday night and I've done no homework even though I was home all week. Good times. I have two papers to write so I figure writing on here will get my writing juices flowing.I'm back at school and its frickin freezing here. Its unreal to me that there is only a month and a half left in the semester. I have so much to do its sickening. But I'll make it through just as I have every other semester. I got my registration packet in the mail today and it made me want to cry because I have to be in school for another year. It doesn't really bother as much me that I'll be a 5th year, but it stinks that my friends will be gone. I spent a lot of time in my last blog talking about friendships and how I feel about them. I've thought a lot about what I wrote because I know its pretty blunt and unexpected. I still kind of feel the same way and a lot of it is my fear of being hurt. Just in saying that I'm setting myself up and making myself vulnerable, assuming that someone actually reads this. I just don't know. Things will probably change because I know that God has created us with the intention of having fellowship and part of that is the giving of yourself. How can I grow without hardship? Its funny because I know what is good for me, but I don't always want to do it.But anyway, enough of that. I had an awesome time being with my family this week. I spent a lot of time with my brother on friday and it was great. He's grown up a ton and its really uplifting to see how he's matured. His apartment is really nice, well big. It'd be nice if he cleaned a bit more, but what do you expect in a house full of 19 year olds, you know? I also was at my sister's place in Naperville for a while yesterday and it was really fun to spend a little time with my niece. She is the cutest baby ever.Last weekend before we left Naperville to go to Arizona we stopped by and talked to Jon Bo for a while at his job and it was cool to see him. For those of you who don't know him, he gradutated from here last year and I've known him since high school. He's a cool kid!So anyways its time to get back to homework... and by homework I mean watching Boy Meets World and attemping to write at the same time. What can I say, its an awesome show! Have a good night folks!
Investing in people or God?
So today was an interesting one for me. I'm running on about 2 hours of sleep so as you can imagine I'm a little cranky, but I got to go to another Cubs game today and it was awesome! Mark Prior started the game and that always makes me smile. He did really well too, so that's cool, but I'd still love him even if he stunk it up. I got within five feet of him and got some good pictures, but no autographs on my jersey. The little punk snuck out a back door after he said he'd sign, but what do you expect when you're dealing with a "star". I went to the game alone and it was actually nice. I have a lot of crap on my mind and this time I didn't let it eat away at me because I've decided that its not worth spending my time being bummed by other people. And this is what I want to talk about tonight.Sometimes I feel like its not worth investing my time and heart into people anymore because it only leads to pain and heartache. Having friends is cool and all, but I need to rethink the level of my friendships. If I don't invest a lot of myself then there's not a lot of vulnerabilty or room to be hurt. Sounds kind of sad don't you think? But then there is not dissappointment because there are no expectations. I once thought that having high expectations made sense especially when you are close with a person because you have so much invested in each other. But high expectations leads to big let downs and tons of dissappointment. On the other side of things God is perfect and awesome because He can't and won't ever let us down. So once again I am reminded how vital it is to place all my hope in Christ. If it is anywhere else (it being my hope) there is room for heartache. If we try to live our lives without God we will be living a life of let downs. Thank you Jesus for being the only One! The only faithful One.I hate to think that keeping myself distanced is what needs to be done, but maybe that is a way I'll learn to always trust God and stop putting so much faith in people. However there will always be those people that you can call at anytime of the day or night and they will be there in a way that it is hard to comprehend God being. Not that those people replace God in anyway. I've now reached the point of over-kill and rambling. So let me just end this by saying that I love my Father and all of my friends. I just think that some stuff might need to change on my end.Let me know what you think of this by posting a comment. It'd be cool to know that someone is actually reading this.
Spring training to the max
Today was goodtimes for me because I got to go to a Cubs Spring training game and I get to go again tomorrow morning too. I got some decent pics today and a few autographs, but tomorrow the goal is to focus on finding Mark Prior. I'm so mature... right.So I had a lot of time to think today which can sometimes be a bad thing for me because I over analyze things... kinda like a lot of girls do, you know. I let my thoughts overwhelm me and even when I try to ignore them I can't. It's such a struggle of mine. I have the ability to go through an entire day and have a pretty good time while still being bogged down by thoughts and worries.I've been pretty down these days as most of you know so its kinda a bummer. I feel like there's so muxh going on with me that people don't know about and they don't know about it because I choose to keep it to myself. Life is so tricky and confusing sometimes. (I'm not even going to try to sound intellectual incase you haven't already figured that out.) I have always struggled with doubt as I'm sure most of us have, but it just seems like it is in full force right now. Not doubting God or where He is in my life, its more like I'm doubting myself and my friends and my family. It's so hard to explain. I so easily dissappoint myself because of the way I act or the things I say. I try to do everything out of love and I try to use my tongue to glorify God, but its so easy for just the opposite to happen. I find that I'm incredibly spoiled and I act that way all the time. So how do I change that? How can I change my attitude and how can I make people understand that I don't always mean to be the way I am or say the things I do? Why is it that I let my environment and the happenings around me determine how I'm feeling. This week there have been a few things that have really made me angry, but instead of doing something about it I've been sulking. Why don't I have the guts to say what's on my mind. Why am I still this little girl who tries to please everyone and act like I'm happy go lucky all the time? I just wanna be me. I want to be me and for that to be okay. I want to be able to say what I'm thinking without the fear of offending someone. I want to not let other's selfishness and pigheadedness bother me. God, I just want to be free!! I don't know what this means for me right now. I don't know if I need to actively do something or just mentally work on it. Or do I just not care and continue on? Don't get me wrong folks, I"m loving spring break, but there are some aspects that I could certainly do without and I think it's pretty obvious what that is. I don't want everyone thinking that I'm having a horrible time because I'm not, I just wish a few things were different. But nothing is perfect right? So now that I got some of my frustration out I think I can go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a day when I get to meet Mark Prior!! Goodnight!
Spring Breakin' it
It's about the third day of spring break and I'm loving that I don't have to do much thinking about anything! Its great. Ashley and I are here in Arizona in 75 degree, sunny weather... try not to be jealous. This week the only thing that I have to get done is going through my stuff and deciding what to put in storage and what to toss out. My parents are downsizing because they don't need a 5 bedroom house anymore. Ash and I are also going to clean out the garage and fun stuff like that. Nostalgic times!Tonight I'm going to a live recording session in a real studio and I'm really excited about it. I might do a little guitar cameo! I got to record a song I wrote and a cover over Christmas break and it was a great experience. Its a strange thing to hear yourself on CD, but its fun. I got to play guitar, sing, and harmonize with myself, something I never thought I'd have the chance to do.Wednesday and Thursday I get to go to Cubs Spring Training games and I'm stoked! I'm going to the Wed. game two hours early in hopes of meeting Mark Prior and getting an autograph or a picture or something. You can believe I'll be wearing my official Prior jersey and Cubs colored mardi gras beads! Hopefully security doesn't throw me out for harrassment or something. :o)So far this break is agreeing with me aside from one person who was rude for no reason, but I'm gonna let that go because I'm loving it here. What does the rest of the week hold in store?? Hot tubbin', sipping some drinkies, and having a good time with my best friend. I hope you're all having a great time too.
